Help Overcoming Fat Shame

Big Sexy Chat; Episode 9 - SHAME

[00:00:00] Hi, welcome to big sexy. I'm Chrystal I'm MERF we're just two RA fatties sitting around chewing in the fat twice a month. We'll be chatting all about current events, hot topics sex toys, relationships, Scott politics, cannabis CBD, you name it. We're gonna talk about we're really excited to have you part of our community. Welcome, and enjoy. 

Hi there. Welcome to big sexy chat. My name's Chrystal. My name's Merf. Hi Merf. Hi, Chrystal. So happy to see you was weird. Just keeping a week. I missed you. I missed everybody, right? I know that three day weekend came outta nowhere. No kidding. I'm happy to be back here. Good Lord knows. I need the community right now and I need the love.

I think we all do the world is on fucking fire. I know we it's disgusting. It is. I know we try to keep our E episodes more evergreen, but what we're talking about in case you listen to this in a year or two, is that we just come off a massacre [00:01:00] of black people in Buffalo, New York, a massacre of little kids in Texas a massacre or a murder at a hospital from a guy who was mad at his surgeon about his back surgery.

It goes on and on. It's just been a nightmare. And then the pandemic we are actually we're. What do you call it for? It's surging here again in the bay area. Good times. Yeah. We're entering another wave here in California. Yeah. Great. It's a lot. Yeah, it really is so heavy. It just feels like there is very little that can be done to, to provide relief right now.

It doesn't feel like there's any relief. No, and I wanted to mention to, in case you're new in listening to us, we tend to have a format. Where we talk about current events, usually they're about fat politics, but these last two or three weeks have been just a hot mess. And then usually we talk about the topic of the week, and then we we bring in the questions from our listeners.

If you [00:02:00] ever have any input or questions, sexy@bigsexychat.com. And then we talk about the toy, the vibe of the week, and we're gonna do all that, but we're gonna talk about the questions that came in before we talk about the topic. Yeah. But anyway, we're talking about current events right now, and you said something earlier about, you know, just wonder what people are doing to take care of themselves right now.

Yeah. And I think that's one of the hardest things to do. Right. We really focus as a culture on the next thing and the next thing and the next thing, and we don't really take the time to stop and process. Yeah. And. I think that's where the change lies is in the processing and it's the next thing.

And the next thing to go onto, it's like we had the Johnny, Deb, Amber herd trial as like a distraction that's over, you know, so it's like we're right back to the thick of, [00:03:00] oh, the next mass shooting, the next mass shooting. And it just feels like. Never going to be a cease of any of this. Like it's never gonna end.

And I've had a lot of people just really struggling right now with you know, in therapy just saying, you know, I can't turn anything off in my brain cuz it's just always there, no matter what you're dealing with, whether it be, I don't watch the news. Well guess what your friends are talking about it can't miss it or I don't I don't participate in politics.

Sure. Well, guess what? That's the only way you're gonna see change. Nice fucking privilege you have, by the way. Exactly. And so I think there's just this instead of the processing, there's just this head in the sand mentality of like, no, I'm not listening. LALALALA you know, hands over the ears kind of thing.

And we're not getting anywhere with it. No. And in the meantime, we're just watching massacre after massacre and you know, I'm sick and tired of [00:04:00] hearing. The same stuff. There's, it's literally like the exact same quotes over and over again. Yep., and it's just, that it drives me insane. It drives me insane, Chrystal.

I really struggle with it. I'm struggling too. I've been through some shit and you know, trauma makes you stronger, unfortunately, or fortunately, but I'm struggling too. And I always wonder like, I'm well, medicated. I'm pretty well adjusted. I can't imagine if you're not how fucked up this all is. And I know everybody's saying the same shit, you know, we thought after Sandy hook and all those little kids got killed, that would be a big change.

And there wasn't. And so people say, well, this feels like a reckoning kind of like the George Floyd reckoning. I'm like, tell us that gun lobby this job. Yeah. They had a lot of money. They a lot of money and I know it's more than just guns. Right? We've talked about this before. Right. Right. People who are young people, I think you were saying a lot of things developed in a human.

When [00:05:00] they, the age zero to five and you learn, you know, how much you're gonna be loved and how much hugging and all I know it's a whole fucking mess up issues, not just mental health and not just guns. Right. But it's both a lot of those two things. Yeah. And I really, I go back to Malcolm Gladwell wrote a book.

God, I can't remember which one it'll be in the notes cuz I'll find out by then. Okay. But he talks about suicide and he talks about how people back in the day would put their heads in the oven. And once they figured out how to do that and change it so that people couldn't kill themselves by doing that suicides drastically dropped.

And he goes now, what would you think? You know, everybody says correlation is causation, right? Well, not always, but sometimes if you remove the means which someone has, they'll think differently later. And so it's, I'm not gonna impulsively do this horrible thing, like kill myself [00:06:00] because you've taken away the means, well, if we adapted that right to say, I don't know, automatic assault weapons, and people didn't have the ability to just do it impulsively.

Huh? Yeah. I wonder if we'd have a change in scenario. I would really love to see that people have to wait 30 days yeah. To buy and to be able to take home any kind of gun. Yeah. I think, and also I think you should be 21. I mean, I don't have the answers. I know you don't either. Right. All we can do is take care of ourselves and how we react to it.

Right. That's absolutely right. And I think that's where our control. That's where we start to feel like we have control over the situation. Yeah. When we can okay. I can't maybe control what the legislator's doing or whatever this is doing, but I can impact my local government. I can start making change at that level.

I can start to advocate and donate to things that are outside of the gun lobby. I can, you know, there's things that you can do, but I think [00:07:00] part of that, getting to that point where you feel like you can then have action, you have to be taking care of yourself and getting to the point where you feel like you have the motivation and the energy to do those things.

Yeah. Very true. All important. And so that's different for everybody, you know, I'd say for me, one of my favorite things to do is to paint. Like I, I'm not good at it.

yeah. I'd love to say that. I, you know, I'm some great artist or something I'm not at all. I'm like a stick figure person, but if you give me directions, I can do fairly well. , it's a stopping the world from going on around me and I have to focus on this one little thing and it turns my brain off.

Yeah. And it makes a big difference. And so, you know, I think finding the little things that you enjoy doing and spending some extra time, donating your time to doing them and carving out that time makes a really big difference in how you feel like you can approach[00:08:00] the shit show that is the world right now.

You feel like you have a little more control. Yeah. Cause we all feel, I feel very Helpless. Yeah. When it comes to this issue and I feel helpless around the abortion stuff too. Oh yeah. But I feel like there's ways I can, I know I, where I can affect change, but this mental health gun stuff, I don't know.

But anyway, but I loved your idea, like, what are you doing to take care of yourself? And you know what I did, I have a new app on my phone to help me meditate even just one minute meditations. I just put it on my phone yesterday because I have monkey brain. Like everybody else. I watch too much news.

Although over a Memorial Day weekend, I made it really a concerted effort not to watch and listen to too much of it. Cuz I drive myself nuts with it. And it's the same shit over and over. But yeah, this app is gonna help me at least do one minute meditations just to get me outta my monkey brain.

See if I can just change gears and relax my brain a little bit because it's a little bit overwhelming the last year with. Ever since the B [00:09:00] Buffalo massacre. Yeah. I've been really down. Yeah, no I agree. I think having something that, that reminds you, that triggers you, that you know, that extra push right now is really helpful.

So apps are a wonderful option to have a moment of calm, a moment of meditation, just getting outside of your brain. I mean, I, at this point in time, when I talk to patients, I'm really encouraging them to utilize whatever coping skills feel best for them that isn't going to harm them or someone else.

And there's really no judgment. And that's kind of what we're talking about today. Judgment. And then what leads to that is shame and guilt, right? So, yeah. So let's switch gears. Let's talk about you, we had a question from a listener. Yes. And I think we had a couple, right. Didn't we have another one.

I think we had two, yeah. Two or three. I, this was the one that I felt like, Ooh, that's a really, I'm sure a lot of people are experiencing this right now. [00:10:00] Okay. Yeah, let's hear it. Okay. So it is as a fat woman, I feel like on dating apps, I tend to only upload photos. I find flattering just had shots or old, full body pictures when it.

it's time to meet up with the date. I always back out, because I feel like I've catfished them in some way. Do I need to disclose that I'm fat on dating apps? What do you have a, do you have any feelings about this? Me? Oh, I have so many feelings about this. I had a feeling me too. I think, well, first of all, okay.

Using old pictures of yourself. Yeah. You're catfishing somebody for sure. That idea, that absolutely is true. And then why do you have a problem talking about your weight or that you're fat? That's the next question is, what about you makes you think that somebody's not gonna, like you, you know, what is happening in your life that makes you think that somebody's not gonna find you [00:11:00] attractive or sexy or whatever, just because your personal size.

And I, what does my grandma say? There's a lid for every pot. Exactly. Say it again. There's a lid for every pot. That's what Sydney said, right? Your grandma says that to her. Yeah. Yep. So I think that's exactly it, right? There's so much that needs to be unpacked here. Let's talk first about dating and some of the shame that we deal with fat people in terms of just admitting that you're fat or talking about the word fat, just what comes to mind in terms of shame and guilt around that?

Some people nerve have to come out as fat just as if somebody would come out as queer or gay or trans. They also have to be ready to come out as a fat person and just start identifying their self and see no insult in that. Right. It's not an insult. It just how my fucking body is. I have brown hair.

I'm fat. [00:12:00] I have green eyes. I'm fat. That's for me, that was a big part of it. Yeah. Yeah, no shame. Yeah. I think the shame comes from well, so shame is basically a violation of a social norm. And so if you think of shame in those terms, it's, you're violating a social norm. So this is something that society has set up as an expectation for you to meet a certain standard.

That's where the shame lies. Right. So when we're talking about how you feel like you can present yourself to the outside world, how you can approach other people or address a situation, shame is underlying all of those decisions. Now in, in what I've been, you know, looking at and just kind of, what's the difference between shame and guilt and why are those two things, you know, like what is it?

So it. in the research that I've been doing about guilt and shame. And I do this, you know, for therapy. I do this for a lot of [00:13:00] other stuff too, but with shame, we view ourselves in a bad light . So in this context, you are internalizing the message where with guilt, you are viewing the action of what has happened at, in the bad light.

So , that could be like, if somebody was spends all night drinking, you know, and then had got late to work or whatever, they're gonna blame it on the action. So I feel guilty about that. I drink so much and blah, blah, blah. And that's like my choice rather than internalizing where the internalization comes later of I'm gonna lose my job because I've made these choices.

I'm such a terrible person. That's where it feeds all that internal feeling. So when we're talking about how. how she's perceiving herself in going out into the dating world. You know, these are internalized thoughts and feelings that society has given her. [00:14:00] Right? So we're talking diet culture. Yeah. We're talking body positivity, body negativity, body neutrality.

And we're talking about the Western beauty standard, which is blonde and white and blue eye and tiny feet and big boobs. Right? Big big hips, little waist, big booty little waist. Yep. Yeah. So those messages and all those things that you see out in society in the world, when you don't feel like you're meeting those expectations, you internalize that and it becomes shame.

Yeah. I don't have any of that. I don't have a lot of shame myself. I do have guilt sometimes, but I don't really feel I have it. One of my friends has a ton of shame all the time and I'm like, Girl, let it go. I find for me, I'm just trying to think, how did I get out of that internalized fat phobia? I started educating myself about the Western beauty ideal, and then I look at all the things that I think are beautiful and that's like 1% of what I think is beautiful is [00:15:00] the Western beauty ideal.

So then what, I try to find beauty in everything. And then I started to realize the only reason I feel this is because of capitalism and like consumerism and the media. And I just decided I'm gonna stop buying with the media selling because look at all these other things that I think are beautiful. So maybe other people are like me and they go, this is all beautiful.

All these different bodies, all these different colors, all these ages. And that's kind of how I helped me to get myself out of that thing where I was like, eh, I don't wanna go because I'm gonna be the fattest one there or whatever, you know, and I guess. Right. I started educating myself about all the beauty there is in the world and all the different body types and all the, just, I was like, God, like when I look at a hundred men, I'm straight.

When I look at a hundred men, I'm not attracted to all of them. So why would I be upset if they look at me? And they're not all attracted to me? , I don't care [00:16:00] when you're not my type either, dude, you know, right. So I, I just started telling myself that self myself that a lot. Not gonna worry about that stupid ideal anymore.

Yeah. I think the way I really kind of started to step out of fat phobia was I started to surround myself very similar to what you said with different ideals of beauty and things that made me uncomfortable. I would follow those people on Instagram because that's smart. It's not them. That's making me uncomfortable.

It's my own internal thoughts and feelings about what yep. Is what I perceive as you know, or what I've been told to perceive as people I don't know her name, but the lady, the the lady who has the beard. Oh yeah. Uhhuh bear. I know you're talking about. Yeah. Badass. Yeah. I, and I'd love, she's beautiful tent and she's gorgeous.

 But I've never, like, I had so much, I have so much, like I have shame about the hair that I have on, [00:17:00] you know, my chin and from my P C O S and , you know, all that and it's like, yep, I'm gonna start following her. So that normalizes for me, and that doesn't feel so uncomfortable. And all those kind of things started to just kind of click into place.

And I noticed that the more I surrounded myself with accounts of people that didn't look like me and didn't do the same things that I did really opened up my eyes to. Wow. I've really been sold this message that, yep. That is not what I'm supposed to be and do, but it's way more fun over here. Like hell yeah, no doubt.

It's also good for your mental health to fill your feed with positive shit and. Get rid of the diet crap and all the people who are counting their fucking macros and oh, their carbs and their keto and just get that shit out of your feed. Yeah. It's not interesting. Like, I don't wanna hear about your diet.

Do you wanna hear about my bowel movements? I mean, [00:18:00] like it's so boring, nobody fucking cares about your diet or your workout plan. Go do your, whatever you wanna do go keto, go workout, but you're not superior to anybody else because you do all those things. And I don't know. I do. I won't mean to tell you about my stock portfolio.

Like, could it be any more boring than talk about diet shit? Yeah. And I don't understand, you know, the shame with the dieting, obviously. That really makes sense. Right. So if it's a violation of social norms then yeah. Oh yeah. Another thing that I found out is that women are quicker to feel shame than men.

No surprise there. Right. I know, I read that and I was like, well, that makes sense. Yeah, that's shocking. But then I also read that adolescents are far more likely to feel shame more intensely. And when I thought about that, I was like, well, it makes sense because it's the developing brain. Right.

And so you're going through certain stages, you know, at certain times in your life and yeah. Trying to figure out your identity and [00:19:00] who you are. And so when you have messages that you're, you shouldn't be those things or you shouldn't do those things and then maybe you're, that's what you wanna be or that's what you wanna do.

Well, yeah, that makes sense that it would really impact you a lot more. But Shane yeah, you lead to things like major depression. Self-harm, self-harm low self-esteem anxiety, bad decisions. If you have low self-esteem. Impulsive poor decision. Yep. And so the more that you recognize your thoughts and feelings around, whatever it is that you're internalizing the better off you're gonna be in being able to challenge those thoughts and feelings about shame.

Absolutely. And there's so many amazing people to follow that are doing this kind of work all the time and it's always in their feed. And it's so uplifting to me. And it's black trans queer brown, Asian, old young. Oh, it's so amazingly. [00:20:00] Inspirational and just fucking real and authentic and beautiful.

Absolutely. So when I think about that email that she sent and should I, I admit that I'm fat. Yeah, honey. Okay. Yeah. You're fat. Like I, I own it and feel good about it and challenge the social norm or the thought-feeling, the action of it. You know, if you feel like you have to hide yourself from some other person, you're never gonna be open and honest with that person because they're never gonna know the true you.

Yep. And I don't know about you, but I don't wanna be with somebody who judges a person by their body shape. Yeah. So already that person's, if I feel like that person might judge me that way, I wouldn't be interested. I would be, I would tap out at that point because, and if, yeah, I just, you gotta be a hundred percent honest.

I'll take you down a little story that. I was dating about seven or eight years [00:21:00] ago, my partner and I took a little, we call it a reboot and about three and a half months. And I was like, look, I'm gonna start dating. And I was like an eHarmony and match and all of it. Right. And I went on like seven first dates and three second dates and like two-third dates and one fourth date.

And I was like, put the fattest, ugliest pictures of myself on the thing. I was like, you know what? I'm so much cuter than this. So I'm gonna put this ugly picture and unflattering, I'm saying with air quotes, you know, unflattering to who, into my brain, it was unflattering, but I'm like, I'm gonna, and I would say, look, I'm fat.

If you don't know about sizing, here's the sizing I wear like size 28 30. If you know anything about wounds, clothing, you know, I take up a lot of space, no matter how much a black I wear. And I like a lot of sex, however, I'm very difficult to get into bed. So, just because I say, I like a lot of sex doesn't mean I'm gonna have sex with you.

So knowing all that, if you still wanna go out with me, Knowing, I'm never gonna give your penis any attention for a long time. takes a long time. [00:22:00] Then once it's happening, it's on when it's on, it is on, but it's really difficult to get me in bed. So then you can decide answer or not. If you don't, if you think I'm too fat for you.

Okay, bye. It was so fun. He was so like liberating. Yes. Everybody knew carnival everybody, everybody knew exactly who they were getting. Right. It was like 13 points long cuz you know I'm a overshare and I write long emails and so I wrote a long profile and I'm like, yep, I'm putting it all out there.

Cuz I don't really give a shit. If you're not into me, then don't invite me out. You know, I'm not, I'm probably not into you either. I'm not into judgy people, you know? And I don't wanna, I don't have very much shame. I never have. I don't know why. I'm glad I don't, but I definitely used to have the internalized fatphobia a little bit and.

I've gotten way over it, cuz yeah, I'm just being like all of us were being sold, something I love that. You said like you just were like, I just fucking put it out there and yeah. That's exactly like if I was dating right now, [00:23:00] that's exactly what I'd be doing. I don't have time to waste. So I'm 54 or at the time I was like 40, five's get to this, you know?

Yep. I'm not playing any fucking games. This is me. I don't play games anyway, at least I try really hard not to. I just, I'd rather just be very authentic and practice radical honesty. And sometimes it hurts. Glad I'd rather have the truth, you know, but yeah, I hope she can figure it out.

I'm sure. There's somebody out there for her, for sure. Absolutely. Probably thousands of people. Right? Absolutely. Well, and there's so much, there's so much that has to be looked at internally too. You know, if you're asking that question, I'd really encourage you to go to therapy. And talk about this with your therapist, because this is a pivotal part of you as a person.

And if you're feeling like you have to hide who you are, a catfish, someone into liking you then that tells me that you don't feel good about yourself. . And so I would suggest, you know, the best option for you right now is just to focus on you [00:24:00] and explore liking you, because that's how you start to break down.

A lot of the internalized stuff is really recognizing who you are and what you want out of life. Not I've. I'm gonna just put up my cute face and hear, oh, such a pretty face, you know, it's like, oh, but you don't see my double chin. Oh, bloom. There it is. Blah for those of you who can't see us, we're like job of the hut right now.

I'm like doubles together. Watch us on YouTube. You can see our double art, my triple chin . It's like the person who is gonna wanna spend time with you is gonna love that about you and not, absolutely not have anything to worry about with, oh, you're catfishing me, you know, you're giving yeah.

A raw deal here back in the days when I would read like Cosmo and all those ridiculous magazines, and they would tell you, you know, tips and tricks for loving your fat tummy or whatever. I would read all that [00:25:00] crap. And I read this one thing and I know it sounds so trite now, but it just suggested like, if you don't love your entire body, just focus on a few things that you love.

Right. And. Every time you look at yourself, say I have the cutest lips, or I have really cute toes, whatever stupid thing it is for me, it was just those little things. And I was like, yeah, you know, I'm a, also, I'm a really good person and I'm not a shithead. I try not to be an asshole. And I have really cute toes and cute lips and whatever.

And I mean, it sounds stupid, but it did kind of help me to start focus on the things that I did like yep. And it worked, it was cheesy, but it worked. And I encourage that all the time in treatment with folks. I always say, you know, even if you can't, cuz I've had people say, I can't find anything that I like, okay, then what can you be neutral about what can you say this part of my body I'm okay with, I don't have to like it, but I'm okay with it.

Yeah. You know? And if you, if that's where you need to start, that's okay. you can start [00:26:00] with just being I'm neutral about, you know, the shape of my nose or , I'm neutral about my ear lobes. You know, those, that may seem silly, but as you build upon that and get from neutral to like, kind of appreciate the little smirk that I get on that one side , you know, whatever it may be, you start to then develop those more positive mindset.

You start to see those things in other people, you start to recognize it in yourself. I love it. Yeah. And then it just, I mean, when you go out and you see a fat girl in the wild, aren't you just like, girl, I see you. Yes. I love your, and you're not talking maybe, but you just make eye contact with her and you're just like, yeah, I see you.

You look, I'm like, look how cute all these fat girls are. Why am I ripping on myself all the time? Like, she's the same size as me and I was like, she is flipping beautiful. Yep. So I was like, what? I need to stop this being internal mean girl to myself. Start. I would just, I mean, I've always appreciated all the [00:27:00] fat people that I see when I'm out.

Cuz I feel like, okay, maybe I have an ally here somewhere, you know? Yeah. Especially when you go somewhere, you're like the fattest person in the room, which, you know, happens to me quite often all the time. But I don't mind. I don't mind it any, yeah, I don't care anymore. Yeah. But yeah, I love seeing other fatties out there doing their thing with their cute outfits or whatever their cute hair or whatever, their big booty.

I love to appreciate them. I tried to really make it a conscious effort in doing that and the big guys too. Absolutely. Well, and I love that's the reason I loved your curvy girl fashion shows because yeah. Oh my God. It was just a room full of women who appreciated each other's bodies and yeah, there were small fats and mid fats and large fats and in PHIF fats and I just was like, oh my God, I love this so much.

So fun. There's so much like camaraderie and understanding. Yeah. And I don't know. I think it really just starts to dispel a lot of that. Yeah. The layers and layers of bullshit that have been [00:28:00] sold to us as standardization. Absolutely. Yeah. So one of the things, you know, I was thinking with that email was how do you start to like your body?

How do you start to, you know, we talked a little bit about that, but how do you do that in a sexy way? When I had the boutique? Well, for me personally, I started thinking about all the things my body can do for me can hug. My partner, can hug. My friends can hug my customers. My legs can walk me to get myself some tacos, those little things.

And also I used to have this challenge. I used to call it the curvy girl challenge. The 21 day challenge masturbate for 21 days in a row. Do it like, put it on your calendar and you start to fall in love with all the things your body can do. And guess what? Our bodies can do everything a thin person can do.

And when you have a lot of orgasms gets those endorphins going and you kind of start to fall in love with yourself, like what your body can do for you, like give you a climax potentially. Or even if you don't have a climax, it just feels [00:29:00] really good, you know, and just takes some time out for yourself and masturbate 21 days in a row, turn that into a new habit.

They say it takes 21 days to create a new habit. And when you can, you start to, you know, kind of settle down and think deeply about these things your bodies can do. It does give you a lot of appreciation for your own body. Yeah. And it starts you to get you to know your body and what you like. , you know, and that's something where we have decades of shame, right.

As a culture we have created a social norm of women not supposed to know, see, or look at, or. I mean, I can't even think of all the things you're not supposed to do anything as a woman. Right. And we're going back into the stone with all of that, but that's where we start, right. Is like these feelings of like, oh, it's pure for a woman to touch herself.

It's it's shame for you. You whore, right? You're a whore. [00:30:00] You're loose. You're a slut, you know, all these terms are just kind of mashed together with this just feeling of like sickness. And when you start to strip that away and actually look at it, it's for control. Oh yes, completely. Yeah. I was gonna say a lot of people, as we know, are very afraid of women in women's bodies.

Clearly we can see that by this Roe V Wade bullshit. They wanna control our bodies. They still do. And yeah, you're right. It's donate shit. It's handmade and shit and all that other stuff, but it's happening. Right. And they wanna control our bodies. And yeah, you're a big whore. If you're masturbating or if you enjoy sex or you enjoy a lot of partners, you're a big slut.

You never hear this shit about men. You know, they get to do whatever the hell they wanna do. Right. And nobody judges them, but we're always judge and we're taught to be polite and be kind and be small and be quiet. Don't take up too much space, you know, just Ugh. Like I, I hate it all. [00:31:00] And it does create a lot of shame around sex.

Yeah, of course. So there's shame about our bodies. There's shame about sex, shame about our sex organs, shame about its all-natural shame about how much we move. Shame about, you know, it just. That's I think the most liberating thing has been to really reduce the amount of shame in your life.

Like if you have the power to start reducing the amount of shame in your life, you have so much more control over you do how you feel out in the community, how you feel with your partner, how you feel at your job, all those kind of things, because you start to feel more empowered. You know, if we're talking about shame being internalized, you have the power then to change that you, you true one that has the ability to think differently to challenge it to, to enact change.

But it means, you know, really looking inward and having to address the fact that this is something I don't [00:32:00] like. And I won't accept. What did my therapist used to say all the time? It's an inside job. It's an inside job. It's a, ah, yes, damn it. Huh, personal growth. It's an inside job. whatever, whatever. Oh yeah.

I'm paying you. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Let me take this advice now. Right? It's so crazy too. How when we were talking about shame, you know, for this episode and stuff, I was thinking about the fat shamey that people that we all receive. But do you remember in 2018, when that very intense woman who used to be on Fox News, said she liked to be fat shamed, cuz that's how she stayed.

Thin. Megan Kelly, I think was her name. I know, I think first of all, Fox news had definitely made her brain mushy but she wanted people to tell her how fat she looks. So she would stay out, restricting it on her diet or whatever. Right. Welcome to 2018 or 2019. Like Megan, it's not 1550 anymore.

You [00:33:00] know, we're not doing that anymore. We're not encouraging it for sure. Right. She's encouraging it. And she has a national platform. Yeah. Good job. That's what women young women need to hear. Right. Well, and that just goes to show, like, I mean, the Fox News, just in general, but you're talking about utilizing it to control your thoughts.

That's literally what she said. I use this to control my thoughts. I use the shame to control how I feel internally, which tells me as a therapist, you have so little self-control that you are so reliant on. What other people think about you that you're willing to jeopardize your mental health to keep yourself in line for other?

It blew my mind when she was came up with that. Yeah. That's just so sickening and so sad. I mean, so sad. I think about how much of my life I spent on. Diet shame and fat shame. And just all of that. Thankfully, [00:34:00] I really got over the sex shame, Heller, like good. And I think that's, and I know actually I would, I know that's because I, that was the first place I jumped in education wise was about sex.

 Learning about sex, learning about bodies, learning about all of that. And that really started to just peel away layers of shame. Yeah. But the fatphobia and the diet stuff, man, that's so entrenched. It's so difficult. Daily. The messaging that we get daily is don't be fat. Don't eat that. Don't enjoy that.

Touch that don't look at that right. All these don't. And you're just like, ah, guilts and shame, guilt and shame. Just like dancing around in your head. It's either the action Uhhuh or this internalized thing. And it's just like bouncing around and I think it stems into so many other issues. When I think, you know, oh, big time.

I don't wanna get into like a long, you know, go way, way back and, you know, start piecing this apart. But I think [00:35:00] it really does when you start to examine how much shame impacts your life and your choices. You start to recognize how little of control that you think that you thought you had over those situations.

Yeah, I always am so blown away when people are so afraid and so ashamed of their sexuality, their their, like sometimes some people have more desire than others. Some people are, will just say it. Some people are hornier than. And people are ashamed about it. And then they're also ashamed by the act itself.

And then they're ashamed of their sexual organs, but we all got here exactly the same way our parents had sex. I know nobody thinks about that, but like, it couldn't be any more natural to masturbate and to have sex with another human and or yourself. And, but people are ashamed of it. It's like, are you ashamed that your eyes are brown?

Like it's, are you [00:36:00] ashamed that you drink water? You know, I mean, where I don't want, where does that come from in people? I just, I don't know how I got to be this way where I'm not ashamed of sex or my own sexuality. I'm grateful for my parents or my community to help me raise me that way. But I see it in all, so many of my friends and my customers and , I'm like, why, where did that come from?

It's too much. I mean, if you watch TV in the media, everything is so sexualized. So then why are we ashamed of it? Right. Well, I think that's where the guilt comes into play too, where, yeah , you know, you're ashamed because you're told this is not something you know, you should be thinking about or doing or whatever.

Right. And then the guilt of doing whatever it is, then it's like, oh, you're such a terrible person because you actually followed through and did whatever it was. So now not only do you feel shame, but I'm gonna make you feel guilty about that shame. [00:37:00] Look, I have no shame when it comes to my sexuality. And as far as you, as long as you leave kids, animals and your family out of it, get down with your bad self, do it, have fun.

Try it all. There's no shame to be had. There's nothing to be ashamed of. As long as you leave kids animals and your family out of it, otherwise have at it. Right. Just go for it. Yeah. Why not try it all once or twice? Well, yeah. And examine it if you don't, if you're automatic thought is, well, I can't then why can't you and start addressing the why start looking deeper than just, well, I can't do that.

I love it when people come up to me and they, oh, Merf, you're so confident. I just, oh, I can't do that. And I like, no, that's a shame, honey. You can do that. You really can. Yeah. Everybody can. How do you sit there and just like, okay, now we're gonna talk about all the ways in which you have to address this and look at yourself and now deal with [00:38:00] it's hard work?

So it's so much easier to just be like, yeah, I'm gonna lean into the guilt and shame and just berate myself for it. Self-flagellation. Yeah. Yeah. I get so tired of that question. I mean, I honestly, I know most people have them, they mean, well, when they ask me that where'd you get your confidence, but it's nobody asks, you know, what is Gabriel to day?

She said nobody asked Holly Barry where she got her confidence. Yep. Cause she got sick of that question. You know, the fuck Gare day. Hello. That woman should she has, she should have all the confidence in the world. She's beautiful. She's talented. She's charming. She's funny. And she's amazing, but people wanna know why she's so confident because of her fatness.

, that's fucking disgusting to ask somebody that, but I know you get asked that a lot. I get asked that a lot. And I know most people just want a piece of it. They wanna figure it out. But yeah, it's really kind of rude. It's really a backhanded compliment. It's like saying, [00:39:00] oh, you're you have such a pretty face.

Right. Well, fuck you. Right. I'm pretty everywhere. Okay. So confident when society has told you that you are supposed to be ashamed, that you're even alive because you're so fat oh, because society told me I'm supposed to be ashamed. There's your first right there. I don't owe anything to society.

Nothing pisses people off more than a fat, happy person that has stopped dieting. Yep. People that are still dieting. Now I'm talking about friends and family of mine. I can tell it really pisses them off. oh, they hate it. They get so mad or the people and if you're successful oh, Or the people that like work out religiously to the point where it's like, that's all they do with their lives and I get it, whatever, that's your life live your life.

That's fine. Do it. But don't expect me to do that too. And cuz I'm not coming around you and saying, Hey, why don't you just chill out? And we don't have to do shit when you do, you know, [00:40:00] whatever. I'm not doing that. So, you know, I just don't get it. I don't understand how people like I'm trying to live society's norms.

I'm trying to be healthy and I'm trying to be fit and I'm trying to be perfect. And it's like, cool. Enjoy how that works out for you. Yeah. Have fun. Enjoy yourselves. Yeah. It's crazy. You know, there's a lot of superiority feelings that they seem to have. I've noticed that they think they're somehow better than all of us, but yeah, it's really makes people angry cuz you know, we are disrupting society.

We're disrupting the norm. . we're the shit disturbers and they don't, they get very confused because it's easier to conform. It's easier to some people I apparently like to diet because it gives them a sense of control. I don't know a lot about eating disorders and things like that, but I definitely know a lot of people that restrict a lot and I don't know what their deal is, but I guess it helps them feel like they're in control of some part of their life and maybe all the rest [00:41:00] of their life is outta control.

But when they're dieting or there's restricted, it makes them feel like some sense of control. Apparently, I don't get it, but, and exercise thing too, right. It gives them a feeling of control and it pisses them off really bad when we're fat and we go out to eat and we're just enjoying our lives and ING our donuts.

Like I'm not trying to glorify obesity, but if I can, I mean, sure. But it's not like I'm dragging people to have a donut, you know? Right. Just. Living my life and happiness, literally just eating Fe Cheney, leave me alone. Yes. Like that's all I'm doing. We're at the same olive garden bitch. Look at it. We're eating the same dish.

I'm just fatter than you are. Why is it a problem? Don't get it. So I, yeah. And to speak on that, what you were saying about that about eating disorders and the need for control. I self-disclosure here. Right? So, I had anorexia when I was 10 years old and then I relapsed when [00:42:00] I was 16 and it was really about the control.

that's what it was about. Like, I feel like I can control this. I can maintain this society's expectations of me. And I do that by restricting. I'm not gonna eat anything. I'm gonna imagine that I'm eating stuff to make myself feel full and drink a ton of water. And wow. And I've I really have permanent damage because of it because I did it during puberty and I messed up a whole I changed my height, my puberty, my growth, my breasts aren't as big as they were supposed to be.

They told me that. They told me that I messed up my endocrine system. Like there were a lot of problems that arose 10 is young. Yeah. And it was all anxiety that I had really just kind of, it had morphed into an eating disorder and it all became about control. And so when I go back and I think about like all those things that led up to that and what I was listening to and believing and all of that, and it's really hard to.

[00:43:00] Hear people say things as you know, just go on a diet or, oh my God, you look so great because you've lost weight. And it's like, you have no idea what that person has done or is going through. And the number of congratulations that come from an eating disorder and you're achieving social norms.

Yay.

cause it's just, it's ridiculous. It's literally like, we don't care about your health. You're just skinny and we love it. Yay. You're following our social norms. And once you start to really ship that away and realize how much shame is behind that it really highlights a whole different part of your life.

It's like your second life begins almost. That's great. Yeah. I know that also people don't realize that you can be fat and anorexic. Yeah. Because being anorexic really means you're malnourished, right? Yep. So you can still be fat and malnourished and still be anorexic [00:44:00] and fat, but most people don't know that.

And that's why first of all, if I ever see anybody who's lost weight, I, the first thing I think is, oh shit, do they have cancer or something? That's where my brain goes. But I know a lot of people love to be complimented when they've lost, the same 40 pounds for the 10th time. I don't see the value in that personally.

I don't ever compliment people. I don't say anything about people's bodies ever, but the anorexia and all those eating disorders and disordered eating, right. , he's right in there with that. And I know those are usually as a family structure kind of problem. And there's, it's complicated. It's almost like dealing with an addiction, I think.

Right? Like if you're addicted to a drug, well, you kind of are, yeah, the control becomes its own. Its own thing. Its own beast. You kicked its ass. I did it, but it was, you know, a lot of learning about, well, I've kind of messed up my body and not like, you know, the outside of it, but the inside of it.

And I really [00:45:00] wasn't in a good space and yeah, I got through it, once now that I'm on the other side of all of that and I can really look at shame in a different light, it comes into play so much more than what we even think about. We're just talking about surface-level shame, you know?

Yeah. Once you really get into the thick of it and this the I wanna say like the rabbit holes of it, you know, as you can really get into some deep stuff for sure. Yeah. Because it's all about how you perceive yourself in the world. And not fitting into that world or not feeling like, you know, you're doing what is expected of you.

This is a random question, but sometimes I wonder, do people just not know about, like, let's say endocrine issues, P C O S type one diabetes or type even type two diabetes. Like, I'm just thinking of all the reasons why people's weight would fluctuate. And I think when people are out and about, and they say a comment about your body, I think I could have 20 different diseases, which what's [00:46:00] is what's making me fat.

Do people not know those exist? Cause like, would you ever say to someone, oh my God, you look terrible. You look how's that cancer going. Like, I could have one of those 20 or 25 things wrong with me. That's why I'm fat, but you're still going to say something. Shitty to me, like, right. Do people not know?

Like, are they just fucking mean, no, they don't know because we've created this societal standard of lazy sloth slot. Yeah. Just all the things. And so, that's now the societal standard. And so it, we challenge that by saying did you know that could be because of blah, blah, blah. Oh, well, that's just like a one in a hundred and excuse 5 million chance that's why it's like I saw this comedian and I just use this on a gun nut.

Some guy was commenting on my friend's page and he was like, did you know that more people are killed by hammers every year than guns? And some comedian [00:47:00] just recently at the NRA convention was interviewing this guy and the guy said that to him. So this must be something that the NRA is pushing.

And so. He the guy go the comedian who's interviewing him goes that doesn't sound accurate. The guy's all really look it up, Google it. So he's like, okay. So he just fucking Googles it right in front of the guy. and hammer was 323 people die every year from a blunt force object like a hammer firearm was the very first one.

And so like, and then it was knives and then it was your hands and your fists and then it was hammered and then it was hammered. Yeah. So it was almost the lowest on the totem pole. And the guy was like, well, I shovel over in a second at moment. And it was like okay. Yeah, we got it.

But the same kind of thing right. Where it's just like, somebody throws out that stat and it's just like, that's it, that's the stat. Believe it. It's the next bumper sticker, you know, it's coming. Yeah. And they do it all the time when it comes to [00:48:00] weight. I know. Yeah. Yeah. Big time. They just assume that theirs were just indulging and just.

I don't. If people know more about P C O S they'll understand people with P C O S can gain 50 pounds a hundred pounds in a month and not because they're eating anything good. Yep. It's just their system, their Indi, and it's just the hormones. And then it's also, people have insulin resistance, which often comes with P C O S.

Yep. They can't lose like a normal person. You can lose a pound a week or whatever people with insulin resistance and P C O S can't. So maybe just shut the fuck up and stop commenting on people's weight and their bodies. Cuz you have no idea what's going on with them zero. Yep. You have no clue what's going on in somebody else's life or the things you cannot tell someone moment that you're interacting with him.

You don't know if someone's healthy or not. You think you can look at a body and know its health. Okay, fit mom. Right? Can't do it. I, all you can tell is how fucking fat phobic you are. Exactly. I had a friend[00:49:00] I still have her as a friend. She's like the ideal Western standard of beauty.

Five, nine, a hundred and twenty pounds maybe. Fake boobs, like just gorgeous blonde hair, blue lies, just super white. You know, everything about her, just duh. She went to so many different doctors and kept saying, I don't, I feel like something here in my neck is just not right. Like it, it kind of bothers me.

It feels like there's a lump. No. You go running honey. You're great. Look at you. You're so thin. Everything's so wonderful. Three years. She did that. Finally, she said to the last doctor, can you just like ultrasound and just see like, do I have like a nodule or something? Fucking cancer. Full-blown thyroid cancer.

And they wouldn't even look at her because their idealized idea of health was what she looked like on the outside. And she was in stage three and she was only 26 years old. Oh my God. It's like the reverse yep. [00:50:00] Of fat medical fat phobia. Yep. Wow. Unbelievable shit. Damn. And it was, cause I know a lot of fat people die because of medical fatphobia yeah.

Beanie thin people do too well. And I think that that goes to show that whole concept of like you are living this societal idea of healthy, right? Beautiful, healthy, skinny that you know, you go for runs, you do da. It does not matter. You have no idea what is going on in somebody else's body. They could have fucking cancer growing.

God damn. Oh, amazing. Talk about. Bullshit. Oh, man. She's okay now though. Yeah. She's okay. She's she had to have her thyroid completely removed and go through oh shit. That fucks everything up, right? Yeah. Oh yeah. She, geez. You know, your whole immune system shot when you have to go through all that stuff.

She's better now. Yeah. But yeah, it was just, okay. She hadn't forced it. She would've died. She would've had stage five. I mean, I mean, we say this all the time. You have to be your own [00:51:00] advocate when you go to the doctor. Yeah. And you have to, unfortunately, when you're fat and also thin you really have to just Don don't let it go.

Yep. You know, you know, what's right with you. What's wrong with you. You, if you feel odd or different or something feels strange, push it. I know I have Kaiser. I have to really stay with them. Let's try this. Let's try that. Let's try this. Otherwise, they'll just be like, oh well, but I have to, if I push it, then they will give it to me.

Yep. But you really have to be, you have to. Fortunately, I have found my voice. I'm comfortable using it. I know not everybody is. And in those cases, I do suggest if you aren't, you haven't found your voice and you're fat and you're going to the doctor bring a friend they're way less fucking mean. If you have someone with them, with you to witness it, I promise you.

Yep. That's exactly it. Sad. You have to, I'm glad your friend is okay. Yeah, me too. Thank you. And it was a big eye-opening moment for me too, because I had that feeling too, of like, [00:52:00] well, you know, you're so cute and you just run, be wrong with you. Yeah. And you know, but I was like, yeah, you should get it looked at, but I haven't invested the same way, you know, because I was believing this hype of well yeah, she's everything.

What, you know, she's textbook. Sure ideal. And so it was like, Nah, nothing ever happens to those people. Like what? Right, right. Yeah. But that's where you have to really start to dig in and start to recognize, you know, this whole thing that we've been sold of conform is detrimental to you, your mental health, your health, all of it, absolutely sexual health.

 Challenge it. Yep. Challenge your thoughts. Just challenge it all. That's what I learned in high school anything that you think seems like it is a common knowledge question yeah. Is not always actually true and question everything. And I try, you know, I get lazy, but sometimes I try to question everything.

Why do I believe that? Why do I think that, where did that [00:53:00] come from? You know, I'm like, how did I start to have this belief? And it's yeah. A lot of internalized internal work, but you can undo a lot by. By looking at it. And then once you realize it, it is just capitalism in Western media. Excuse me, Western beauty.

Ideal. It's not that beautiful. I mean, of course, it is, but it's like 1% of the things out there that are beautiful. Right. There are so many. Yeah. Anyway, that was a great talk. Great. Yeah. Good stuff. MERF I love it. People. I think it's important. I hope it resonates with people. Yeah, I do too. It's so nice.

How we've been getting a lot of feedback recently, huh? Yes. Can we share that review that we got? Yeah. Do you have it or do you want me to find it? I can bring it up. Cuz we got just the best review on. I know we've gotten some good ones recently. Yeah. It's I know we say this a lot and if you're new to listening to us, we both, we do this because we just wanna help one person.

Maybe we'll [00:54:00] be that like voice for that one fat person that needed to hear us and like that's enough for us. It would be nice if the show paid for itself too, where we made money one day from it. That would be lovely. That'd be great. But like never in my goal for doing this. I just, yeah. I wanna be like, for me, when I was little, I found that B BW magazine at lane Bryant and it changed my life.

Like, I wanna be like that B BW magazine for somebody else and be like, oh shit, I can be promiscuous if I want, even though I'm fat, you know, like, hell yeah, you can do whatever you want. And that's all we want. And so when we get feedback, it's so nice. It's like, oh, we're doing what we wanted to do.

When we got this review, I literally, I almost started crying cuz I was just like, that's what we need. I was very tea. I was clumped. I was like, oh, I'm gonna cry. Right. Cause yeah. Okay. So this is from Celeste on June 2nd, she wrote and we don't know Celeste. None of us either, no one on the show knows Celeste.

She gave us a five-star review and she says how to live, laugh and [00:55:00] love big and sexy. Caught this on Facebook in OMG, I got more info about me as a plus-size woman about porn in different ways. We're making the world a better place. More inclusive. You will learn a lot here and laugh. Take notes.

They've got awesome. Pointers love seeing big, sexy women in a podcast. And in the world of sex, we are fat people who have sex and we are sexy. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Like, oh, man. When I read that, I was like, fuck. Yeah, that's what I, right. Like a fist in the air, like woo. Like, yep. Yeah. Just, yes. Yeah. That fuels me, man.

If we can and sorry, I shouldn't say man, but if, you know, if that's something that we can make happen for other people or just, you know, turn the light bulb on. And that's really what I wanted from the shame discussion was just turn the light bulb on folks, like start critically looking at yourselves and where you got those [00:56:00] concepts and those ideas and what does it serve you?

And so, yeah, that was awesome. Getting that kind of feedback. Yeah. Thank you, Celeste. Wherever you are, whoever you are, you made us cry. You were very thoughtful. Thank you. And also it helps us. It helps our podcast to be seen by more people when people write us reviews, hint, hint, nudge, nudge wink, giggle, giggle.

Yeah. They're so lovely too. And then, you know, that's, we're happy that we have a new friend in Celeste, so yeah. Thank you, Celeste. That was amazing. That was awesome. Welcome to our community, Celeste. Yes. Lots of rad fatties here. Speaking of rad fatties, we have a new TikTok. Yes. So our lovely Katie created a new TikTok for us.

Two rad fatties. So the number two rad R ad fatties. And yes. Thank you, Merf for the idea, and thank you to Katie for making it happen. She just started tick talking what's the verb. Is it talking tick talking? Yeah, tick talking yesterday. And she got us going and [00:57:00] created a second page for us. So now we can be found cuz before we couldn't be found.

So we're gonna have Katie help us out with the To cuz she's young and fat and adorable and funny, and I'm so excited to be working with her and yeah, I'm sure she's gonna, she's going to help us off to get rid of some of this bullshit shame. Yeah. I, she was so cute in the discussion of the show and oh, I was just like, this is gonna be so much fun.

She's just, yeah, she's got that inviting smile and yeah, she does. Yes. She's so cute. So that's the number two rad fatties. On take back, right? Yep. Are you looking to spice things up in the bedroom with your partner partners or yourself after all? Everybody wants better sex bliss, connection.com is your one-stop shop to check out amazing products, go find sex toys, body and wellness products, candles, CBD products, books, kink supplies, and so much more [00:58:00] blissconnection.com is the best place for all.

You sexy people to find sexy toys. Check it out after this big sexy check and use code BSC 20 to score a 20% discount. So you can take some off before you get off. So do we get to do the vibe of the week? Let's do the vibe of the week. Let's wrap it up with the vibe of the week. We got it. You can't skip the vibe of the week, right?

And unfortunately, I can't, I don't have this particular vibrator on my website, BLIS connection.com, but. They sell it directly to consumers so you can buy it directly from them. Is that right? Mer? Yes. Cool. I found it cool that they so I think they're like an overseas company. I don't know but it was difficult to find them online.

Cuz I found this at my local sex shop. So that's my thing. If you're not gonna buy it from Chrystal, cause that's the number one. If you're not buy it from BLIS connection.com. Support your local sex shop because absolutely they need the money, help them [00:59:00] out, help them get more product in. So there's been a sex shop in town here for a really long time.

It used to be a video rental place, kiddos. That means it was like Netflix, but you had to go and actually get the desk and take it home. No, the desk. Can you talk about the video tape and the video tape? Yeah. it was a video tape so I went into this old video store that was just now a sex shop because they made the most money off of renting porn.

Smart. Right. And became a full-fledged sex job. Love them. Awesome. And I said I'm looking for a new vibrator. I have a Shari wand. I like it, but I need something more powerful and she goes, oh, I know exactly. I know exactly what you want. And I was like, okay, so, and I'm a Cono of, I know you are, I know you are sex.

You're a sex choice knob like me. Yes. I'm definite I'm a snob. So I was like okay. You know, like, sure. Uhhuh. So [01:00:00] shakes me over to the little area. And it's just like, kind of hidden in the corner and she's like, try this and she hands me this vibrator. And if you're watching this, you'll see what it looks like.

Oh, like the angle. Yeah. Yes. So it's got like a little kind of like L lowercase L shape. Right. So, She's like, I don't know what it is, but this Palm power extreme. What's the name of the brand? Just has a really deep rumble. I love rumble. Oh, okay. So then she turns it on. I'm gonna turn it on.

That's the low setting. Wow. It has three sets of rumbles before it gets into actual there's the second there's the third. It's not touching the mic. It's pretty far away from the microphone. Yeah. Yeah. So it has seven different rotations that it can go through. Nice. And I just I'll like start low, go [01:01:00] medium thirds when I'm coming.

Amazing. Give yourself some foreplay. MERF oh man. I can come with this thing in like 30 seconds. Like it bet. Yeah, because it's just that deep rumble. When you get the rumble, you get that sensation, like all the way inside of your body. , it's like, to me, it feels like the orgasm is starting somewhere inside and then moving out.

Yes. As opposed to where the other toys feel like it starts at my cl and moves in that one, those rumbles, oh, I love the rumble toys and I noticed it's cordless too. It is it's cordless. And that's the re it's very similar to like the strength of the Hitachi. So it has that, like, it feels like it's got base behind it.

 But it's lighter and it doesn't have a cord, so you can detach it. It's a USB rechargeable cord. It's water-resistant. Its manufacture sells like is like a hundred bucks. So, you know, it has a little attachment so that you can stick it on the top of the wand head like a G spot it's. [01:02:00] Silicone hospital-grade Silicon.

Okay. So, you know, it's very nice quality, durable and durable. Yeah. It's durable. It's, you know, easy to clean all that fun stuff. But I guess that they were really popular as the power bullet. And so then the bullet became the wand. So I'm hearing a lot of people when I started looking it up to kinda get more information of, you know, to give out on the podcast.

People were talking about the bullet and how the bullet was so good. So I haven't tried the bullet, but I love this because I have little arms it's got that angle that we were talking about. I was gonna say that. Yeah. And it's really lightweight. It's also got the silicone on the back, so you can grip it a little bit easier to hang out too.

Which is really nice, but yeah, that's, that is my absolute favorite toy. That is my go-to toy. I really encourage you that if you like I always think of that song from the eighties of, we like the boys that go like, you know what it is? Yeah. With the face, [01:03:00] you know, like, yes that's. Yeah.

It's got some boosts. Yeah. I like bass on my sex toys. And also it looks small enough to be able to use with a partner too. Absolutely. So you can probably cite between the two of you really great. Or your partner could hold onto doggy style. Yeah. A lot of times. And for those of you who are new to listening to us a lot of times, fat women, or let's say fat clitoris owners we often have shorter arms sometimes.

And then sometimes for like, for me, I have a large, lower tummy, so we have to have some length. It makes it easier to reach our clitoris as opposed to, you know, when you have like a little bullet, that's just like that long that little, you can't really, it's hard to navigate. So I love that. That has that nice reach to it.

Yeah. And I love it. The head kind of moves around a little bit, like it's cool. You know, so. if you, and that's what I've found is I have the same thing. I have little T-Rex arms and I got a big belly. And so when I'm trying to like, yeah, get it like in between my legs and get exactly where I want it.

, it's nice that's okay. This is like [01:04:00] probably eight inches, you know, and yeah. Of the actual, like, length for holding onto love it, but it's it just like, it's perfect for getting that curved around the big part of my belly to get, to reach my cl. So that's my thing. That's what I encourage, yeah, exactly. I encourage you to if you are one of the people that like the cars that go, boom this is the one that sounds like I need to get one.

Yeah. It's stat and I do like your idea too. I love, first of all, I love supporting all independent business owners and I love going to, I like to shop small every time I can. And go. Good Lord. We all know, after the. fear of being closed down. People likely local sex toy stores could really use your support.

And a lot of them are closing, sadly. And if you can support yours, the coolest thing about sex toy stores is that the people that work there, know they're shit. They're great. Educators. You don't ever have to be ashamed. Shame, [01:05:00] again, comes up people. Some people won't go to a sex story store.

Yeah. Because they're ashamed. Like they work at a sex toy store. Why are you ashamed that, like, you're not going to the convent to buy a sex toy store. You're going to an actual sex toy store. They know about people putting stuff in their butt. They're cool with it, you know, don't worry. So they make good money selling that stuff.

Hell to the yes they do. yeah. But keep them alive and keep them thriving because they're all you have are sex educators when you're an adult. Yep. And they know their shit. And this lady, she's my fairy godmother, who, the one who pointed to this one I literally like went back in the after I had used it.

And I was like, you recommended a sex story to me. And I just wanna tell you that it changed my life and I adore you now forever. And like, you need anything, I will give you my kidney or child, whatever, you know, I was just like, I dunno, but just like, luckily I've known her for a very long time, her and her family.

So she was just like, yeah. Oh no problem, girl. You know, but I was just like, you don't understand, you don't understand. [01:06:00] Yeah. I've had people tell me that before, too. They're like, oh, I love you so much. I'm like, I love you too. Do you ever run into her in the wild? Sometimes that's always awkward when I run into people.

They're like, she knows I bought a but plug. Right. I promise I don't remember. There's no way in hell. , you know? Right. But girl, how's that, but plug, do you like it? Is it working for you? Yeah, I encourage everyone to address your shame. Yeah. Get yourself a good sex toy. One that you really enjoy. Give yourself some self-care.

 Encourage other people to look a little bit more critically at themselves too. And I believe more masturbation can help bring everybody's rage down a few notches. So everybody take the curvy girl challenge, go and masturbate for 21 days in a row. We'll see if we can bring some more peace to this world, cuz Lord knows it's a shit show right now.

So take care of yourself. Yes, that's right. Take care of yourself. You're the most important thing you own, right? Thanks, everybody. Thank you, Mer. Thanks for being [01:07:00] a part of our community. Of course, we always love it. When you like subscribe and review like Celeste and Sydney and all the other lovely people that have left us reviews.

Yay. I will see you later alligator. Well, after a while crocodile. So where do you find your favorite fatties? We'll check out big sexy chat.com. You can find our podcast on any major streaming service. Just remember to like subscribe and review. You can find us at big, sexy chat on Facebook and Insta and at big sexy chat pod on Twitter, you can find me Merf at Merfphy girl review on Twitter and at Merfphy girl adventures on Instagram, Chrystal, tell 'em where they can find you.

Sure they can find me on Twitter at bliss connection, and they can find me on Facebook as KBY girl eat. Download us every other Sunday and listen, whenever you want.