What Came Before The Big Bang? The Big Foreplay!

BSC Ep. 5

Chrystal: [00:00:00] Hi. Welcome to big sexy chat. I'm Chrystal 

Merf: 'I'm Merf. 

Chrystal: Hi, Merf! 

Merf: Hi. 

Chrystal: We're so happy to have you part of our community. All of you.

Merf: Excited to have everyone here listening and joining us and talking about all the fat things that are wonderful about life. 

Chrystal: Absolutely. Welcome to our community.

Chrystal: Our website is big sexy chat, and we do this podcast about twice a month and exactly precisely twice a month. We're trying something new. We're going live as well as recording, and we're going to have some fun and I'm gonna try to ignore the notes on the side.

Chrystal: So, I don't have to. I get distracted by them. We can talk about what we're going to talk about, which of course we're going to always start with current events, right. What's going on in the current event. So don't say Oscar's please. 

Merf: No, they don't want to talk about that at all. I think the world has discussed that to a, what do they say? Beating a dead horse. Like it's then like.

Chrystal: Did you watch SNL last night? 

Merf: I did not, but I recorded it so I will. 

Chrystal: Yeah. It's for the cold openings. Really great. He talks [00:01:00] about it without talking about it. It's so good. 

Chrystal: Nice. Yeah. So, what's going on? 

Merf: So, I want to talk about Lizzo. When now we had discussed last episode about her new show watch out for the big girls.

Chrystal: Yes. I've watched three. You've watched three. Okay. I love it. I love it. I love it. What did you think? 

Merf: I've watched the entire thing and, oh my gosh. I laughed. I cried. I loved it. I have been walking around my house, twerking, and dancing, like at random, and I didn't realize how much choreography, like I've memorized just from watching it.

Chrystal: And they have that a really famous choreographer. Right? Tanisha Scott. Yes. She works with Lizzo. Wow. That's amazing. If you're a dancer, I think that's a really big deal to put on. Resume, you know, dancing with Lizzo, pretty big thing too. Right. But yeah, it's so beautiful. I see people talking about [00:02:00] all over the Internet's so, so amazing.

Chrystal: It makes me cry. Big girls can do whatever they want to do. You know, I'm like, yesss. 

Merf: Well, and it's so positive that the reality show dynamic of the drama and the nonsense and just, you know, it's trashed TV, but they really worked hard to even when they were giving feedback that it be positive and sandwiched in a way that is kind to the individual rather than negative, or, you know, like let's start some crazy BS, drama, 

Chrystal: like therapists teach you to do in your relationship. Compliment. Talk about the problem compliment again. 

Merf: Exactly. 

Chrystal: It's very positive. I love that. It's so nice to see. I just, I love lifting other womxn up and helping other womxn. And I don't like all that tearing down. So, if I can't stand most reality shows, but this is so different. 

Merf: So different.

Merf: Have you ever seen the show making it's with Amy Poehler and oh, I always forget his name's Ron Swanson in [00:03:00] the show that I watched parks and recreation. I can't think of his name right now. Anyway, it's the only positive show that I've seen cause they're crafters. And so, they have little crafting challenges and so they have to like work with their hands and like make unique crafts.

Merf: But my other friend was like, well, the British bake-off show is very similar in that positivity. And I haven't seen that. So, this is the first like real reality show or competition show that I've seen. That's been really positive. And so, I just love it. I'm really excited that our community is getting representation and that it's really positive.

Chrystal: It is nice to see fat girl positive representation. And it helps to, you know, de-mystify a normalized, you know, w that girls, that people can do a lot of amazing things like from the air jumped down and do the splits. I'm like, how do, I mean, I've seen other dancers do that, but this girl's on this show.

Chrystal: [00:04:00] Wow. I, it doesn't have hurt. Ah, but I guess you're so warmed up and you're trained to do that. It's amazing. 

Chrystal: They're athletes. They are, and hey, guess what? You can be fat, and an athlete and you can be fat and healthy. Right. And the diet culture tells us you can't be right. Exactly. 

Merf: Exactly.

Merf: And so, I don't know if you know about this. Lizzo has dropped announcement that she is providing her own athletic and shape wear. 

Chrystal: Yes, I saw that beautiful. I watched her IgG, she did a live IgG Instagram, and it was about an hour long and she was in this beautiful blue mesh kind of like half, top half shirt and had like a sweetheart bra in it.

Chrystal: And then she had some, I think, I want to say like, longer, we be like bicycle shorts, all electric, blue. Beautiful. I love that mesh. So, I got to see, she showed her closet and showed the line and it's really beautiful, but some of it's cheaper. Right? Like, is it going to cinch you in? 

[00:05:00] Merf:  I'm not sure if it's going to cinch you in.

Chrystal: I think it's more of just. Gentle control. Yeah. And smoothing. The fabric looks like it's very second skin. I think there's a whole section called naked wear. And so, it's supposed to be very soft, very close to skin in a variety of nude colors. So that looks really fabulous and 

Chrystal: nude is different for everybody.

Chrystal: Like my nude is not the same nude as Lizzo's nude. 

Merf: And that's the point is that it's a whole range of nude. Yeah.

Chrystal: Thanks. Thankfully, somebody is paying attention. So, I heard that it was six X. Oh well, and I love that she started six X through extra small. She put the bigger sites. Yay. Hey James. James says, Hey, y'all, that's so cool.

Chrystal: And the colors are beautiful and hopefully she'll go beyond a six X one day. I wonder what a six X means. 

Merf: Right. Well, and I know there's been a lot of controversy in our community about Partnering with Fabletics and [00:06:00] that Fabletics is a problematic brand. And that, you know, it's not six X doesn't represent everyone.

Merf: And I, you know, I understand all of those things, but I think if you get caught up in the weeds about that sort of stuff, and you don't focus in on the fact that an incredibly talented fat Black woman just created a line of clothing for other fat womxn of all types that you're getting lost from the original message.

Chrystal: Yeah. You know, when I had my boutique, I got a lot of criticism that I didn't go beyond six X, but the thing is there was nobody that I could buy it from the only people I could buy lingerie larger than six X were people that made custom lingerie. You can't sell custom lingerie in a boutique because the markup would be so high, nobody would ever buy it.

Chrystal: And if I buy a piece for a hundred dollars, cost, the custom, but as a 10 X people, aren't going to be able to buy that for, you know, [00:07:00] $150. Right. Probably, you know, I just I got a lot of crisp people boycott at my store. Like if there was out there, I'm like a six X maybe even larger touch, you think I would buy it if I could.

Chrystal: Right. So, but yeah, like you guys are upset at me, but I'm the first ever lingerie store for fat people. That's not enough. I mean, I personally, I do get sick of settling for breadcrumbs, but I have a feeling that Lizzo is going to, she's going to be looking out for all of us. I have a feeling 

Merf: I completely agree. And I think that you have to start somewhere.

Merf: And if you constantly beat down where you start, then people are going to say, well, you're ungrateful and it's not worth putting in the time and energy. So, I get that. There are lots of things that could be improved and lots of things that could expand upon that, but we got to start somewhere. And if we start somewhere in a positive realm, we're going to be way better off than if we start just negating everything that potentially could 

Merf: be good.

Chrystal: Yeah. You got to start somewhere and it's just, yeah, it's easy to criticize. You know, people criticize me a lot and like, well, you guys can [00:08:00] go ahead and try this. If you want to try opening a store and see how you can do right. Clearly, if I mean, I would go to the lingerie trade show. S begging everybody.

Chrystal: I'm telling you when they, those ladies at those trade shows saw me coming in, they'd be like, oh God, there's that lady again. Cause like, please, my clients want it. They want it. They have the money for it. They really want it. And you know, never happened. I've never seen any of those people make anything beyond a six X now Mallory from smart glamour, she'll make up to 10 X, 15 X, and then she'll make it custom for you too.

Chrystal: So smart glamour has got it going on, but she makes it as she gets the order. And she does it one at a time. Right. 

Merf: And that's how most, you know, when you're not in standard and I'm using the quotes right. Air quotes, standard sizes, like that's where we've always had to go. And. You know, I think that's helpful for those designers that are appreciating that everybody has different body types and, you know, I've made, I have a bigger belly than most people and I need extra space [00:09:00] there, you know, whatever it may be, but the average, you know, buy it off the rack kind of place.

Merf: Doesn't do that. And they've never done that and they never will do that. So, if you start arguing and complaining about, you know, it's not available in my size, well, you're right, but it's now starting to become a normal thing to have six X or to have five X. And so that's a starting point. That's a place where we can then jump off and say, okay, now let's do better.

Chrystal: And FYI at anybody who's out there listening. And they make intimate wear we need a wider crutch in our underwear. We need more than two inches. I need like four inches please. Right? Especially bigger gusset. 

Merf: Gusset I love that word. And honestly, as someone who has, you know, menstruation and trying to deal with pads or anything on a tiny ass, little gusset is a nightmare for a big girl, just it really is.

Merf: It's like [00:10:00] slip and slide all over the place. Like, come on. This is so unfair. 

Chrystal: Yes. Yeah. I see a lot of people complaining about the gusset, please. Just one or two more, please sir a little more fabric, please. I think we talked about this in a second episode. Cause it does, it drives me nuts. Yeah. I need it.

Chrystal: And we all need it. And even people that are quote unquote, regular size, they need a little more to, you know, none of 'em wearing a thong, but like I'm wearing a pair under. I need more. I need more space anymore. Earth. I need more something. 

Merf: I got lips that I don't want them hanging off the sides 

Chrystal: unless you want your lips hanging off the side.

Merf: And that's cool. But usually for my everyday undies, I don't, 

Chrystal: yeah. It's funny that people always tell me, you know, that they've heard, you know, curvy girls have bigger vaginas and I'm like some womxn of size, some people size have a larger labia, but not all fat girls. So, and [00:11:00] only way I know this is because I own the lingerie store and I kind of assumed that most of our labia's and the mind's kind of all were fuller on everybody, but not true.

Chrystal: And I've seen them where this just like, like some thinner people have where that's just kind of just like they're clitoris in their inner, what do you call it? The labia minora. And I've seen it. I've seen the big ones. I've seen the fuller ones, the fluffy ones, the hanging ones and the ones on really fat people that have no fluffy lips.

Chrystal: So, who knew we're all totally 100% just like snowflakes. We're all unique. And that's the beautiful thing. Exactly. But that's also why it's hard to make clothes for people of size. Right. Because we're so unique. 

Merf: Right. And we have different distribution of fat in our bodies. It's going to look different for every single person.

Chrystal: Yeah, absolutely. So, I was telling you about the show on Netflix [00:12:00] called the principles of pleasure, the principle of pleasure. 

Chrystal: Did you get to look at that at all?

Merf: I started it, but I haven't been able to finish it. I'm so fascinated and enthralled. 

Chrystal: Yeah. It was really interesting. It was only three episodes and it's on a Netflix.

Chrystal: And I noticed that all of the people that were being interviewed except for one were womxn of size, I was like, oh, all of a sudden, I was like, Hey, I went back. I'm like only one thin person is like narrating. Well, the narrator is named her name is Michelle. Buteau BUTEAU. And then there's, oh, you know, who's in it.

Chrystal: You probably know. Emily Negosyo because sick the velvet vulva lady, and she has that book come as you are. Yes. She's. Yeah. She writes great books. She's very matter of fact. And just very like, you know, these are the words, this is how it's called is the vulva. This is the vagina don't confuse the two.

Chrystal: I [00:13:00] mean, hello you. And I know that, but not everybody just refers to everything down there, right. The vagina, but the vagina is actually the birth canal. Right? That's where your tampons go. That's the vulva is everything else around it. For the most part, I wish I had my velvet vulva nearby. The thing is so cool.

Merf: I know I've seen; I just like, I've always wanted to buy one. I, every time I see one. 

Merf: They're so beautiful. They're so pretty. They're just, they're made so well, it's all velvet on the 

Merf: outside and I love it when they're like talking and they hold it up and then they're like stroking it as they talk and they're well, and this is the clit.

Merf: And then this is the labia majora. And then, you know, and I'm just like, oh my gosh, I'd love that. I want that little hand puppet. 

Chrystal: It's so great. And it really, it's, you'd be surprised how many people have no idea what their anatomy is called and which is their clitoris and which is their hood. And., I mean, you know, I did, for 10 years, all I did was home parties, educating and entertaining people about sex toys and [00:14:00] their own genitalia.

Chrystal: And when people would get me alone in the bedroom, or I would be taking orders by I'm like, do you not have Google? Like, I've been curious about these kinds of things since I was young. So, I wanted to know, you know, I wanted to know what everything was called and I wanted to look and check it out. Right.

Chrystal: I guess some people just don't have any curiosity about their own genitals, but I did from a young age, and I just wanted to know what we didn't really call it, like, I don't know, PP and TT and all that stuff at my house. It was like vulva vagina. Not like these little weird words, you know.

Merf: Same here. My mom sat me down and got out a piece of paper and a pen. And she was like, okay. And she like drew it, you know? And she's like, and this is the clitoris. And then, you know, and this is how babies are made and she, you know, walked through the whole discussion and because I had asked about it, you know?

Merf: And the people that I went to school with, the little kids that I went to school with were, you know, like, oh my mom says that you can have babies from kissing or, you know, stuff like that. And she was just like [00:15:00] no, you know, science teacher. So, she says what it is. But yeah, I mean people really, I think that they are curious, and they are interested, but I think there's so much shame around like exploring your body and understanding your body that it's just easier for people to.

Merf: Nope. It doesn't exist. I don't know. It's a mystery. 

Chrystal: You're exactly right. It is the shame, and I don't feel any shame. So, I feel like unbothered by it. You know, it's like, it is what it is. Hey, we all got here the exact same way from a vagina, you know, and our parents had sex. Everybody has to have sex to have a baby.

Chrystal: And unless you're a test tube baby, or you're doing, you know, maybe you have to do IVF or one of those things, I know something has to get involved sometimes, unfortunately for some people, but pretty much we all, are going to be coming from a vagina and that's the actual hole. That's where the penis goes in.

Chrystal: If you use, if you have sex with penises and that's where the sex toy goes in, if, I mean, it's, that's the vagina itself that the rest of, [00:16:00] it's not the vagina. Just not stop calling it that 

Merf: well. And they wonder why so many men struggle with finding the clit or finding, you know, cause it's not something that's discussed.

Merf: They're talking about the body. Like that is what in sixth grade, they talk about that, and they keep the boys in the girls separate. So, what, unless you have a parent that is sitting you down and having that discussion or you're going and finding it on Google, you shouldn't be doing that in sixth grade, by the way.

Merf: And then, you know, you don't know. And so, you know, you fill in the blanks with whatever information the people around you have. 

Chrystal: So true. So true. I used to tell my niece and nephew quite a bit of stuff, you know, and I tell them, look, don't go educating your whole sixth grade class because not everybody's comfortable with this level of information and don't you be the one that's out there educating them all.

Chrystal: Okay. So, I just want you to know is that it wants you to accidentally have an accident. I want you to know about pleasure. Consent. They're not going to teach you those things at [00:17:00] school. Right. But don't educate the whole block because they might get mad at your parents or me. Cause there's a lot of information, but you know, now I always tell them, you know, how about safe sex too?

Chrystal: And like, ah, rolling their eyes. I know you know, cause I would, as soon as they're in my car, I'm like, okay, let's talk about sex because you know, if you have a baby that you don't mean to not only do you have a baby, the rest of your life, but you also have to co-parent sometimes you have to co-parent with someone you don't really even like that much.

Chrystal: Right. So, you decide. Right. And yeah, we've all seen those situations that are just not good at all. But the show also talked about pleasure and how to receive pleasure and how to give yourself pleasure. And it talked a lot about how the penis and the clitoris are very similar, right? The clitoris is just like a little baby penis.

Chrystal: It's just that urethral sponge that turns into has lots of nerves. And gives you pleasure just like the penis, but the clitoris, can be anywhere from, you know, the size of a pea to the size of my [00:18:00] thumb. Penises can be the size of my thumb to, you know, eggplant size. 

Chrystal: It's done so well. And I bet you probably know some of these, if you saw them like Erica Hart Gina, Nicole Brown, Michelle Butoh is the narrator. Supriya gon gunner. I like these people look familiar to me, so I must've seen them. You get sex toy, trade shows, you know, or something like that, or on blogs, but it was done really well.

Chrystal: So good. Honestly, schools should show this it's not erotic. And I guess people have been complaining that it's not erotic enough. Like it's not supposed to be erotic. It's not supposed to turn you off. It was to educate you. Shesh people, I swear people get mad at everything nowadays, but it's so good.

Chrystal: And it's, I wish every high school kid could see all three episodes. It's, there's nothing. That's not okay for somebody 12 and up to see, I think it's perfect. It's done. They even talked about the clitoral legs. You know how the [00:19:00] clitoris is, you know, in that spot between your labia, but then underneath inside of your body, there's all those legs and stuff.

Chrystal: I love clitoral legs. 

Merf: Well, and it's so important for people to understand the anatomy of pleasure, you know, and all the pieces that create that. And so, it's a lot about what we're talking about today. 

Chrystal: Yeah. I know going to check it. You got some interesting questions and stuff, 

Merf: right? Do we have listener mail and I want to do listener mail early this time?

Merf: Normally we're doing hot topics. The hot topic is correlated to the mail. It worked out perfectly. So, I figured we'd talk about the question and then jump into the hot topic and keep it going. So, the question that we got was it's an interesting question. We got to break it down. I think in a couple of different ways here it is.

Merf: My boyfriend's version of foreplay is rubbing against me [00:20:00] and half-heartedly fingering me any tips for someone who is quote bad at foreplay. 

Chrystal: Do you have any tips? 

Merf: Well, here's my first thing. If you're already saying that somebody's bad at foreplay and we got a problem, right? So, we go back to our communication is lubrication.

Merf: It's time to start having a discussion. It's really important to be able to talk to your partner about what turns you on what turns you off now, to me rubbing up against me. For foreplay. I am a huge dry humping fan. 

Chrystal: I miss dry humping. 

Merf: Seriously. There's not enough dry humping happening in the world, at least for our age range, maybe for teenagers, but I get it.

Merf: So, she's saying, you know, he's rubbing up against me. It's really not doing anything for me. My guess is probably he's like rubbing his penis on her thigh or [00:21:00] something like that. And then half-heartedly fingering me. So, my guess is probably we're talking DJ dittles over here, just like, you know, scratching a record or something.

Merf: So, I get it that she's saying, you know, it's bad at foreplay, but I'd say that mindset right there is probably already working against you. You know, if we're talking about foreplay, it's a mind game. It really is. It's really about, you know, how you feel about your partner, how you feel in the moment all the sexy things that have happened to get you into that mindset.

Merf: And if that's not happening, that's the first problem. 

Chrystal: Yep. So true. One thing that, so she says, we were just talking about the clitoris and clitoral legs. One thing I think that could be helpful is maybe having a discussion together like, oh, I was listening to this crazy podcast and these ladies were saying, these are the clitoris has legs, and I can have an orgasm from my G-spot and this [00:22:00] and that.

Chrystal: And so, did you know the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings? Did you know the vaginal entrance has like 6,000? Did you know, the anus has 8,000. Everybody gets 8,000 nerve endings. There it's equal opportunity hole. Everybody gets 8,000 nerve endings around the butthole. I like to call it the Cullo. Maybe, you know, maybe they have a discussion about those kinds of things so that they both know.

Chrystal: And usually, you know, I mean, you have to ask for what you want. They can't read your mind. 

Merf: And I think a big part of that too, is not only if you feel uncomfortable asking, maybe you're not at that place where it feels like you can freely say that. I hope that you get there because you should be able to freely say that you're allowing this person to touch your vulva.

Merf: And all those types of things. But that being said, you know, I think it's really important that you share what you like. And if you're not liking it, say, you know, hey babe, why don't you decrease the speed or Maybe vibrate your, or tap your finger instead of moving your [00:23:00] finger left and right.

Merf: Or, you know, and walking them through that process to find out what works. Another great thing is to come at it. As I call, whenever I tell my therapy clients, you know, you're going to just try something. I always say, you're going to get to be the scientist. You're going to put on the lab coat and just try it out because there's no wrong thing to try.

Merf: Right. You're just going to see what happens. So, if you're doing that, when it comes to foreplay and you start talking about, well, I don't know what I like. Maybe I haven't really had somebody do something that I really enjoy and saying to your partner, I want to try X, Y, and Z. You know, one of the things I remember a long time ago, I had somebody ask me like, well, I don't know.

Merf: I want to try something different. And I said, well, what about like those edible body paints? And they were like, oh wait. Yeah, no I okay. Yeah. I think I could ask about that because it's so different. Right? You start out with something that's really different and then try to get back to what you really want to try or enjoy. [00:24:00] 

Chrystal: And I think sometimes I think things seem like such common sense, but then I realized that because I had so curious from such a young age, I guess I have a lot more ideas in my head about things that other people don't, maybe I read anything and everything that has to do with sex, toys, sex technology, sex products, things that tastes good, things that are safe for the vagina.

Chrystal: Like I just want to read it all. And maybe that everybody has that knowledge. Yeah. I get some body pains. Like that's some one-on-one stuff right there. You can buy it at Spencer's at the mall. You know, you could even use things from your kitchen cabinet, just no sugar near the vagina. Those two are big time enemies.

Chrystal: Don't do them. Don't ever get sugar near your vagina. You'll be so sorry. But yeah, maybe people just. I don't know, they don't do the research. Another thing that occurred to me too, is maybe she could explain to him how she masturbates. Yeah. Does she circle her clitoris? She vibrates with a bullet. Does she, how does she do that?

Chrystal: And then share that with him. And my boyfriend told me this a long time ago, [00:25:00] if you're intimate enough to mash your genitals together, that should be that you could talk about anything with that person. Cause you're, it's pretty intimate to put one person's genitals into another person's genitals. If you're to that point in your relationship, you should be able to talk about anything and everything and he's right.

Merf: Absolutely. He's right. 

Chrystal: But not everybody thinks that way.

Merf: Sadly not everybody thinks that way until, you know, if we're talking slowly easing into it, Then having that conversation marking on your body with some body paints of, you know, try here or yeah, big arrow down south, but you know, just having that discussion in a very clear way, I really like it when I, what really turns me on is, you know, those are great positive ways to start a conversation.

Merf: Now don't start out saying, why do you do [00:26:00] defensive? Right. Defensive question. Don't ask why. Just say, you know, I really like when, cause that's not judgmental. That's just stating something that you enjoy. 

Chrystal: Yeah. Take the judgment out. It also, I know we've discussed this before, but sometimes those discussions or those happen better outside of the bed.

Chrystal: 'cause sometimes inside the bedroom, people feel judged. If you have a discussion over dinner, lunch, or breakfast, whatever, chit chatting on the couch, that makes things a little less they don't feel like they're being put upon, you know, it could be her or him. Maybe he has things he wants her to try.

Merf: Absolutely. Well, yeah, and maybe she's not, maybe she's not moving around, making noise, or giving him any indication of what something is that she does, like, or doesn't like, right. And so, his hands, yeah, it may be, Hey, he's got sandpaper hands and it doesn't feel comfortable or he needs to trim his nails or whatever it may be.

Merf: But having that discussion of just, I really like it when we're making out and I can sit [00:27:00] on top of you and rub against you, not when your leg is touching or where your penis is touching my thigh, you know, I get more out of it if I get to straddle you and make out with you, or I, you know, if you turn it into I-statements and you start having those discussions, it's way better.

Merf: But part of that too, is what are you doing outside of the bedroom? What are the things that you're doing that are? Kind gestures that you're doing for your partner that indicate I really care about you. And I can't wait until we have time to get into the bedroom later. 

Chrystal: Yeah. It was called surprise and delight.

Chrystal: I love to surprise and delight my partner and he loves to surprise and delight me. And then, you know, that keeps us going because you know, when you have sex with the same person for a long time, you got to find some ways to keep it interesting. And so, we try to keep it outside of the bedroom. We kind of try to keep a little repartee going back and forth and.

Chrystal: Yeah, we do nice things for each other so that we [00:28:00] both can feel loved and cared for. And like his pleasure means it means a lot to me. I want to make sure that he's really enjoying it and hit my pleasure means a lot to him. Right. That's the best. Right. But it takes a lot of talking. Talk.

Chrystal: I swear. Sex. Good sex takes so much talking. Sometimes it's exhausting, but it's so worth it in the end. 

Merf: Absolutely. Well, and good sex takes a lot of like practicing and trying stuff. I mean, you don't, if you don't know, if you haven't played with body paints, if you haven't had a fun lube, if you haven't done, those are things that you need to try and find out if you like it or not.

Chrystal: Absolutely. And I found too, like from when you go from one partner to another partner, I would say like 80% of the things that worked with the first partner will work with partner new partner, but like 20% is going to be unique to each person. Some people like teeth, some people don't, some people like, you know, the death grip, some people [00:29:00] don't.

Chrystal: So, you know, you have to find out the other 20%, what is their 20%? What are they like? What makes them, what are their, do they like nipple play or not? I mean, everybody's different, even though there's some things that you know, is going to work, you know, like I really never met a penis. I couldn't figure out, but clitorises, vaginas, and vulvas.

Chrystal: Those are tricky. Yeah. Those are really tricky because we're also in our head a lot. Right. For as we're for those of us who were born with that kind of. And we have to learn how to compartmentalize things sometimes. Right? We're not always that great at that right away. It took me awhile to be able to go.

Chrystal: I love the waffle brain. Like I wanna just want to have like nine little poop, NOI put those nine things in there and that's it. And now it's sex time. So that comes out of the compartment it's on, right? It doesn't, I'm more like a spaghetti bowl brain. 

Chrystal: Exactly. I that's one of those things where it's like, okay, if your partner is doing something special for you outside of that, you're starting to think about it.

Merf: You're starting to get into that mindset and [00:30:00] compartmentalizing a little bit more of like, okay, this can be over here. And it's sexy time in my brain now. And I can focus on that, and you know, it, it makes a big difference. My, my husband, you know, sometimes come along and just like, do something random around the house.

Merf: That's like my chore, you know? And then it's like, when I don't have to do that, and I, you know, it's one less thing I have to think about or stress about. Then I'm already like, oh, I feel so much better. You know, it's just like this quick, easy little thing. And then I'm starting to think like, Ooh, I should repay him some way.

Chrystal: Put your penis in my mouth now, 

Merf: not going to lie. 

Chrystal: I already know you detailed my car and you cleaned it out and put gas in it. Hello. Hello. So hot, 

Merf: right? It just like, oh my goodness. Let's see those Tik TOK videos of the guys, like instead of getting shirtless or whatever, they're like washing a dish and then putting it in the dishwasher [00:31:00] 

Merf: and vacuuming

Merf: and it's I mean, it sounds silly, but it's true. It's one less thing that, that is going to take away from you getting to focus in, on being intimate with your partner and, you know, and you can take those things off your plate then. Yeah. You're much more apt to be able to jump their bones when you get the, yeah.

Merf: That light. Exactly. It starts turning on. It's 

Chrystal: so easy. Sometimes I think some couples make it so much more difficult than it needs to be. You know, it's like, ah, I wish they could figure out how easy it can be. And it really is just doing things and treating the other person with the most respect and.

Chrystal: Just surprising them and delighting them. It could be the smallest thing, but so it feels so good. And it makes you just want to yeah. Flip that switch and get it on. Right. 

Merf: Well, it's a turn on. It's like, wow. My partner was thinking about me [00:32:00] outside of whatever, you know, and the fact that they did that means that, you know, they knew that would take off, you know, the stress or the worry that I had.

Merf: And they're paying attention to me and anticipating my needs for womxn, especially, that's a huge aspect of it. And when you can take all that off the table and really zero in, then you're able to have those really intimate sexual moments without a care in the world. 

Chrystal: The anticipating my needs that blows my mind like, wow, how did you know?

Chrystal: You know, it's like so hot and it's so easy and he just does it. And. Oh, thank you. I want to thank you a million times, you know, and it's easier for me to shut off all the other stuff that, you know, the dry cleaning and the pick this up, drop that off, pay this bill. I'm just like, oh, now I want to focus on him because he's trying so hard to anticipate what might help me.

Chrystal: Right. You know, I cleaned up your cracks. It might [00:33:00] make you have a better week, and you'll feel more organized. I'm like, oh, you have no idea. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That's amazing. And now I'm turned on. So, get naked.

Merf: Oh, I don't have something I have to worry about. Cool. Let's get naked. 

Chrystal: I mean, right. It's crazy. It's just not that difficult, but people like, It seems like some people make it really difficult and you know, it's your partner's personality too. Can make things difficult, you know, and I'm really, I'm high energy.

Chrystal: So, I'm like an extra he's very low energy and, but he's extra in his own way. But yeah, it's working for us. 

Merf: Yeah. Well, and it goes back to the fact that you have the ability to talk to each other about any and everything. 

Chrystal: We're just talking about the over diner last night. He's like, I so appreciate you.

Chrystal: He's like, cause I, I would rather know the answer to stuff. I don't want to wait and just like walk on eggshells. Oh, he might be mad or this or that. I'd rather just know, [00:34:00] Hey, this happened. He's like, I appreciate that about you so much. I go, I appreciate that about you. I'd rather just talk about it now. I don't want it.

Chrystal: I don't want anything. Festering. Festering is not sexy. 

Merf: No. And it really creates the conflict. That's not necessary because like we talked about earlier, people fill in the gaps, right. If you're not having the conversation, then oh, then he's mad at me. Oh, he's upset that I did something or another, oh, maybe if I had only done this or that.

Merf: You're filling in the gap. 

Chrystal: The fear starts filling in the gaps. Right? That's why I just want, we'll find out now we want to know, you know, like, are you into me or not like people put that off for so long and I'm like, oh my God, I can't go on that many dates. I just want to know, are you into me?

Chrystal: Yeah. This is not, let's just, let's kill this right now. You know? And people just, they always want to wait and find out. I'm like, no, not me. I want the answer now. Exactly why? I don't know. What's yeah, I don't know. 

Merf: Well, and I think part of this too, you know, when we're [00:35:00] talking about the mail that we got, I think part of that is really experimenting with your own self and having, you know, what it is that you like down to a T so that you can say to your partner, this is what I like.

Merf: Like you mentioned with, you know, just masturbating and being able to figure out this is what I like and tell them. I have a feeling that if you're not having this conversation with your partner, you probably aren't even having this conversation with yourself. And so having those discussions with yourself of what do I like to have I tried these different things and expecting your partner to be a mind reader in that is not going to get you anywhere.

Merf: You really have to have that conversation. But if you don't feel comfortable saying that to yourself, there's no way you're going to feel comfortable saying it to another person. 

Chrystal: I know sometimes people think I'm being arrogant. When I say I don't have bad sex, I don't, I'm 54. I'm not putting up with bad sex, but [00:36:00] mainly because I know what I want and I'm not afraid to ask for it.

Chrystal: I need more of this. I need more of that. Less of this, less of that. That's not good. I need something different. And I don't, I just make sure I always get off because I know what I want and need. And I can go do it for myself, or my partner can help me, but I just, I'm not afraid to ask for what I want and that's how I never have bad sex anymore 

Merf: And it takes a while to get there.

Chrystal: Right. Yeah. When I was in my teens or whatever, you know? Yeah. I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

Merf: But if you're having those conversations with yourself and with your partner. Yeah. Good sex is on the way. 

Merf: Absolutely. 

Merf: Yeah. We'll settle. Don't settle. No. And another thing you can do too, is if you don't feel comfortable saying, this is what I like, or, you know, this is what pleases me.

Merf: Then you can ask your partner what pleases you, what do you like? And maybe they'll reciprocate that question. So, if you're asking and seem interested, then they may potentially say to [00:37:00] you, okay. I told you mine. So, what do you like? Correct. And that can start the conversation. Absolutely. But I think after reading that email, it really is a lot of talking.

Merf: That's going to have to take place a lot of 

Chrystal: Talking before sexing.

Merf: Yeah. 

Merf: And experimenting. Cause your partner may not have a lot of experience and maybe you do. And so, you know, you can either utilize that and be a teacher or you can ask and say, what are you like? This is what I like and fix it that way.

Chrystal: Yeah. 

Chrystal: I love it. Is that it for the questions? Do you want to tell everybody how to send us in their questions? 

Merf: Yes. You can send us your questions at sexy@bigsexychat.com and we are taking any and all questions. We potentially will read them on the air and answer them. We're also taking sexy stories. If you have a sexy story that you would like to share and have us critique or discuss it, [00:38:00] we have one from a person that I think we can talk about on one of our future episodes about having some sex out in public.

Chrystal: Ooh, I have done that once at lake Tahoe. Oh, I was really young, but yeah, we had sex on a. Granite rock right next to the lake. And then one of those little airplanes flew over and they were like waving and I'm lying on my back and I'm like, yay. But I was like twenty. I was a lot braver back then.

Merf: That's awesome. 

Chrystal: And also, if people, when they do send in their emails or their questions, they can let us know whether we can use their name or not. Then if they don't want us to use their name, then we won't. But if they don't mind, we would love to just say your first name or whatever, or where you're from.

Chrystal: Yeah. 

Chrystal: I just, something a little more personal if you feel like it, please say. Yeah, 

Chrystal: totally. And then also I should say too, people can go to big, sexy chat and they can sign up for our newsletter. I only sent one so far, but just to let people [00:39:00] know when our last show dropped. So, you know, I'd probably send like one a month, maybe two.

Chrystal: But if you go to big sexy chat, there's a place where you can add your email. Yeah. Yeah. 

Merf: You can also like subscribe and share. I'm just gonna throw these in there early, even though you're going to hear it at the end, but review us, we're having so many people like starting to review us and I was so exciting.

Merf: I'm loving it. Yeah. That's really 

Merf: cool. Yeah. 

Merf: Okay. So, we're going to talk about the vibe of the week. We're talking about lube. 

Chrystal: Yes. 

Merf: Lube. Since this is the foreplay edition of the big sexy chat, we need to talk about lube Chrystal, what's your favorite lube? 

Chrystal: I love silicone lube. I love the brand. PJUR PJUR. It's made in Germany. I always say it's like the rolls Royce of lubricants. It's expensive, but it's worth every penny. I'm [00:40:00] 54. I do not pay, mind paying a little bit more for my lubricant. Cause I want the good stuff. I don't want anything to make me itchy.

Chrystal: There's no preservatives, no fragrance. No flavor. Just loop and it just keeps going and going and going, and you can even have sex underwater. So, you don't get that feeling. It keeps everything lubricated, even underwater. If you are. If your hair is flyaway, you can put a little PJUR lubricant in your hair.

Chrystal: Kind of like BioSilk, it gets rid of the frizzies. It's the best. I love it. I love it. I love it. I can't say enough about it. It's expensive, but you can use it for massage. You can do like the new roo slip and slide kind of thing. If you have both, have it on. Ah, it's really great for like Chub rub and, you know, putting it on your genitals to keep things from rubbing and getting monkeybutt, if you know, go hiking or whatever, it just, I love it.

Chrystal: And there's no scent, no fragrance, no flavor just works like a million dollars. Can you tell, I love it. [00:41:00] 

Merf: You're if you'd like to sponsor us 

Chrystal: Pjur, we need you and sports sheets too. Yeah. It's the best. I've probably sold millions of bottles for them. I sell on my website, and I like, if you see this black bottle is PJUR made in Germany.

Chrystal: They make great cars, fast cars, fast lubes there, they make some stuff really beautifully. And this is lubricant is one of the things that Germans have figured out. And it's they're the first company ever to say, hey, why doesn't anybody regulate lubricants that come into America? And so, they kind of help the government create.

Chrystal: The standard for testing has to make sure their bodies safe because obviously the vagina and the mouth are mucus membranes. And we want to make sure that everything we put in there is not going to cause any kind of cancer or yeast infections or UTIs or anything else. So, they help to create standards.

Chrystal: So now thankfully all lubricants have to go through this process, but [00:42:00] before PJUR did this in Europe, of course they, the EU has all kinds of things set up. But at here there was nothing. So, like cosmetics, right. It was like they had it under the cosmetic label. And so, it just got imported. People just sold it and no idea what it did for your vagina, you know, nobody knows, but PJUR pear, always so good. The best. 

Merf: I have learned so much new stuff in that statement right there. I that's just so great. I didn't realize any of that. 

Chrystal: Yeah, that's good stuff. Or they're the neatest people too. And they will almost always at the sex trade shows and they're just super generous and they have so many different lubes now...

Chrystal: I use their body glide, but they have one made for womxn, but I just use the black bottle by it's called body glide. A hundred milliliter hundred milliliter bottle is usually right around 25 to $30. Some places charge a lot more. This is one of those cases too, where I wouldn't buy my lubricant on Amazon, for example, unless like PJUR has their own store on Amazon, but there's so many knockoffs out [00:43:00] there and you don't want to buy knockoffs on lubricants or sex toys because you're kind of put it in places you want it to be real and good and medically, okay.

Chrystal: You know, like the medical grade, silicone, or the hospital grade silicone, you don't want to use that rubbery crap anymore. Just not worth it. We don't know. Nobody knows petroleum products. We don't know what's going to happen. You know, where people are going to get a bunch of cervical cancer, they don't know.

Chrystal: But now somebody is watching. Yes. What about you? 

Merf: Okay, so I broke mine down into categories, so, I do love PJUR lube. I have used I've used their water-based previously and enjoyed it. It's for me, like, I like water-based for sex. Like I, I prefer that I prefer silicone for hand stimulation just because how slick it is, how it doesn't it doesn't get sticky.

Merf: It doesn't have any of those things. So, I prefer a silicone based [00:44:00] lube for HJS. 

Merf: Yes.

Merf: Yeah, it does. So, I use ID millennium, lube really pleased with them. It's always consistent. I haven't had any problems in terms of like skin reactions or anything like that with them. And I just love how I love how shiny and how slick it is. 

Chrystal: It's the 

Merf: best for sex. I like water-based lube, like I mentioned, and my brand is Swiss Navy.

Chrystal: Oh, they make great lube. Yeah. 

Merf: Yes. Very sexually friendly. So, if I'm using a fleshlight with my partner, I am I'm using the Swiss Navy. If I'm doing anything where there's going to be insertion to me, and I want to use lube, it's going to be Swiss Navy. Like I've really been happy with their brand.

Chrystal: Yeah. It goes well with your body. 

Merf: Yes. Yes. 

Merf: And I have a lot of weird allergies, so I have to always like test it out on my, the inside of my elbow, you know, before I do anything. And then for oral sex, not for [00:45:00] female. Not for females. We already had the discussion about sugar is no bueno for oral sex or any kind of anything.

Merf: So, we're talking oral sex with a male or penis, a penis have her. Yes. My favorite and I ha I used to hate flavored lubes, but I have found this brand wicked central. Wicked like the porn in higher salted caramel flavor. Delicious. Yeah. And I've really been pleased with a lot of the flavors that they have through the wicked brand.

Merf: But I've, I mean, I've literally bought, like, I think every flavor that they have, and Jessica Drake is the sponsor for that. And she's like, you know, okay. So, if you take a little bit of the peach one and you add a little bit of the blueberry and like, you know, and like mixing them up. So, I've done that with them.

Merf: Yeah. I've done that with a couple of them and it actually is...

Chrystal: cocktail, I said, cock, [00:46:00] crack myself up sometimes. 

Merf: And I usually would start giggling it that I totally missed it. 

Chrystal: I missed it at first too, 

Merf: but yeah, it makes a quite a nice little cocktail. 

Chrystal: Were you with us the night we had dinner with Jessica Drake.

Merf: Yeah. 

Chrystal: She was in town. Yeah. That was fun. 

Merf: We've had we've had a couple of interactions with her James lady. Yeah. Yeah. She's very sweet. Beautiful. Yeah. Very kind person. She puts a lot of time into donating her money and her energy and stuff to some really great like world relief kind of efforts.

Merf: So, she's great. But yeah, she's an ambassador for that brand and she really turned me on to it because I initially was like, no, I'm done with flavored lubes forever. Like I did that shit when I was in my teens, like 18 - 20, you know? And it was awful 

Chrystal: Spencer's gifts, 

Merf: but that like metallic, like gross flight.

Merf: Yeah. And so 

Chrystal: I was [00:47:00] nothing works for very long. It's gets so sticky and tacky and like I would go to. To other pleasure parties and they say, oh, just spit on there. Some more water. I'm like, why can't I just have a lubricant? Then I have to spit on or add water to I'm like doing all this, you know, I'm like, I know we'll just make a lube work.

Chrystal: And then I realized it was when they put the it's a sugar derivative that they put in them a lot. And it's terrible. But yeah, I have tried that. I love anything salted caramel. Anyway, it's a lot better. It's gotten so much better than it used to be an I probably should be less picky, but I just, I don't ha I have a hard time with the flavored ones, but it's fun, you know?

Chrystal: If the ball's tastes like salted caramel or blueberry, that's kind of 

Chrystal: fun. Right? I'll spend a little bit of extra time. Just 

Chrystal: I forgot to say about the PJUR or any kind of silicone lubricant. Not that anybody has anal sex. I know nobody has it, but silicone lubricant is really great for anal sex because it will never get dry or sticky or tacky.

Chrystal: And if you're having anal sex, you want the [00:48:00] best and no matter how much lube you think you need double, it can't have too much. And we should talk about this sometime because I have like the nine tips for pain-free anal sex, but one of them is use really good silicone lubricant because it won't burn the Culo.

Chrystal: Cause there's going to be a little micro tears when you have anal sex or anal penetration and it won't dry up and it gets sticky. So good stuff for that too. I meant to mention that. Sorry about that. 

Merf: No, absolutely. And another thing is you don't want to use silicone. lube with silicone toys 

Chrystal: mostly. That's true. Yes. But if, you know, you have medical grade, silicone, like from Tampa's and you know, your lubricants medical grade, they can work together. Yes. But most people don't have any ideas. So I would say it when you do mix them together, you know what happens Merf, right. Everything melds into like one melty, weird blob of sex toys, and it's just, it's [00:49:00] over 

Merf: So gross.

Chrystal: So don't do it unless, you know, for sure. 100%. Yeah. 

Merf: If you're not feeling like you're an expert on it, don't do it. 

Chrystal: Cause you're going to ruin your sex toys and they get all gooey and goopy and smelly and it's sucks. 

Merf: Use a good water based lube, not a silicone lube. 

Chrystal: Absolutely. Yes. It's unfortunately there's a lot of sex toy companies that are not.

Chrystal: Ethical and they'll say silicone, but what they mean is like a little bit of silicone and a lot of petroleum. So when you see medical grade silicone, that means that company went to the trouble and the time and the money to find medical grade silicone and make their toys with medical grade silicone, which means they're going to cost more.

Chrystal: They're not going to be, you know, $10. They're going to be more like a hundred dollars, but you'll have them forever. Right. So I think it's, I think it's a great investment personally, but I've been selling sex toys since 2003. So I'm kind of, I'm prejudiced [00:50:00] and I like 

Chrystal: the good stuff I was going to say.

Merf: And I appreciate that about you. 

Chrystal: I mean, I just, I keep saying I'm 54. I don't want to mess around with that crap anymore. Yeah. Keep it away from me. I want the good stuff. 

Merf: Yeah, no, I'm not interested at all in anything that you're buying at Spencer's gifts. Nope. In the sex toy realm. 

Merf: Oh, thank you. Right.

Chrystal: There's some fun stuff at Spencer's, but not the sex toys. Right. 

Merf: I'll go through and look at it and I'll laugh, but I'm not buying any of it. Maybe something 

Merf: funny. 

Merf: Yeah. Maybe something funny for like a bachelorette party or something like that, but yeah, like 

Chrystal: A turd, you know, like the pu they have, or a cool t-shirt but no, their sex twice.

Chrystal: No, not the best to know. 

Merf: Yeah, no, it's go check out the bliss connection site and see what you can actually get that's worthy of you and worth getting. 

Chrystal: Yeah. Invest in you and invest in. It's a good toy. Like I said earlier, you know, anything from [00:51:00] sports sheets, anything from Swiss Navy, anything from liberate or PJUR.

Chrystal: They don't make toys, but you know, if you don't, if you're confused about the good brands, feel free to email me or private message me in big, sexy chat on Facebook or on Instagram or Twitter. And I'll point you to some good stuff. But you know, if you would just, if you're buying some bachelorette gifts, maybe you just want to spend 10 bucks, that's fine.

Chrystal: But when you're investing for yourself, get the good stuff, save a little more money and buy something really good. Yes. You're worth it. Yeah. 

Merf: It's so you're so deserving of it and you don't even realize it and you'll notice the difference if you've never purchased a very expensive vibrator and you've always purchased those little crappy cheap plastic ones, do yourself a favor, save up the money, get yourself a nice vibrator and oh, enjoy.

Chrystal: And back to the foreplay thing. Sex toys are fantastic for foreplay and fantastic for oral and. You can [00:52:00] have a vibrator on your clutter as while he's inside of you or she's inside of you with a strap on or whoever, whomever. Exactly. She, they, everybody, all of them at the same time, I don't judge anybody.

Chrystal: Do whatever makes you feel good? As long as everybody's consenting, there's no animals involved, no family involved. Get down with your bad self. 

Merf: Yes. Yes. Get down with your bad self 

Chrystal: and yeah, but it's great for foreplay. You can do all kinds of things. It's great. Forgiving a penis, haver, oral, you can put the vibration on the testicles or the shaft.

Chrystal: There's so many things you can do with the foreplay part. Where a bullet in your undies and walk around all day long. Right? Give your partner the remote control. That's all foreplay 

Merf: absolutely. Well, and just going to the store and looking at this stuff, it's so fun. 

Merf: Foreplay. Yeah. Or getting on a webinar.

Merf: Yeah. Oh 

Merf: yeah. Or just get on the website and look it up together. And you know, [00:53:00] you can do more extensive research than when you're just in the store, you know, when you actually can like, Ooh, okay. I want to look up PJUR lube and see all the different types and order the kind that sounds good to me. Like you can do that with your partner as a foreplay event.

Chrystal: I used to tell people when I would do my home parties, they would be, you know, have we been married 20 years? We haven't had sex in 10 years. I'm like, okay, let's figure this out. And I would tell them, why don't you get open my website, get in your, get in bed, get your laptop. You both sit there and look at it and say, babe, you buy one toy.

Chrystal: I'll buy one toy. Let's get this going again. And that's just a great place to start. It's a great place to start with your foreplay. Just looking at sex toys might be enough to just get everybody turned on and ready to rock and roll. But if you're married, you know, it's, you don't want to have a sexless marriage.

Chrystal: I don't think no. I think it's, you know, my, one of my best blogs ever resentment never leads to hot sex. Cause there's a lot of resentment built up in, you know, as a therapist, resentment. Yeah. It's love killer. It's a sex killer. [00:54:00] 

Merf: Absolutely. Well, and it's the communication ender. 

Chrystal: Yeah. Resentment. Oh, 

Merf: it's bad and very bad.

Merf: And I think that a lot of people don't realize that they're heading in that direction. You know, it's terrible direction to go in. There's people that use sex as a weapon. People, you know, it's the relationship as a weapon. It just, it can get really bad. So the more secure you are in yourself and recognizing those red flags, the better off you are.

Merf: I think we did a great job talking about foreplay today now forever. I know I was getting like, oh man, it's going to get kind of late. And now I'm like, Ooh,

Merf: she's coming for ya.

Chrystal: This was fun. Thanks for this is awesome. It was fun 

Merf: doing a live stream too. 

Chrystal: [00:55:00] Yeah, very exciting. Yeah. All right. We'll see 

Merf: you later alligator after while crocodile