Transcript
WEBVTT
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Hi, welcome to Big Sexy Chat.
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I'm Crystal, I'm Murph.
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We're just two rad fatties sitting around chewing the fat Twice a month.
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We'll be chatting about current events hot topics sex, sex toys, fat politics, fat community cannabis, cbd you name it.
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We're going to talk about it.
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We are very excited to have you a part of our community.
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Welcome and enjoy.
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Hey everybody, welcome back to Big Sexy Chat.
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I am Murph, and today things are a little different.
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Crystal is dealing with some medical stuff and she's okay, everything's good, but she's not here for the pod.
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She said please go record in my absence, and so I thought to myself who could I involve in this process?
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Instantly landed on our amazing producer, editor all things.
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Big Sexy Chat, ashley.
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How are you everybody?
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I'm glad to have you on today.
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I am so glad to be here.
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I'm excited about what we're talking about.
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Yes, so we are talking about all things polyamory.
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We have had our guest previously with Sydney, who came on and talked about her experiences with polyamory.
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There was a lot of interest in that discussion and topic, something that you've said pretty regularly to me and to everyone else I know Do you want to say it how?
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It's different for every person.
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There is no cookie cutter way to be polyamorous.
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That's it right there, folks.
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So we're talking about personal stories, we're asking questions, we're learning, and one of the great ways to do that is to have those personal anecdotes and the things that you have through lived experience.
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So Ashley is going to jump in and tell us a little bit about her current situation and then what led to her discovering polyamory.
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So currently my situation is that I'm married and I do not have another partner right now.
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That is like a committed partner.
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I do have satellite connections, which is for people who don't know what that is.
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A satellite connection is usually a connection that you're close with emotionally, that you care for that, you tend the connection as you can, but they're separated by distance like a satellite.
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I do have people all over the world that I'm close with and care for deeply.
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I do have some people that I'm getting more and more close with.
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So we'll see.
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There might be another relationship at some point.
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For now my focus has not been creating another relationship, because for people who are polyamorous and who are in, because for people who are polyamorous and who are in committed poly relationships, they know it takes a lot of energy, it takes a lot of time, it takes a lot of dedication, it takes a lot of everything and I don't have it yet.
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I don't have that space right now because I'm not a relationship collector.
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There are definitely polyamorous people who really want to expand that love, and so they collect all the relationships that feel good.
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I am not that way because for me, I don't feel like I can responsibly care for a bunch of relationships and I want to be responsible with people's hearts and my own.
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I haven't had any for a while.
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I have had many and a lot of experience with it.
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Do you have any specific questions?
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I have a lot of questions actually, so maybe even some rapid fire.
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Yeah, polyamory is different from swinging, but there are some similarities.
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Can you tell us what the similarities are?
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Similarities would be sexual.
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I mean, swinging is pretty specifically just sexual, whether it's kink, whether it's whatever.
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It's you and your partner or partners, and other people and their partner or partners, or even just one person, but it's really like incorporating all these people and it's very sexual.
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It's great you do you Hell, yeah, get you some.
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While that can be an element for people who are polyamorous, it is different.
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Polyamory, like the root of it, is many loves.
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It's about having love of commitment.
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When you're in a poly relationship and multiple poly relationships, you're really committed to these people.
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They're real relationships, just like any other relationship.
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So it's the difference between hey, we're going to go on dates.
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Hey, we're going to care for each other.
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When we're sick, we're going to take care of the other person, we're going to check on the other person, we're going to put emotional time and energy and exchange into this, versus like, let's get it on.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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Do you think that the culture looks at this in a way that there is that hierarchy of like okay, well, you have a primary relationship and then you're adding this person into that.
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How do you navigate that process of not leaving that person feeling like a secondary?
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So I will say this goes into the.
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There's not one cookie cutter way of being polyamorous, because this is something that really works differently for everybody and I think a lot of people, when they start polyamory and they're already married or in a relationship, they really tend to have that even when they don't intend to.
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There tends to be a priority placed on the nesting partner, which is kind of just what it's usually called the nesting partner relationship, and then the other relationships are like, as I have time, it's difficult to navigate at any stage.
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It's difficult whether it's the beginning, it's really difficult through NRE.
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So when there's that new relationship, energy between a polyamorous person and another partner, that can be difficult for the nesting partner.
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So there's there's like a lot of different challenges and time periods and moments where that can be challenging.
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And the best way to navigate it is the best way to do anything, which is communication.
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It's it's open, it's all about open, honesty, communication.
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You're constantly talking to your partners.
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You're constantly explaining to them how you're feeling, what's going on, what's happening.
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You're not leaving them guessing.
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When you're in a lot of poly groups, you see this kind of thing come up a lot and a lot of people who are polyamorous and are veteran polyamorous people will talk about how irresponsible it is to have relationships like that, how unethical it is to have relationships that are having this like power dynamic struggle and they'll just be like don't do it.
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Just don't do it for this person anymore.
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It takes effort, intentional communication, time and a commitment to really working through it.
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There's no one way to make somebody feel like a priority except for making sure they feel like a priority.
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Talk to them about what their needs are, how often it is reasonable to see each other on any given week Schedule time and make sure that the other person knows like I am intentionally scheduling time to so important.
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And I think that, like how we talk about communication is lubrication.
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Communication isn't just lubrication.
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I mean it is part of any successful relationship, whether it's one relationship or two or three or four.
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Communicating is really the only way that you can balance that and handle those situations.
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And it's going to take effort, a lot of it, and you are still running the risk.
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There's also a chance, no matter what, that you're going to run the risk of another person feeling like they are the back burner, like they are second best, and that is so unfortunate.
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Because of a really big part of things, I have felt like that.
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I have my husband, I have a nesting partner and I work really hard to make sure that any partner I have does not feel like a back burner person.
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But I cannot say the same for every other person.
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I dated somebody who had three other relationships and two little kids.
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Somebody who had three other relationships and two little kids.
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You know where's the time You've got to work.
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I mean, how are you supposed to make somebody feel like a real priority when you're like well, I could see you next month for a few hours, maybe we could do lunch?
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It's really difficult.
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Part of why I don't do the relationship collecting thing because if I can't make sure that the other person is not going to feel like a back burner, is not going to feel like they're not a priority, is not going to feel like, oh my gosh, I'm just something to fill her free time and I don't feel like it's responsible for me to get in a relationship with that person.
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But I'm not everybody.
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Do you see that there's elements when you're talking about partners that you've had?
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Are there elements of I just really have good sexual chemistry with this person and I like you but I don't need a relationship?
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Are there elements of that kind of fun sexy stuff, but not so much like I have to carve out time and make sure that the kids don't know all?
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of that, yeah, there definitely can be.
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But I think, like anything else, it's a choice.
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I have this thing where I think that love is both a feeling and a choice.
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I think that way about most things, right, like I have a crush on Ryan Reynolds but I'm not just going to go run up and hump his leg.
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Maybe I would, but I probably wouldn't.
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I've definitely had connections that were really strongly sexual and the times that I've explored that have actually been when I'm not in a relationship, when I wasn't married, when I didn't have anybody else as a married person, and as a married person who has two kids and two animals and work.
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I don't explore that very often anymore.
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There have been times.
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Definitely it's always been with the intention that it's going to be more than just sexual.
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But before I was married I was still polyamorous.
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I did absolutely have those like man I just want to bone that dude moments and did.
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But for me that always felt it didn't feel like I was really polyamorous and living into polyamorous relationships, because for me polyamory really is attached to relationship, not just a sexual experience.
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But again, there's lots of ways to do it.
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I think there are a lot of people who do solo poly.
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That's one of the things that a lot of people really recommend when you start off the polyamorous journey for yourself anyway.
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People like that probably have more of those instances because they're dating however many people they want to at any point, and that can be like you know, hey, we go to dinner, it's up and that's it.
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No strings attached, just fun, friends with benefits, and they may consider that a relationship or they may consider that part of my polycule, my poly world.
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So it's really very different for everybody.
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For me, I just don't have the time.
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It's exhausting to put that effort out there all the time.
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Honestly, I've got toys that do a better job than most of the guys would.
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Anyway, if all I need is to get it off, I'd rather use my toy.
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At least it's guaranteed For me.
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Connections, at least in the last 10 years, have really been focused on emotional investment.
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I can get off anywhere.
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If I have a strong sexual attraction to somebody, I anywhere.
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If I have a strong sexual attraction to somebody, I tend to want to have a relationship with them also.
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Yeah, that's interesting because I have so many mixed emotions about poly and non-monogamy.
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I have no judgment.
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I've been with my partner for 24 years and I think there's no way I would have the same emotional connection with someone that enters that situationship, because I've had 24 years with this other person.
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You know like I would always kind of feel like, no matter what, you're going to end up being the back burner and I don't want somebody to feel like that.
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I want to be attracted to someone and I want to have that connection with someone, to have a sexual relationship, because that's the kind of person I am.
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I don't like to have just rando sex, which no judgment, just talking about my personal self.
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When you said, you know, this is my dinner buddy.
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Like we have dinner, we go have sex, I'm sitting there thinking, well, that sounds like a good deal.
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I know it's consistent, there's a relationship, but there's not this expectation of the emotional relationship component.
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So I'm just curious in your experience being in that world and with groups, do you see more often that people struggle with that hierarchy?
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I think, like okay, communication too, like most people can't even do that with a single partner let alone having the discussion of.
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now there's another person we're adding into this.
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Okay, and now communicate.
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So I just I'm curious, when you think of the overall culture of it, how often you see that I'd imagine it's pretty relevant.
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All the time.
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It's very relevant and I think that maybe it's some clarity around hierarchy.
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So when I'm hearing hierarchy, I tend to relate it to like this relationship is the top relationship.
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It is the one that I place the priority on.
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There's a difference between responsible priorities and that other gray area where it's like this is my dinner buddy.
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The thing about polyamory is that no relationship is going to be the same.
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Your relationship with James, right, you have this history.
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You have all this time that you've learned each other, that you've gotten comfortable with each other, that you have communicated and not communicated.
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You've worked through so much and there is no way for another relationship to compare.
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There's a difference between placing priority and comparing those relationships.
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You might have somebody that you want to go to dinner with, have intimacy with and spend some emotional investment with, but they're never going to be the same as James.
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They're never going to fulfill that same thing and they're not supposed to.
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The great thing about polyamory is that it shouldn't be about comparing this relationship to this relationship.
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It shouldn't be like can I have another relationship that's going to also fulfill me in the exact same ways that this relationship does?
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No, you're never going to, and it shouldn't really.
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If that's what you're looking for, then you're looking for a way out of the one relationship.
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If you're just looking for somebody to replace what this other person has done not that you are, I'm saying in general if that's what somebody is doing, they're really looking to replace that relationship.
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Most people in the poly world it's more about complementing and fulfilling needs than it is comparing relationships or placing priority or hierarchy on anything else.
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If you got in a relationship with somebody else right now and they were fun to hang out with, you, like spending time with them, you liked doing things with them, you liked being intimate with them, and you were like, hey, you know what I think I want to actually invest.
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Hey, you know what I think I want to actually invest more emotional currency with this person.
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I want this person to be a bigger part of my life, no matter what.
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They're never going to be what James is.
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They're never going to be that and they shouldn't be.
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If they are, then what's the point of James?
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Right, what you might need is somebody to go to dinner with and you might need somebody to experience new things with, but that doesn't make the other relationship less than Priority.
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Isn't about comparing.
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It's about making sure that somebody else realizes they are important to you and that they matter to you, and that you want to spend time with them.
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It's like when you have a friendship right, you want your friends to know that you care about them, you want them to know that you love them.
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You want them to know that you care about them.
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You want them to know that you love them.
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You want them to know that they're important.
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You can have as many friends right, but you may not spend time with all of those friends.
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It's really the same thing, yeah.
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I get that and I think where I've seen the most difficulty with this, especially when I'm working with patients, is that there's this element of being the third right and it's almost like, well, if you choose to be in this relationship with this individual and say maybe you're not even with the couple, just with one element of the nesting group, it almost seems like there's always a temporary element to it.
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And I think the patients that I've worked with in the past that's always been a struggle of just like if you're not going into it in the right headspace of like these people have primary relationships that I'm obviously not going to be a part of, but that doesn't negate the amazing connection or the emotional relationship you have with one or both individuals.
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But there's always this sense of like, but I know that I'm still trying to find whatever that also not as valuable, because you know like if shit goes down right, the couple's going to probably just like whoop, we're closing up shop and we're back to our normal selves we're closing up shop and we're back to our normal selves.
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When I think of a third, it's like okay, let's say it's a couple wanting to bring in another person.
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What I often see is that the person who is the third regularly feels kind of left out not completely left out, but as long as you go into that situations knowing this is not my primary, but I love these people and I want to have fun there's a different mindset.
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You have to be in for that to be successful, and I think what I often hear and see is that that isn't what's occurring.
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Right, people get into these sort of situations and then they're like well, I'm as equal, and it's like well, but has that been something that you've talked about?
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Is that something you're sharing, that you feel like you're in this and there's this sense of hurt that I see and hear people talk about.
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Do you hear that at all from other people?
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I think that the thing is the temporary aspect right, like how this person feels, like they're kind of temporary.
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Everything is temporary, every relationship is temporary.
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The only thing that determines whether it's not temporary is you and the other person.
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This life is temporary.
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I mean, we never know what tomorrow is going to hold.
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We have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow.
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So every single thing out there is temporary.
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And I think that if somebody goes into a relationship thinking, well, this is just temporary because I'm the third and I'm not as important, then that's what you're setting yourself up to do.
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But if you go into it and everyone is communicating and everyone is like sure, life is temporary.
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Every single relationship is temporary.
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One of my really good friends asked me and, mind you, I will say I love Steven, I choose Steven.
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That's one of our things is I choose you.
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Every single day I wake up and I choose you.
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He asked me one time do you think that you and Steven will be together forever?
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And I was like, if I choose to, because everything is choice, we get to choose that.
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We have legalities, right, we're legally married.
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Lots of people have been legally married and gotten legally separated.
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What makes it lasting is the choice to do so.
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If that's with a third person, then that's what the third person, no matter what it is a choice, it's you or whoever right, it's that person making a choice.
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So it's the hinge, right.
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When there's that kind of situation, we're not going to go into the throuple but like, if it's one person, their partner, this is their, connected me then they have a third person that one of them really likes, this one is connected to both.
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This is the hinge.
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This hinge's responsibility is to make sure that both people feel cared for, both people feel desired.
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Both people's needs are met, and those are going to be different needs.
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You're not going to treat them the same way because they're not the same people.
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They're going to have different needs, they're going to have different wants, they're going to have different communication styles, they're going to have different everything, as they should, because we're all different people.
00:20:48.326 --> 00:20:53.605
But it's this person's responsibility to make sure that this person doesn't feel left out.
00:20:54.266 --> 00:21:16.451
And if they are those people that are coming to you in therapy, if they're like I feel, like I am the third, I am the back burner, like I'm not really important anymore, you should be communicating to your person, to your partner I don't feel like I'm important, I don't feel like my needs are being met, because really, all of those things stem from the fact that our needs aren't being met.
00:21:16.451 --> 00:21:18.542
We need to be aware of what those needs are.
00:21:18.542 --> 00:21:22.811
Like you know, is the need, the real need, right?
00:21:22.811 --> 00:21:23.967
Is it that you have more intimacy?
00:21:23.967 --> 00:21:25.134
Is it that you have more communication time?
00:21:25.134 --> 00:21:25.517
Is it that you have more intimacy?
00:21:25.517 --> 00:21:26.700
Is it that you have more communication time?
00:21:26.700 --> 00:21:28.345
Is it that you have more connection time?
00:21:28.846 --> 00:21:36.421
What is the need that you're feeling is not being met, and communicating that to that person, and then that person, the hinge goes.
00:21:36.421 --> 00:21:46.536
I care about you, I love you, I want to spend time with you and I have this time set aside for this relationship.
00:21:46.536 --> 00:21:49.340
This is what I have available here.
00:21:49.340 --> 00:21:51.205
Is this something that's going to work for you?
00:21:51.205 --> 00:21:53.332
And then that person should be going?
00:21:53.332 --> 00:21:57.749
I really need more from you, or no, that's not going to work for me.
00:21:57.749 --> 00:22:03.006
If that's the case, that's the case, there's going to be other relationships.
00:22:03.163 --> 00:22:05.853
There's billions of people on this planet.
00:22:05.853 --> 00:22:12.285
The idea that we are only going to connect with one person forever it's not realistic.
00:22:12.285 --> 00:22:13.734
How many of us date?
00:22:13.734 --> 00:22:24.040
Very few people Meet one person when they're young, marry that person, stay with that person through their whole life, and if they do, it's because they chose to that person.
00:22:24.040 --> 00:22:26.930
Stay with that person through their whole life and if they do, it's because they chose to.
00:22:26.930 --> 00:22:27.170
That's it.
00:22:27.250 --> 00:22:28.173
So real quick background.
00:22:28.173 --> 00:22:29.457
I've always been polyamorous.
00:22:29.457 --> 00:22:34.130
I didn't always have words for it, I didn't always understand it, but I have always been polyamorous.
00:22:34.130 --> 00:22:38.847
When I was little, I had monogamous training.
00:22:38.847 --> 00:22:40.510
I grew up in a very religious household.
00:22:40.510 --> 00:22:45.921
There was only one person for you my mother, who has been married to more than one person.
00:22:45.921 --> 00:22:50.452
So you're saying there wasn't just one person for you.
00:22:50.452 --> 00:22:51.777
I'm confused.
00:22:51.777 --> 00:22:53.361
It's always been a thing for me.
00:22:53.361 --> 00:23:00.384
I have never understood how, on a planet where there are so many people, we're expected to find our one.
00:23:00.384 --> 00:23:01.769
You're going to find your one.
00:23:01.769 --> 00:23:12.243
You're going to find one that you really like and you really want to spend time're going to find one that you really like and you really want to spend time with and you really love and you really care about and you're really dedicated to, and then they want that with you.
00:23:12.243 --> 00:23:15.549
Fantastic, that's amazing.
00:23:15.549 --> 00:23:19.678
Congratulations, and our monogamous programming that we have had.
