Soul-mate; Not Sole Mate. Polyamory 101: Sydney #Fat_Troublemaker

Hi, welcome to big sexy. chat I'm Chrystal I'm Merf we're just two Rad fatties sitting around chewing in the fat twice a month. We'll be chatting all about current events, hot topics, sex, sex toys, relationships, fat politics, cannabis, CBD, you name it. We're gonna talk about. We're really excited to have you part of our community. Welcome and enjoy. 

Hey, welcome back to big, sexy chat. My name's Chrystal I'm Merf. Hey Merf. Hi, Chrystal. We're so happy to have all of you here with our community. Merf and I just love doing this. We have so much fun and we're so excited. This, this recording, we have a very special guest. Her name is Sydney, and if you've ever been to a Curvy girl fashion show, when I had my boutique, you might recognize her.

She dressed up as a very beautiful, lovely, very innocent bride at our fashion show. And, um, yeah, she had even like a, a boot little bouquet with her. She was carrying down the aisle one of the most, uh, very, uh, memorable moments from the fashion show. So welcome Sydney. Well, thank you. My pleasure. I'm so glad to be here.

Modeling a, uh, curvy for curvy girl was a big, big, fun, huge, huge, fun for me. If I had a billion dollars, I'd open another curvy girl. I just don't have, it was great to be around so many big girls. I know it's very powerful being around a lot of other fat people. It's really powerful. It is absolutely. If I had a million dollars, I'd open it up for you.

Yeah. If I had a bill, I need a billion though, not a million billion . So tonight we're gonna talk about polyamory and Sydney is she's somewhat of a, uh, expert at least, you know, she's practicing and we have a million questions for her. So I'm gonna turn over to Mer. She can start over the questions and if I have any follow up questions, I'll let you guys know.

Awesome. I, I think we'll you just start out by saying that Sydney, we're gonna need you back for a round two on polyamory. I kind of figured that yeah, we received so many questions.  I, I have no doubt. Um, I'll try and cover as much as I can. Um, and I'm by no means an expert in polyamory in general. Um, I'm more, um, I know what I know from experience from research and from community mm-hmm  um, I have been.

Um, a polyamorous relationship, um, for solidly for the last five years. Um, but I have identified as polyamorous for about 10. Awesome. And I will get into more details about that, cuz that, I mean, I hate to say identify and all that, cuz it feels like it's taking away from the LGBTQ alphabet soup, um, community.

And that community is so important and the people who come out and show themselves, um, That's you don't wanna take away from that, but there is a certain measure of coming out, involved with being in, involved in polyamory. Absolutely. So speaking of polyamory, you know, we, we have a varied audience, so I wanna kind of scale back and say, can you tell us a little bit about polyamory and how it's different from monogamy?

Yes. So this one's pretty easy. Um, polyamory is a relationship style or type that falls under the heading of what's widely known as ethical non-monogamy or ENM. Um, I will get into later why I have troubles with that particular. But anyway, um, ENM is an umbrella type, uh, phrase that encompasses a variety of different relationship styles that are non monogamous.

Um, but specifically polyamory comes from two words, poly meaning multiple Amory from the word a more meaning love. So it's multiple loves. Um, so the, how it differs from cheating is which is always the question people wanna know, like, how is this not cheating? Mm-hmm , um, two really important things. One consent, enthusiastic consent from all parties.

Okay. And the second one is a lack of deceit. When you have to employ deceit in order to engage with another human that's cheating. Nobody likes that even in ENM I'm just saying , can I interject here? Because people sometimes ask me, oh, my husband, this and that, you know, is this cheating? I said, look, everybody's definition of cheating is different.

So I can't tell you whether or not that's considered cheating because I don't know what kind of rules or guidelines you have for your relationship. Now, if there was lying involved to me, that seems like whatever it is, it was probably cheating. Mm-hmm  but don't you agree? Mer, if it's everybody has their own definition, what's cheating.

Yeah. Everyone does have their own definition of what, what cheating is. I mean, I've heard things like, um, looking at other people's profiles on the internet is considered cheating for some folks where, you know, another one is on the other end of that. Spectrum is a, a relationship where I don't talk about the other things that we're doing and that's not, you know, that's not cheating, but very bill Clinton.

Yes. Yeah. Tell, but at the core of all of that, Everything you've described is it is the deceit. That's why I say cheating is about deceit, right? Yep. Whether you are being deceitful about engaging with someone on the internet or, um, looking at, uh, pictures of other people, if it, you have to keep it a secret or you have to lie about it, you cheat it, whatever it is, whatever form it comes in.

Um, and that's the very big difference between ENM, um, relationships and cheating. That's why the ethical part is added to the ethical non-monogamy because it's non-monogamous, but everybody's in on it monogamish. That's a type, that's a style as well. We could get into that as well.  now for me, um, like I said, it's E M is.

An umbrella there's, uh, polyamory there's swinging. Those are the two most common. Um, there are, uh, and swinging is more to be dis distinguished from polyamory in that swinging is very sex based. Um, and by the way, no judgment. Nope. In any of this, Nope. Everything I'm saying no judgment. If you are into swinging swing on mm-hmm   if you are into polyamory grand.

Um, but there's no, um, but swinging is definitely more six focused as opposed to polyamory, which is very much about relationships and the cultivation of those relationships on a romantic scale. So there there's those there's that big distinction. Um, for me, uh, I have a very unique. Dynamic. Mm-hmm  , um, I've been married for 15 years, um, and I to a man now to a man, um, and he, at this time chooses to remain monogamous.

He recognizes that I am polyamorous. I have a female, I have a wife, um, who is my bestie. Like, we are more than just friends, but we do not have sex ever. So it's but she is still, our relationship is deeper than your, I would hate to say average, but to deeper than friend. We even had a ceremony. Oh. Um, in Vegas, ah, uh, to commemorate our, our  our union.

It was so much fun. Holy cow. Um,  how long have you two been together? Sydney. You and your wife? Uh, she and I have been together years. Cool. Six? Yeah. Yeah. She is just awesome.  she is the best. Um, and then I have, uh, two other, um, partners. They are both male. Um, we, and oh, by the way, my husband, he and I are ne we nest.

We are nesting partners. We also co-parent. Mm-hmm  I do not live with my wife. She has, she lives with her boyfriend mm-hmm  um, so he is my metamore, which is the relationship of my relationship. So she, he is the mm-hmm , uh, He's an extension. He is not. Yeah, we are not engaged with one another. Mm-hmm  I mean, we're friends, he's a great guy, but we don't have a relationship.

His relationship is with her. Um, so it is very separate. Um, but I do also have two other, um, male partners, um, also who do not live with me, we do not nest. Right. And those relationships are sexual. I was gonna say, I was just gonna ask you that question. I don't wanna be rude. Mm-hmm  they are sexual . Okay.

But they are more than that. They're not just rooted in that they are actual relationships that require all the same things. Sure. That any other, even a monogamous relationship, um, would require the trick I found. And this is kind of a joke amongst the, uh, ENM community. It's. It's really all about Google calendar folks.

that's how you keep relationships on track.   sure I can only imagine communication is vital. That's how you achieve that. All important enthusiastic consent is because all parties have talked, um, um, not necessarily all together, one another, um, would that's that's certainly a  style of, um, of polyamory known as kitchen table.

Um, but that's not how I operate. Um, because I have a child or my relationship tends to be a little more hierar hierarchical. Um, and that's for the safety, welfare security of my child. Um, not that my relationships are unsafe, but I put that as the priority for my child in maintaining and considering my husband.

Um, the father of my child, um, is a part of that. Um, but he's extremely open, loving, tolerant, considerate. I could go on the man's a Saint . So, so you mentioned ENM. Yeah. So ethical non-monogamy. Tell me about the ethical part of this. What is, what does that mean? That means that again, no deceit, meaning you are very upfront, open, honest.

Clear communicating about the fact that you engage in other relationships or partners and so on. Um, there's, it's all very open, super transparent so that there are no surprises, no secrets, no. You know, nothing of that kind. And that's the ethical nature involved there. The problem I have with that phrase, though,  of ethical NoMy, is that it by its phrasing kind of connotes that there's.

Non-ethical mono, uh, non monogamy and I that's called cheating. Y'all we already have a word for that.  we already have a word, so let's just call it non monogamy and if, and everybody's upfront about it. Okay. So right. Let's leave that E off, cuz it's kind of redundant and superfluous. The, the word, uh, ethical non-monogamy always makes you think of the book, ethical slut, a book.

I do not recommend. Oh really?  no, I have some books that I would recommend and some sources I would recommend, but that's not one of ''s put those in the notes after, when we had the show up. I absolutely will that. Yes. Yes. Um, but yeah, E ENM is, um, As it's known non monogamy is my preference. It, like I said, it's, it's an umbrella for a whole lot of whole lot of stuff.

Um, uh, also included like some of, I mentioned that there are certain relationship styles and polyamory types or, or, um, NM relationship types. Mm-hmm  um, like I mentioned, um, swinging then there's, uh, open relationships and then basically in an open relationship is both parties in a, usually in a monogamous couple are open to seeing other partners.

Um, but there's no pressure. It's just like, oh, Hey, I met this other person or, oh, Hey, you know that, it's just, it's a much more, less the, any structure within that relationship is determined by those. Involved in that relationship in opening it up, they usually have like terms and conditions. Mm-hmm  um, otherwise known as boundaries.

Mm-hmm  as all relationships, even monogamous relationships have. Um, so what I hope people are gonna get from this is that there really aren't a whole lot of differences it between monogamy and non-monogamy other than there's more players. Yeah. Cause monogamy still requires you to be communicative  that's vital.

Y'all  yes. One thing I've heard people say that are in poly relationships or swinging relationships, full swap, half swap, blah, blah, blah. Mm-hmm  so much more talking than sex. And the people think they imagine that there's just so much sex. Right. But there's so much more talking than sex. Is that true? So much, so much processing, but the process, oh my God, like, yes.

And it's, what's really funny to me is. People, this is why it always cracks me. When people say, oh, this is just about sex, man. If you knew how much not sex there is going on, there's so much talking. I mean, to the point where you're like, are we gonna ever have sex? We sure. Talk about like my goodness. I feel like this is like a summit of some sort   I mean, sex summit, but that's super right, but that's super healthy.

And it's what it should be. If all, for all parties to genuinely feel comfortable and feel trust, which is really what all relationships wanna be based on, whether they're no monogamous or monogamous you want trust. And the best way to get that is full transparency. So that's really what that's all about.

And mm-hmm,  when you bring that, when you bring that up, Sydney, I think one of the things, at least like the myths or, you know, the things that people think about when they think about polyamorous relationships, is that everyone who's involved is kinky. Well, everyone who's involved in monogamy is kinky. So why would all the people in dog monogamy be kinky?

I'm just saying guys,  just saying, um, everybody's different. Um, um, I'm gonna tell you, there are some, I have, like I said, I have an unusual, um, relationship dynamic, but I also know other people with, um, interesting, um, and unusual relationships. I have, um, a couple of friends that are polyamorous currently.

They are, um, nesting partners and they've been together. Oh, God, I don't know, like 10, maybe 15 years they've been together a long time. In any case, they're ACEs, they're asexual. Mm. And they are open to other people. They have had other partners, um, individually and, and together. Um, but they don't have sex with these partners.

They don't have sex with one another. So. Kinky. Isn't a prerequisite  OK. Cause sex isn't  so I think that's, there you go. Really a really important, um, point to make, you know, when people talk about absolutely polyamory or swinging or any of that stuff, it's all just like these hen sex addicts, you know, that that's like the con you can't contain it in your own relationship.

You can't make monogamy work. So you're gonna just fit into this crowd of people.  it's right. It's nice to hear the other side of that, of like, it's so much about relationships that it sometimes doesn't even involve the sex or the sex comes second because the relationship is really the foundation it is.

And it cracks me up also when people say, oh, well, you're just like that. Cuz you're you're afraid of commitment. Are you relationships, genuine relationships as people. I doubt that his commitment has nothing to do with it. Uh, let me explain why I finally recognized that I was calling AMS, um, for me and I'm totally just speaking for me.

It felt utterly selfish and ridiculous for me to expect that one human was gonna be my everything. Cause I'm a whole damn lot. Y'all it takes a village.  okay. I'm just being honest. Okay. I'm a lot. Um, and to keep loving me, um, and, and giving me and nurturing me with all the things that I need, um, and heap that on one human that's just mean, and I just can't do it.

Nor would I expect another human do that from, you know, I, I couldn't do it. I just, I can't, that's exhausting. Um, and as exhausting as it can be to juggle so many relationships, we kind of do that anyway, even as monogamous people, cuz we have to balance our, our romantic relationships with our parents, children.

If you've got 'em siblings, friends, I mean, we have a lot of relationships that we already juggle quite well in most cases. Um, so yeah, just again, a lot of similarities aren't there. Absolutely. It's just more folk. Exactly. Like you said, it's we're just adding more people to the mix. That's really all us mm-hmm  exactly.

It's just a village. Okay. Um, Hey, there's a question here about processing. Yeah. So. Processing is a multi kind of a multifunctional kind of a aspect of things processing basically can be both the vetting process of, um, bringing someone into. You're introducing them into your molecule, um, which is like your, your, your family.

Um, a and another type of processing is processing, um, of relationship, uh, dynamics information. Um, if there's a fallout, um, basically it's similar to like relationship autopsy. Um, so, so like, yeah, so those are the two types of processing that I'm aware of. And I make sure that I practice in my relationships.

Um, I don't. It's kind of like, and for the people who have children will understand this very well. If you've been divorced or you have kids and you're single parent, the process you go through of introducing, um, your child to someone you wanna be super careful, same thing with those established relationships, you don't necessarily wanna bring somebody in who's gonna cause an implosion, um, which by the way, would ultimately be on you because you would be the connection and you need to make sure that you're, um, making communication lines very clear amongst all the parties that are involved with you.

Um, so yeah, there there's different. Of processing may be different for other people, but those are the two types of processing that I actively practice. Everybody in your molecule has to practice radical honesty. Everybody, everybody in ENM needs to practice radical honesty.  everybody. Absolutely.

Everybody. Um, mm-hmm  yeah. So, but going back to when we were talking about like some of the, the dynamics of ENM polyamory, uh, I wanna get into some of the demographics, like who the heck are these people and where did they come from?  okay. The bay area they're everywhere. Yeah, they are everywhere. They are everybody.

They are tall, short, fat, skinny. Uh, all points in between they are old young, there are a lot of older folk that are polyamorous. Um, I would have to say the biggest concentration that I've seen from my, uh, soft polling , um, has been, there are a lot of people who are, who identify or have been diagnosed as some form of neuro divergent.

Um, we are able to process the concept of mul of multiplicity. Um, mm-hmm,  better than neurotypical folk tend to be, um, because we don't, we are able to compartmentalize a little bit better. Um, it's part of our own survival, depending upon our specific diagnosis. Mm-hmm , that seems to be kind of across the board.

Now, mind you I'm the scientist, but as far as, um, speaking with as many people as I have in the, um, polyamory community, we all seem to notice the same. Oh, yeah, I am too. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh, you're you have ADHD. Oh, me too. Or mm-hmm  oh, you're on the spectrum. Well, yeah, me too. Yeah. There's a lot of that. There's a lot of that.

when you say, uh, demographics and they're more mature, are we talking about the aging hippies that are sixties and seventies and they're now they're like still practicing this free love. No, no. Okay. No, the boomers did that in their twenties and they're done for the most part. The, the boomers that are on the cusp of like gen X.

That's the group that we're talking about. We're talking about gen X. We're talking about, uh, millennials. And pretty much everybody under that. Um, and I think it's just my own personal theory. I think that part of that is because almost all of us are products of, um, some sort of blended family due to divorce.

So we've had to restructure our idea of what family looks like to begin with and in doing so we've opened ourselves up to recognizing that it is okay to reject monogamy if that's just not your, your vibe, cuz I'll be honest with you. It never felt right. Yeah. It never felt right. For me ever, always felt.

Why, but my question is, well, why do, why only one, I don't even have a favorite color. Y'all  cause why  mm-hmm  great. Yeah. I I'm a skits girl. I'll taste the damn rainbow. I don't care. I . Well, plus now people live so much longer and you know, I always hear this theory. You should not judge a relationship by how long it lasts by, but by how deep it goes.

Right. And my friend Reid, who's a sex geek. He's the first person I ever said that I don't know who said it first, but why? Okay. When we used to live to be 40, makes sense. You had one partner, you know, mm-hmm  you lived to be a hundred, does it really make sense to only have one partner? Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn't for some people, but that's a lot of years to just have one love, one deep friendship or partnership.

It is like it's, it's a different world. It is. It's so funny that that reminds me of my something. My mom used to say all the. When she would talk about her long marriage to my dad, they were married for 34 years until she died. Mm-hmm  and, um, but she used to tell me, cuz I tell her mom I'm more mentally, emotionally prepared to be a mother than I am to be a wife.

I don't think I can ever really be a wife. She says, darling, I understand because that's a lot of years of oatmeal every morning. And I was like, oh yeah, she goes, now I don't care how much raisin you put in it. And honey, and all the other stuff you can put in oatmeal. It's still oatmeal, baby. Be sure you really like oatmeal.

I was like, oh, I'm out.  I'm out. No,  no long term relationships are different challenges. I I'm just curious, you know, in dealing with, um, the dynamics of the relationship, what kind of things happen with, um, jealousy or disagreements? Like how do you handle those types of situations, each relationship deals with those things individually, there is really generally no all one right way to handle anything.

And it also heavily depends on the specifics that were kind of agreed upon in the boundaries set within that relationship. Cuz every relationship has boundaries.  so, but beyond that, um, how I deal with jealousy is I'm one of those rare humans that doesn't get jealous, but I recognize jealousy. Um, I understand what, from what it stems, um, I've always been the girl who, even with a boyfriend and we'd be out and stuff and I'd see a really pretty girl like, Ooh, look at her.

It, she too hot. And I would never like it. Wasn't a trap , you know, wasn't setting them up. Um, but as far as emo on an emotional relationship scale, um, I have had partners that have been jealous and we've had to just sit down and work that out. Um, jealousy is a very personal emotion. Um, it is a natural emotion and I don't, I think it gets a bad rap.

Um, it's okay to feel jealous. It's okay to feel angry. It's okay to feel a whole lot of emotions. What's not okay. Is if you allow those emotions to make you behave in a negative or hurtful manner, so feel the jealousy, feel it, sit with it, break it down, process it, you know, figure out what it stems from.

Basically it generally boils down to some insecurities and, and the person who's feeling jealous will have to deal with that themselves. Their partners though, my job, as a partner in dealing with my, my partner, who, who feels jealous is to remind them that they are secure in this relationship for, you know, as secure as they can be.

No relationship is permanent. Um, except for parenting mm-hmm  you kind of that's your gig. Yeah. Um,  but for me, I, and I make it up clear up front. I, I believe wholeheartedly in unconditional love. Um, I love you. No matter what you've done, no matter what you do, if I love you, I love you period. Now that does not mean that I'm go I'd have no boundaries.

That does not mean that if I feel, uh, my boundaries have been violated, then I'm not going to show you the door. Cause I could still love you from a distance. Boom.  you go way over there.  with all of that, but yeah, as far as like dealing with jealousy, that's it really is about me letting my partner know. I love you.

You are here. We are together. You are in my life. I have no intention of dismissing you from my life. Um, and so on again, communication key hashtag boundaries are sexy that yes, boundaries, communication and Lu y'all. Yes, good lube and the woman nature. Um, do you know about this term conversion? I love that term conversion and there's a companion term to that word, uh, known more in the, uh, psych world as fruit and fruit, which is, uh, basically the joy of joy.

Mm-hmm  you are joyful of the joy of someone else's joy. It sounds silly. Right. But what really is silly about it is we have been. Practicing this we've experienced this. This is something that every single person has had felt the whole of their lives. Every time someone you love tells you good news. And you're like, oh wow, that's awesome.

And you genuinely feel happy for them. Mm-hmm  that's conversion. Mm-hmm , here's where the hiccup comes along. People don't seem to be able to translate that into romantic relationships. And that is what has to come to a stop. Hmm. Learn to be joyful about your partner's joy. Even if that joy is a newfound love.

Even if you know, if that's the case, then I'm happy or happy. What about this person makes you feel so happy? That's what I always ask. What about them making you so happy? What, what are they doing for you that makes you feel this joy? And usually I hear some awesome thing about this person. I'm like, this is great.

I am happy for you. Yeah. That's what conversion's really all about. And some people say it's the opposite of jealousy, but I don't really believe that. Cause you can have conversion and you can have jealousy at the same time. Absolutely. I think of like just the easiest thing of like, we watch movies, you know, lighthearted comedies and romantic comedies and those kind of things for the conversion.

Like we want to have that happy ending and the, the positive feeling and all that kinda stuff. Exactly. So that absolutely makes sense, but we don't translate it to our partners and our personal relationships. Yeah. Our culture just doesn't respect. Um, the fact that that's available for other people, because then it's not, you know, it's not deemed as quote special or whatever it is.

They wanna, you know, say that only having one partner will do for you. Mm-hmm  well, you, that I think the hiccup on that is if you're with one of your partners, be. That partner, you know, that's how you make them feel special. How many times have you been in a conversation with somebody and you're having this conversation and they're like looking past you and you could tell they're half listening, they're distracted.

They're not giving you their full attention. Mm-hmm  it that's when you don't feel special. But when someone has locked in on you is listening to everything you have to say is engaging with you openly, honestly, showing affection, compassion, just sharing all that a healthy relationship should share in that moment.

And outside of that moment, guess what? Doesn't matter how many other people might be when they leave. Cuz it's about you right now. Yeah. Interesting. I think one of the things too, and this isn't in the questions, but I, it kind of triggered when you were talking about it, the thought of. I'm sure. So many people really get hung up on you can't have multiple relationships.

Right? So at some point you've gotta just like, oh, you gotta like, bring that person into the bedroom and it's gotta be like you and your other partner that you have a relationship with. Oh, you're gonna bring them into the bedroom too. Right? Like there's just these misconceptions and these crazy myths that are perpetuated by that.

Right. 100%. I cannot tell you how many times I get asked. Oh, so like, What kind of bed do y'all have. Cause that's a lot of people and I'm like, oh my God, really? First of all, I'm not sharing my mattress preference with you.  secondly, it's not all of us together. It's not, that's not, that's why I said it's about holy Emory.

If you want that together, sex thing, that's called swinging and go have it, knock yourself out. But people do think it means a lot of three Sims and foursomes and five Sims. And you guys, this is a sex sex, right. , that's a lot, that's a lot of sexual acrobatics. I'm just saying totally. And then you have to also, if you're fluid bonded, you have to think about that too.

Well, yeah. That's another thing. Um, it's, you know, that's part of the, the boundaries thing that you may set within your relationships is that sure. You know, like out of respect for myself and my body and my, my, uh, need to, you know, be safe. Try and do everything possible to be around for my son, you know, my son for the rest of my life.

Mm-hmm  um, or, you know, is that I take certain precautions. Condoms are must. Yeah. Um, because not because I'm, you know, afraid of pregnancy or something like that, but hello safety y'all yep. I'm just saying, um,  so, so yeah. Um, and I do that also because, um, one of the boundaries that my husband and I have established is, um, it's, it's just like traveling, it's fun to go see the world, but they're just some souvenirs you don't wanna bring home.

true. That's right. So I, I, I prefer not to bring home those souvenirs. Absolutely. I will leave them somewhere. Now, I think , we kind of touched on this, but I, you know, I think there's something to be said for this concept of like, people think, oh, well you must be dissatisfied. You must, you must not be getting something from your, um, your husband.

So this is, you know, your turning to other people for, to fulfill this void or this need, what would you say to something like that? I would say that what they they're reducing my other relationships to back scratchers and shame on you. Mm-hmm  what do you do with a GRA back scratcher? You get a itch, you scratch the back, you put a back in the drawer, you're done.

You walk away. You don't think about that back. Scratcher that back scratcher served its purpose and you're out mm-hmm  and if that's what you're looking for. Great. That's for you. I recommend swinging mm-hmm  okay. I recommend that, but that's not the case. Um, with me, my husband and I have a, it's been an interesting ride.

I mean, don't get me wrong. No marriage is. Um, but my husband and I deeply have unconditional love for one another. I, there is literally nothing going on in my life that I cannot tell my husband and that he cannot tell me we share absolutely everything. And that is based on trust and love and all the super important things that healthy relationships are based on.

So, no, I wasn't seeking something outside of him. He's a deficiency. Are that a he's holding up for like he's best. Um, what other relationships I have are based on a need for me to give more love and receive more love period. And it has nothing to do with him being deficient and just everything to do with how I'm built.

No one person can meet all of your needs. Bingo. I mean, that's why we have girlfriends and guy friends and our parents and our cousins. And we, we share certain things with each of them and a part of us and they share with us back. And you, I mean, you have all kinds of people in your life anyway. Right?

Why does it matter to people? I know it's like evangelical Christian people that are, think you're just, you know, a whore  yeah, that's fine. You know, that's okay. Uh, it's so funny. You should say I'm whore. So, um, and my family, my, my fam, my mother was kind of old fashioned in a lot of ways in a whole lot of ways.

She was not. Anyway. Um, the running deal with my mother, my grandmother was, um, only, um, loose swimming, only harlots were red nail Polish, and a proper lady always wears Pearl. Every day of my life. I've got both , you know, gotta keep a balance is all I'm saying I got, I wear a Pearl every day of my life and my nails are always red.

So keeping that balance poor red, uh, one thing I did wanna go back on, uh, with regard to, um, a relationship, if you, you know, having a relationship and, oh, your partners not giving you something that you want or need or whatever. Um, if you are in a situation where you feel that your relat your partner is not giving you something that you want or need, um, you, I recommend again, I'm no psychologist.

I do not. I'm not a therapist, but this is what I recommend talk to 'em. Don't expect them to figure out what it is that you are missing or needing or wanting. Cause that's selfish. And an expectation is something we hold within ourselves and don't verbal. But if you verbalize that thing, you now turned it into something actionable.

Yep. You can then give your partner the option of saying, oh, you know, that sounds like fun or, oh, we could try that. Mm-hmm  it doesn't sound like something I'd be necessarily into, but I'm not opposed to it. I mean, you open the floodgate a possibility. But if you're just holding on to, well, um, my wife or my husband just won't do blah, blah, blah.

How do you know, did you ask more than once? Right. And how did you ask, did you ask during sex or did you ask during like right during a fight or pick your moment? People , you know, yeah. This, this came up with our interview with our pro do you know people can't read your mind mm-hmm and you have to say exactly what you need and want and, and say it out loud.

And sometimes you have to ask more than once or twice, and it should be in this situation where you're not mad at each other. You're not just even to just finish having sex. Maybe you're having a nice dinner out with a drink. And you can say, babe, let's talk about our relationship. Let's talk about our, our, our life in our bedroom.

Let's have a conversation. The one question that I always encourage people to, to go ahead and ask during sex is how can I make this more enjoyable for you? Mm-hmm  I promise you, gentlemen, if you are. And you save that, that question to your partner, uh, to your, especially your female partner. I promise you mm-hmm  the flood gates of lubrication will just pour on out.

Women love to know that you are genuinely interested in how they feel and what they want. If you say, how can I make this more enjoyable for you? What you're doing is you are telling your partner one, I'm interested in you and making you feel really good. And two, and this is really important. You are telling your partner, I'm giving you an opportunity to help, correct me if I'm doing something that you don't like or prefer, but I'm doing it in a way that lets you know, that I'm not gonna be heard at your answer.

Mm-hmm , I'm open to hearing what you have to say. Let's do this together and y'all that shit sexy very well. Hell yeah. I think I've shared this in other episodes, but when my partner reminds me to breathe, I. He just told me to breathe. He cares about my or acid. That's so hot, right?  right. You're like HES, holy

that's.

Now this is a little bit pop cultish. And I'm sure that, you know, like two years from now, people are gonna be like, wait, what? Huh? You know, like go back to think about it. But the slap heard, heard around the world, um, will Smith walking up and slapping Chris rock mm-hmm  the internet responded, um, to that with lots of comments about their Jada and Will's relationship.

And there was a lot of discussion about, well it's because of their open relationship that, you know, He got mad and he went up there and, uh, slapped Chris rock because of this blah, blah, blah. Tell me a little bit about how the poly community responded to that and, and just the, the misinformation and the myths that you all face in, in those situations.

Well, um, though I cannot speak for the whole of the community. The folks that I am in touch with, we all laughed our asses off at that notion because that man slept Chris rock in defense of his partner. One can do that in a monogamous relationship to you. You, you do in fact more often than not. That's what happens  is, is that.

One person angers another person in defense of I'm just saying like this has happened the world over. So to blame it on Paul Amory is just ridiculous. The two things have nothing to do with one another. And I would ask that any person who has that notion completely remove it because it has nothing to do with it, that their relationship structure had nothing to do with that man being unhappy and genuinely angered that someone in tried to insult his wife, his spouse, his partner.

That's what that was about. Had nothing to do with the relationship period. Yeah. And I think that's a difficult thing for, you know, people, people always look for a reason, right. And mm-hmm  oh, well, these two things, you know, seem like you could put that together. And then that must be the answer, you know, the correlation equals causation kind of thing.

But, um, I think that's something really important for, um, for our, you know, for our community to recognize, Hey, polyamorous relationships really have to do about the relationship, not about this, like jealousy based, you know, go get him because I'm upset kind of response. Um, it has nothing to do with that.

So I appreciate your feedback on that. You can have jealousy and anger and monogamy. Absolutely. I think how many bar fights have been started because you know, some guy talked to some, you know, you talked to my girl.  you know, and then mm-hmm  boom, the there's music songs I can like, I mean, uh, uh, was there Carrie Underwood famous?

Uh, oh yeah. Mm-hmm  song about taking a Louisville Slugger to right headlights and such. This is about jealousy and they were polyamorous. I'm just saying . Yeah. I mean, Loretta Lynn of this city. Hello.  that's about taking some woman out for, and they were not mono, you know, they were monogamous. So please outta here with that, um, talk about resources for the community.

Tell us a little bit about, you know, what are, what are ways that people can learn more about this? Because I think a lot of folks have a lot of myths and misconceptions. They have a lot of, um, misinformation, um, they're going off of stereotypes and things like that. Uh, where can they find legitimate? Um, and, and legitimate and, and nonjudgmental, you know, when somebody's trying to seek out that information, where can they find those kind of resources?

What I would recommend is definitely do some, some homework, uh, some really good sources, uh, three books come to mind. Um, the first one is more than two. It's a great book. Um, dealing with, uh, ethical, no monogamy polyamory specifically. Um, there's another one, poly secure is another great book, um, that talks about the dynamics within a polyamorous relationship and, and how to process things.

Um, what types of, um, relationship styles that there are, like I had mentioned before, there's like, you know, kitchen table poly, there are some people who are relationship anarchist. There are people who are monogamish. There are people who are, you know, there's just a variety of relationship styles. Um, and that book is really good about discussing some of those specific dynamics.

Um, there's um, also a really good book called, um, loves not colorblind and it deals with race and representation in polyamorous and other alternative relat. Um, because that's one of the other issues, especially for me in particular being a black woman and in the black community, there's some issues with regard to, um, polyamory, so general some issues we can get into those in a later now or whatever, but mm-hmm, , um, those are some great resources.

Those are three really good resources. Also there's an excellent podcast. Um, polyphilia. Great name.  The, the chick that runs that is awesome. Okay. She's um, in Hong Kong, uh, she is, I believe a psychologist. She's a therapist and she is in a poly relationship. She has some amazing guests and insights, um, into, uh, polyamory.

Her guests are always. So interesting. So yeah, if you're interested in, in learning more about that, I would recommend starting there. Um, of course you can always find like, you know, groups, local groups, I mean, you Google it. Sure. Heavens you can, can't throw a rock on Google and not find the heck you're looking for.

Um,  so Sydney, other fat people are in polyamorous relationships. You're not the, the only one. Okay. So in my relationship in my poly, there are, there are three of us just in my relationship and that's something I wanna stress. Literally, when I said demographics before there's some, everybody. Some everybody.

Yep. Um, I have not been as active in the fat community as I have wanted to be. Um, because I had other things that have kind of stood out as a activism priority. Can't imagine what those could be.  my love lit stands out anyway. Um, but, um, um, I, it always saddens me to hear. Particularly fat women, even fat men talk about how they have a hard time finding, you know, partners and stuff, dating.

They're shy about that. And I'm like child, I have not been single on a Saturday night or a Friday night, unless I really wanted to be, we say that a lot here. And that's the same for you. I assure you, you look and you'll find who you need. Um, you will find there is a lid for every pot as my granny used to say.

so, um, and there are lots of fat people and particularly here in the bay area that are polyamorous it's. We're a wide and diverse group. I used to do a lot of sex, toy parties at sex parties, everybody under the sun. Yep. Everybody shape, size, age, color. Oh yeah. Religion, everybody. Just the like you're at the DMV.

Everybody just chat. That's the truth. It is like the DMV, just every little bit of everyone, you know, everybody. Yeah. Um, yeah. Um, the one thing that I always have, like I mentioned before is an issue is like amongst the black community, um, there's the notion of it only being. For men like cuz within the black community, there's something, no, there's something known as the side chick mm-hmm

Um, and that's kind of something that's been under the table accepted to a certain degree. Um, mm-hmm  and not really talked a lot about, unless you're angry and you wanna like, you know, dish and throw shade and all that, which is ridiculous. But, um, There's there's more and more women that are recognizing and accepting their polyamory and partnering with people who appreciate that and who appreciate them.

Um, and I would love to see more acceptance within that community in particular. Um, we accept one penis policy with that nonsense of the side check. Why the heck can we, you know, that O PPP goes two ways, boo, boo, that pee in the middle can stand for a whole  that pee on the end could a whole lot of stuff.

I'm just saying , you know, um, the other thing I noticed when I was at those parties, it would be like gay people, straight people, trans people by people, everybody, everybody, everybody on the spectrum of sexuality, it just, and then, and everybody gender of, you know, gender, um, expression fluid, everybody. Oh yeah, no, no, honestly, honestly there really is.

Um, that's awesome. There really is just some of everybody, um, young, old everybody in between mm-hmm  mm-hmm . Um, but for, for, for me, what I would like to see is more acceptance and understanding and appreciation for alternative relationship styles within like the black community. That would make my heart happy.

Mm-hmm  and I want you a fat folk out there to note that yes, you too can have more than one love if that's what you're into. Just be open and honest with yourself first. Right? So that you can be open and honest with your partners next. Yeah. And that's the key and I really want, um, side Dick to become a thing instead of side chick.

I want side dick to be a thing. Child, I want you to know I'm against side. Anything. Don't have it on the side. I gotta, if you open and honest, just ha if you're open and honest, it's just next. Just Dick. It's no side it's. Yeah, just Dick. Dick is plentiful. I say that a lot.  that, that it's, you know, just be honest and you too can have all the Dick that you can handle.

all the relationship your calendar can hold. Right. Murf do we have other questions before we talk to her about her favorite sex wife? Um, we have one more question. Hmm. Um, and it is, do you go for it? Cool. Yeah. Do you think that polyamory will one day be accepted in the same way? Monogamy is now? Um, not in my lifetime, but I think eventually it will be mm-hmm  um, like I was saying before that the relationship structures have shifted drastically with the, um, rise of divorce over, you know, previous years in, in previous decades.

Um, and because of that, um, alternative relationship types have already cropped up mm-hmm  so many have cropped up. It only makes sense that in the evolution of. Human interaction that polyamory and it's at ENM and it's many umbrella types, um, would be, uh, uh, something that would come up. Um, yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely. Oh, you know, I was gonna say something to y'all too about that. Well, not about this specifically, but, um, with regard to having, um, meeting your person, if you're interested in meeting people and all that kind of thing, mm-hmm  how do you do that? Um, that it's not hard. It's relatively, um, Simple's basically the same way that you met the other people, you know, same rules apply.

Okay. Um, the difference being, or, and it shouldn't be a difference is my, is the issue I take. Um, you have got to be honest about your polyamory upfront. Mm-hmm be honest up front from the jump and in doing so you might E either be like, Ooh, I'm not into that. And then they walk away and you're not hurt and they're not hurting.

Everybody's happy. Um, next, um, or they're. Oh really? Oh, cool. Cause so am I  that's the other response you'll get, which is awesome. And then, you know, y'all could proceed, like you would've any other time. Um, the one thing I caution people who are thinking about opening up their relationship and oh, we wanna have, do not unicorn hunt.

Yeah. Yeah. Hear, hear me. Do not unicorn hunt. So explain that. Do not seek a third wheel mm-hmm   okay. It, unicorn hunting is typically where a, a monogamous couple want to introduce. Third person to, and, and become a triad together where they're sharing this person like a Snickers bar. , it's the worst. Like really that's a lot to heap on this one person.

Now, if something naturally forms in that direction, congratulations, you found your unicorn, but don't hunt for them. Um, you are there for it's damaging. It's dangerous. It's hurtful for everybody involved. I have seen more relationships bust up over that sad, ridiculous activity. Um, if you're gonna be non monogamous, be non monogamous individually, if you both happen upon the same person and you both happen to like that person a lot and happen to want to engage with that person.

And that person is okay with engaging with. Both of y'all are all of y'all or whatever. Congratulations. Again, you have found your unicorn and I wish y'all. But don't go hunting them down. That's just, that's it's disgusting.  don't do that. Why am I reminded of the pina colada song?

they both put an in the paper. Right. You both. Yeah. Like who might pee Columbus too. They found each other. Oops. And that's awesome. If you find each other and it works out then. Great. But it, by specifically going out and, and typically what happens in that too, is that they're searching for the, for a bisexual woman.

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I wish I had brought it on camera. It's love,

right? Just like, wait, do I have it? Um, the womanizer inside out y'all game change, hype game changer. Now I always love the womanizer. It's a wonderful, wonderful toy. And y'all have talked about this one before, but the what? The, the inside out. Okay. Toward the inside out. Hmm. It handles you from the inside to the outside.

Oh, so it goes in and then there's a part that comes out and the womanizer part is on the clip. And then there's another vibrating portion that cuts kind of up under, onto your G spot. And which is wonderful for those of us who have sensitive G spots and, and, and typically, um, also can, uh, achieve orgasm through penetration.

Not everybody can, right. It's not a deficiency. It's just how you work. No problem. Yep. You're still good. Um, But honey child  it was almost a religious experience.  you got a new religion. Woo mercy.  baby. Yeah, we're a fan. All hell. The woman ADSS are inside out.  I need to get that one. I need to get a supplier for that one and put on my website.

Cause yeah, I need, I need to people keep asking me about it. That and the Rosebud, which is like a little right. Small little toy that, but it's for me because of my belly and stuff, I can't really use those little tiny toys, but I know a lot of people want it similar ones, so right. Yeah. Oh, the cool thing about the inside out too, is that it comes with two, um, different heads for the womanizer, the pulsing mm-hmm  action piece.

So you can remove it. So if you have a larger clip, there's one that'll fit that it go smaller clip there's one that'll fit that. Um, and it bends very easily. So if your parts are like, you know, your yeah, CLD is positioned a little higher up, it'll still you just, I mean, it'll take a little bit to maneuver it a little and find it.

Oh, your happy spots all at once. But once you find a woo Jesus,

I'm sorry. I'm gonna need a moment.  good. Shit. Good shit. Worth every penny and always the womanizer products always live up to their hype. I know it's they do hyped a lot and they're super expensive, but they're, they're really worth it and don't buy them on Amazon. You don't have to buy them for me, but just don't buy them on Amazon.

Do we have any other questions mur? We do not. I, but I know that, um, okay. We had started to get some kind of like, oh, well, like wanting more in depth. So I think we're gonna have to do a round two and like, oh yes. For the folks. Not just as a 1 0 1, but like. 2 0 1

right. Yeah, no problem. No problem. I'm, I'm happy to do it. Happy to do it. Um, I, I know there's a lot of questions. There will be. Yeah.  this. And you know, that's gonna spur a lot more questions. Um, you know, one of the things I was thinking about is I read a book called, uh, sex at Dawn. And it's not about polyamory, but it's about non-monogamy.

Oh. And it talks about how, um, non-monogamy is practiced over multiple different cultures across the entire world. Right. And, um, it's a good place to kind of start out, you know, if you're just like really wanting to just dip your toe into, like, is this something that's been practiced? Cuz they talked about how it's been practiced from basically the beginning of time until now.

And so it has sure. Yeah. So I think, you know, there's, there's a lot more that once we really, you know, have this go out to everyone, we're gonna get a lot of feedback in of, okay. Now let's talk about specifics or let's get into the thick of all these kind of things. Right. Mm-hmm  um, like what's the difference between polygamy and uh, polyandry, there's a good one.

All that, you know, that, that there that's an important one to know. I mean, a lot of people did even know that polyandry. Like existed, but it's a thing. And just to be clear, polygamy is when one man has multiple spouses polyandry is when one woman has multiple husband. Yes, please. No,  amen. And thank you. I really want a wife actually, just because I need help doing shit.

But, um, yeah, , there's that poem. There's an essay actually done, um, by Judy some, I can't think of her last name, but it's, it's called. I want, I want a wife and she goes into very deep detail about, look, I need a helper cuz you are not helping me. I need somebody to step in and do all the things that I do, but do it for me instead of what I do for you.

Like it's so good. I highly recommend y'all. Google the stuffings outta that one. Roseanne was the first person I ever heard. Heard, say that line. I need a wife way back in the eighties, but we are so grateful to you, Sidney. Thank you for all the amazing information. My pleasure. Great questions. Murf love.

It was good stuff. I so appreciate your time and, and just the expertise of, of your lived experience and, and really breaking it down to absolutely. Um, you know, folks. Are new to this and have those misconceptions and have heard those myths and believe the stereotypes and all that kinda stuff. It's just having a real voice to back up.

You know, the, the legitimacy of is so important and yes, to have, um, someone. Who is just so open and transparent, it's just really appreciated. Well, thank you. And a part of our community. Yeah, that was the thing that I really wanted to stress is we're fat folk are doing this. Y'all not only are we having sex, cuz that's another big old men that people aren't having sex or if they're having it's.

Cause somebody took pity on him. I have never had pity sex unless I was the one giving the pity boo . Um, OK. Oh my goodness.  but not only are we out there having sex and having, you know, monogamous relationships, we're having multiple relationships. So please do not feel that your fat is gonna limit you.

The only way your fat limits you is if you allow it to and boo, boo, I am not for. I'm all about the fat troublemaker. I'm here to do it.  gotta stir up the pot, stir up the shit. Absolutely. That's stir it up. All three of us are, I think, right. We're like change agents. We're all stirring the pot. Absolutely shit.

Disturbers that's hashtag fat troublemaker. I love it. Yes. Well, thanks again. We're gonna wrap this up. Thank you so much, Mer. Great to see you. Yes. And I'm just gonna say see you later, alligator. Well, after Raca dial, see ya. So where do you find your favorite fatties? We'll check out big, sexy chat.com. You can find our podcast on any major streaming service.

Just remember to like subscribe and review. You can find us at big, sexy chat on Facebook and Insta and at big sexy chat pod on Twitter, you can find me Merf. At merfygirlreview on Twitter and at merfygirladventures on Instagram, Chrystal tell 'em where they can find you. Sure they can find me on Twitter at blissconnection, and they can find me on Facebook as Curvygirlinc. Download us every other Sunday and listen, whenever you want.