Interview With A Curvaceous Dominatrix

BSC Ep. 6

Chrystal: [00:00:00] Hi, welcome to big sexy chat. I'm Chrystal 

Merf: I'm Merf. 

Chrystal: We're just two red fatties sitting around chewing the fat twice a month. We will be chatting all about current events, hot topics, sex, sex toys, relationships about politics, cannabis CBD. You name it. We're going to talk about it. We're really excited to have you part of our community welcoming.

Announcer: On this episode of big, sexy chat, we're welcoming and special guest mistress. J Mistress J is a pro domme in San Jose, California, who was also active in the local BDSM community. She's been seeing clients for over seven years and enjoys power exchange and helping people surrender mistress. Jay specializes in

Announcer: Some sessions for beginners as well as the season submissive her website, mistress J studios.com lists her offerings and has a link to her blog [00:01:00] describing some fun and amazing sessions in detail. Let's welcome, Mistress J

Chrystal: hi, welcome to big sexy chat. I'm Chrystal. 

Mistress J: And I'm Mistress J 

Chrystal: yay. Welcome Mistress J. So happy to have you here for our ask a Professional Domme whatever you want to ask her night. 

Mistress J: Well, thank you. I'm happy to be here. 

Chrystal: I wanted to welcome to our show. We're so excited to have you. One of our most downloaded shows was about kink and we get a lot of questions about kink and bondage and BDSM and so many different things, and we thought it would be so great to have a pro.

Chrystal: And I just happened to know when she's one of my best friends. Yay. Wow. What a coincidence rinky-dink so tell us, how did you find this? What did you do before. 

Mistress J: So I was a professional photographer. I did mostly weddings and portraits. Then I started doing boudoir photography when that became popular and I was advertising in the Metro and the wave of Chrystal.

Mistress J: If you [00:02:00] remember the wave magazines and men started calling, and what's really funny is my very conservative brother said, why don't you say. Taking them on as clients for photos. And I did it. And at first I was actually really offended because they would call and they would think it was like some kind of sex session.

Mistress J: But then I started taking the male clients and then for some reason they thought there was like dominatrix activity involved. And I was like, okay, we can try. Then I was at a professional networking event and I happened to speak. Uh, hairdresser friend. And she said, Hey, I happen to be a professional dominatrix and I can help you.

Mistress J: So I started working with her then I, you know, the, the war photography arena is very competitive, especially back then when it first started. And I thought maybe I would have a niche with [00:03:00] men doing photos, but really the niche was with being a dog. They didn't really want the pictures. They wanted the sessions.

Mistress J: Imagine that, but the more lucrative yeah. 

Chrystal: Men got, gotta love them. 

Mistress J: And so when they would say, I, you know, I'd like to have a session when they're approaching you that first time to, to set it up. Are they asking for like sexy photos, like boudoir type photos or are they asking to be tied up and had their photos taken?

Mistress J: Well, a little of both. The first, the very first client wanted to be treated like a male model. He had been, as he put it very nerdy, all his life. He had low self esteem. He felt like he was unattractive. He transformed his body and was. Being more competent. And he just wanted that experience of being a model objectified and being told what to do and being told how to undress him and be on [00:04:00] display for the female gates.

Mistress J: And it was a very exciting empowering section. And I took his pictures two more times after that, then I had a guy that wanted pictures in bondage and like with a ball gag and, you know, a dog collar, he actually wanted photos of that. Then around that that's when I started meeting with that friend. And then by coincidence, I had a couple of men who, I wouldn't say they were cross-dressers, but they like to wear panties and they wanted pictures of that.

Mistress J: And there's my cat. She's saying hi. 

Chrystal: Hi Girl Cat! Merf and everybody else get tuned in, Mistress J's cat is 18 19, right? 

Chrystal: Yeah. Girl cat is what she goes by. 

Mistress J: So she's she always knows when I'm doing something other computer 

Chrystal: Girl cat is welcome into the show anytime. That's right. Yeah. I didn't mean to interrupt you.

Chrystal: Cause I don't know if you're, is there something else you [00:05:00] want to say around that, but I remember you doing some photography sessions where men wanted to be dressed up like a bride or I think the word might be in the kink world sissification. 

Mistress J: Yes. And I guess the bride of the ultimate female fantasy aside from like a motherhood type, but yeah.

Mistress J: To dress up as the bride. So that hairdresser friend and I, we did do one where we dressed him up as a bride and we took pictures in the past. Then shortly after that, I had a man come who once a year, he would dress up as a woman and he would get professional session done in Vegas. And then he found me and he came to my studio and I adult him up and took pictures and it really took off from there.

Mistress J: And I thought maybe it was going to be mostly sissification type work, but then the domination. Evolve [00:06:00] very quickly, especially with the help of my friend. 

Chrystal: When I used to own my boutique, we would have men who had come to town. And coming by lingerie and then throw it away.

Chrystal: Yes, I remember. And I used to feel so sad for them that they like to dress in these really pretty things, but they couldn't let their partner or their wife know. And so they would just buy it and throw it away. I'm like, what are you doing? It's not cheap. But then also that, yeah, there used to be also a place here in San Jose.

Chrystal: People could lock their clothes up right at that place on bird avenue. And they could, I'm not sure if she's still around by no, she was a big ally and friend to that community and she really wanted to help them. So they didn't have to put their laundry in the garbage. Yeah, that's cool. 

Merf: I never knew that service existed.

Chrystal: Yeah, it was. I think she had like a beauty shop slash wig store and then she had all these lockers and then people could come and buy a locker room. And they could keep their [00:07:00] stuff there for a years and years if they wanted to, as long as they paid their rent. That's great. So, so amazing and compassionate, you know it's.

Chrystal: Yeah. So Mistress , I know that you practice Bondassage and Elysium. Amongst other things, could you tell our listeners and maybe even Merf what Bondassage and Elysium is? And maybe we could talk a little bit about our friend that created it. 

Mistress J: So it was created by a woman named Jaylene and she is on the coast and she started it as a way to keep her clients deep into a submissive state.

Mistress J: So you are blindfolded, you have headphones and you are lightly tied or tightly tied depending on your preference to the massage table. So you don't see and you don't hear, and you can't really move and you experience sensation, play to music. Some massage and [00:08:00] lots and lots of relaxation touch therapy.

Mistress J: If you're interested in a little bit of backdoor massage, that can happen depending on how extreme you want to be, you can have very extreme spanking, or very likely. It really depends on you. And at the beginning of the session, You know, we talk about that. Like, what should you experience? What do you want to experience?

Mistress J: What are your likes and dislikes? So Elysium is similar to Bondassage that you have the sensory deprivation, but you're not collared. There isn't that domination submissive aspect to it. It's really just a nice massage relaxation session. Find this out of the domination submission aspect, your collared.

Mistress J: There's like a little ritual at the beginning and at the end, 

Chrystal: Merf, doesn't it sound heavenly to be tied up on a table with headphones and [00:09:00] blindfold on, and you just receive all of this touch and impact play that you've negotiated what you would like for an hour or two. Doesn't that sound amazing. 

Merf: That sounds wonderful!

Merf: I was sitting there thinking to myself, like, I need that meet that. 

Chrystal: That's amazing. Yeah. But most of your clients. And probably most of Jaylene's clients, they're going to be typically penis Havers, right? Yes. Okay. 

Mistress J: Yeah. A lot of times, some providers who specialize with people with vaginas. I've had a few clients, but I have to be honest with join us, tend to confuse me.

Chrystal: Yeah. Women are tricky. I know you're probably more used to dealing with them. You're probably just more used to dealing with men. Right. Because that's how you're in your personal life. You are heterosexual and yeah. So do, would you say, do you do 50% Bondassage if 50% Elysium or I know you do other massage as [00:10:00] well.

Chrystal: What's what do you think is your what's the. 

Mistress J: Oh, well, I mostly do Bondassage once in a while. I'll have an Elysium session thrown in. I also do full body central massage and Italian teas. And at the Italian teas is your face up the whole time. Your hands are tied to the massage table and you are teased for however long you choose to see me.

Chrystal: Nice. 

Chrystal: Sounds fun. 

Merf: Yeah. Sounds delightful. 

Merf: I just the idea of being able to really shut everything out, check us. Yeah. Just be surrendered over to somebody sounds like, oh, the real heaven. Yeah. The relief. 

Chrystal: The big sigh. Yeah. That whole idea of being what they call subspace. Right. That seems like, oh, heaven checked out.

Chrystal: Checking out such with the headphones on and know this. Oh yeah. That's gotta be just sounds so relaxing. That more than [00:11:00] anything. I just want to relax. Right. I don't really want it. I don't want to be teased and spanked. Just want to have it to be out of the world and away from my phone and my computer.

Merf: Yeah. Touching sounds delightful as well. Absolutely. 

Chrystal: Yeah. Is that what most of your clients are looking for or do you think . Mistress J, I'm sorry. Besides the kinky part, do you think they're looking for some time to just get out of their head because they have intense jobs. We're here in Silicon valley.

Chrystal: Maybe people are intense. Maybe they're in charge of a lot of things or a lot of people and they just need a time out or is it just everybody all over the spectrum? 

Mistress J: I think everybody all throughout the spectrum, I think men don't have the same relaxation outlets that women have, or they do. Give themselves that permission women can go get a pedicure, a facial, and a massage.

Mistress J: Oh. That sexual massage, even getting your hair done is, you know, self-care in a way, all those kinds of feels like a lot of work, getting your hair done, but [00:12:00] you have permission to do that socially men don't. And I just think the patriarchal gender roles really don't give men that. Safe space to surrender.

Mistress J: So seeing a provider gives them that. And it's amazing how many men, okay. Like, take it, take a man with a foot fetish, for example, he he's, again, my wife, just as an intuitor. Right. I used to, she used to dress me in panties before we were married and then she grew out of it, but I still have this urge. So sometimes they tell their wives that they are going to see a provider.

Mistress J: And sometimes it's like a don't ask. Don't tell. But th there's still that need. And I think in our society, women are lucky that we have that, those outlets going out with the girlfriends and being able to talk about absolutely everything. And what do men talk about sports politics, stock. 

Chrystal: How are you feeling today, Mike?[00:13:00] 

Chrystal: Uh, sometimes like, of course, like everybody have loved owner penis for a couple hours just to try it out and everything, but I, you couldn't pay me enough money to be like, I need to emote. I need to talk. I need to discuss all my feelings. I need to get it out. I need to cry. I need to rage. I need to all that.

Chrystal: And sometimes in public with my friends, I need to talk, I need to talk a topic until it's done. You know, I don't know if men have that. I mean, I'm sure there are some, but it seems tricky for me. It just seems like they don't get to emote as much, but be like you said, the patriarchy doesn't allow them to emote.

Chrystal: Like we tend to emote. 

Mistress J: And I mean, I listened to my brother on the phone he's in sales and I was like, holy cow you're mean to disrespect and yell at each other, all that. 

Chrystal: I would cry. Yeah. I hear men. How they talk to each other at work. I'm like, I, I am so sensitive. I would tell you cry. I would get my feelings hurt.

Mistress J: I think that's why I didn't do very well in the corporate world. I wasn't very tough. So to speak. 

Chrystal: [00:14:00] What do you think Merf, do you think people could probably use more of this in their life, even if there's no sexual touch.

Merf: Absolutely.

Chrystal: Check out.

Merf: Well, I think just the idea of being able to surrender over to somebody that you trust and be able to feel that there is some sort of relief, how you enjoy it, you know, whatever your thing is.

Merf: If you had somebody. Non-judgemental willing to participate and facilitate what it is that you want so that you don't have to think about it. Oh, absolutely. 

Chrystal: You know, a big part of the Domme's job is to nurture her. They're submissive. Right. You're supposed to Mistress J, you're supposed to be concerned about their safety and health while they're with you.

Chrystal: Of course. And before they leave, you need to check in to make sure they're okay. And all that kind of stuff at that. Really one of the Domme's biggest jobs, right. Is to make sure they're submissive is nurtured. 

Mistress J: Yes. So I think in a professional session that is really like [00:15:00] cut down quite a bit. Sure. Yeah. I feel like during the session, I have to be hyper aware one that, like you said, that they're okay, that they're not standing at.

Mistress J: Against the wall, locking their knees and then suddenly thinking which has happened once. Or they have a, like a, let's say they have like a little blister that suddenly starts bleeding. The pre-existing cut. That's w I have to look for that, but also I want them to be having a good time, stay present, stay, present, enjoying the session so that they'll come back then at the end, I've had some people cry.

Mistress J: I think there was a man who. I believe he might have been either hit. I think he had been in a halfway house of some sort, because when I gave him a hug, he just really cried and was like, oh, that was just so nice. Like he had been touched dark for a long time. Also he rode a bike over [00:16:00] and he had on the necklace, the.

Mistress J: Alcoholics anonymous. Sure. So I think there was, he was in some sort of recovery. So seeing a provider gave him some touch that he probably hadn't had in a long time. And I think, you know, people look down on sex workers, but there is such a void in society that it's just not talked about. And I also think.

Mistress J: Again, we can talk about the patriarchy. I think one of the things that is really scary is that here are women that are being empowered by this profession and the ones who are not trafficked or sold or in some sort of slavery. The independents like myself have a lot of power and freedom in their lives.

Mistress J: And I think that's what scares for sure. It's an hour exploited and trafficked in there for helpless, independent, but if you're [00:17:00] independent and in your own boss and make good money and living your life on your terms. Oh my God. That's horrible. 

Chrystal: Great. Do you feel like you've always sort of been more of a dominant person, like personality?

Mistress J: Yeah, I do. And relationship wise, I do. I think about. I was always trying to stick my finger up, my partners butts back in the day. And I didn't know why, but I was holding buts. It's hiking them and being on top, maybe posting their nipples a little bit, being the dominance one sexually. 

Chrystal: Sure. Do you feel that being a pro Domme has helped you in your personal life?

Mistress J: Yeah, it has. I learned to become definitely more assertive and asking for what I want and what my boundaries are. What I need. Do you feel at all drawing the line with the boundaries is the biggest thing, because you have absolute boundaries. I wasn't raised that way. I was raised basically to be a doormat and to accept [00:18:00] any crap that a man gave me and to basically be grateful for any attention for the.

Merf: Gotcha. And so when you apply, you know, the Domme side of that to your life like this, you getting into this career field, did that just flourish for you? Did that really? Like you were looking for a partner that wanted to be submissive or was it just something like, nah, I already do that in my, per my professional life.

Merf: I don't want to bring it home with me. 

Mistress J: I was looking for a partner that would be submissive in the bedroom. Yeah. Maybe because relationship wise, I feel people are equals. Yeah, you might have a role. This one does that, that one does this, but the reality is that people are equals in a relationship and that's, I think the best.

Mistress J: When both people are respected and doing what they love, whatever that is.

Chrystal: what's that term that our ex-friend used to use blue jobs and pink jobs, we're like, what? 

Mistress J: But you know what? If [00:19:00] you enjoy doing the pink job that's what you like and thrive at, then do it. But if you are being told you have to do a pink job simply because of your gender.

Chrystal: Not okay. 

Merf: So I have a question. So tell me about your favorite types of clients. What are they, what do they have specific traits? Is there a specific thing that they request, like, what's your favorite kind of client to get? 

Mistress J: Well, I like being in control. I'd like, there's so many things that I like. I really enjoy putting a man in panties for some reason.

Mistress J: It's very fun to me. I do get a lot of full transformation then that might not be my exact favorite, but just seeing a guy in panties with their cute little butt in their long legs, it's just very fun. And I think it really sets the stage. In some ways it can be either a turn on for them or slightly humiliating in a good way.

Mistress J: But it's just fun. And I bought so many [00:20:00] panties from curvy girl for my lights, and they're usually graphs lists. They open up and things can poke out. Yeah. But 

Chrystal: Dirty whores in the best way possible. 

Merf: And I love a crotchless panty, but I also kind of love seeing a guy have a hard-on with the panties on it's just, there's something really sexy about that.

Chrystal: I think you get clients that want their, they want to worship your feet. Yes. They want you to tickle them. They want you to spank them verbally. I know you're not big on verbal humiliation, maybe a little bit, right? 

Mistress J: A little bit like I'm not really into degrading someone verbally because that's a trigger for me personally, but I love calling someone, you know, a dirty whore cocksucker.

Chrystal: Yeah, but you don't want to do like river when we did that event at the cow palace, and those people are, men were walking around and they had very extra small penises [00:21:00] and Merf. They wanted to be, they wanted us to interact with them and tell them how small their penises were. And I just can't. I just like, oh, you know, do you want to hug?

Chrystal: Like, but that somehow they turned it around. So now that's a turn-on for them to be verbally humiliated by. Small penis. And I just, oh, do people ask you for that, Mistress? 

Mistress J: Yes. And you know, what's funny is I've had men with big penises, want to be teased and have small penis humiliation. Really? Yes. And to have be told that their CA their caucus worthless and they can't please somebody.

Mistress J: And it's like, well, this is pretty good size here. So they can, it seems to be working, but all right, crazy. If people are so complicated, it's interesting. As I really think like, Humiliation. Degredation also like the slut fantasy to how they overlap. So I have a friend who called, who is very much a feminist, and she tried to tell me that I [00:22:00] should not do sissification sessions or put men in panties because they're degraded women in some sort of way.

Mistress J: And I was trying to tell her that no, that's not the case. So you have a man who wants a music man. Like, because most of my clients are cis-gendered men. Very good. That's who I attract. So if they want to dress up like a woman and be treated like a dirty, like the slutty girl, That, you know, we traditionally, we grew up with that fence.

Mistress J: They want to be treated that way. Well, in some ways they saw her as being empowered sexually, and they want to experience what that's like to have all that lust thrown at them because that's another thing I don't think a lot of men feel the lust thrown at them that women. All the time, whether we want it or not.

Chrystal: Most of the time we don't, I have a very vivid memory when I [00:23:00] was about 16 years old walking into school. And you know, how men drive by young girls and do, and say their weird gross stuff sometimes. And I remember this of course identified as being fat in six when I was 16. I wasn't, but I that's how I thought I was.

Chrystal: And so I remember these guys driving by like in a. Camaro or something saying something to me. And I was thinking, but I remember thinking that on that I can record it right where I was by the football field too. This is whoa. It's really powerful thing I have here. Like, I didn't really realize this, that exact moment where I was like, wow, she's, you know, here I am, this young girl doesn't know what the hell I'm doing.

Chrystal: I have braces and glasses and I consider myself fat and still this man. Said something sexual to me in which I, oh, no, of course I wasn't complimented by it, but I just remember having that feeling like, whoa, wow. This is a lot of power. It's a lot of crazy, but yeah. So you do feel for women, at least [00:24:00] with my experience with my friends, it seems.

Chrystal: We learned at a really young age that we're very, wow. People are wanting us right now. Like at that very sort of objectified. Yes. And I don't think men get that a lot. They just, unless they have a partner like me, that will objectify them. 

Mistress J: Yeah. And I think very few men, like you have to be like exceptional looking to have all that lust like, or a celebrity. Women are throwing their panties at you on stage. 

Chrystal: Yeah. George Clooney. 

Merf: Yeah, I said Tom Jones. And you said George Clooney, 

Chrystal: Tom Jones. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. I try to explain to my clients and my friends, you know, how much power you have when you own a vagina, very powerful thing. And you get to make all the rules because yeah.

Chrystal: You have that commodity that they want. Right. So, Yeah, I think probably men do miss out on that a little bit. It is, it's fun sometimes in the right scenario, but I don't want somebody driving by and saying something to me that's [00:25:00] F and scary. Actually, I don't realize if men realize how scary it is for us when people are yelling from a car like, oh, I'm frightened.

Chrystal: Who knows what they're going to do next, you know? Yeah. Yeah. 

Merf: And I think that, you know, the social construct of. Men have to always kind of be in control. Like they always have to have everything figured out. And so to have a session where I get to, you know, indulge in whatever that, that fantasy is. And also it's a controlled, safe environment has to be very, I'd imagine, be very freeing and also be very pleasurable just to the concept of it.

Merf: I'm safe. I'm in a really comfortable spot and I'm getting to feel lustful and lusted after, or, you know, whatever that, whatever their request is, I can imagine. It's just gotta be wow. Just it's worth whatever, like yes, take my money. 

Chrystal: Right. Yeah. You know, it's [00:26:00] gotta be great. So what's the number one kink that people ask for foot fetish people tickle people.

Mistress J: People like, butt play, I don't want to offend any of your listeners, but yeah, I think that's really exciting for people. 

Chrystal: As I like to call it. The culo. The anus has 8,000 nerve endings. It's an equal opportunity hole. Everybody gets 8,000 or around there, so there's all lot. Pleasure to be had from that area of the body.

Chrystal: And also the taint, the Gooch. I know lots of pleasure there too. So why not indulged, especially if your partner at home doesn't want to do it, or I don't know. 

Merf: I was thinking of cis-gendered man, if that's the majority of your clientele. Yeah. That makes sense to me, that anal play would be one of the top requests, just because like we, like, we've talked about, you know, it's controlled, safe environment.

Merf: Non-judgment. [00:27:00] I'm paying you for a service. I get to lower my inhibitions and do you know, whatever I feel would bring me the most pleasure as long as you've consented to all those things. That makes sense. 

Mistress J: So some other partners, well, my clients say their partners are just not into it. I often wonder.

Mistress J: Well, did you really ask and if you asked, did you only ask one time, right. Because I've had clients ask, well, how do I broach this with my partner, whatever it is ask once, but then also ask again and explain, because you've thought about this for so many years for you've pondered, this you've contemplated it you've figured it out inside of.

Mistress J: You can't just throw it at her Mo cause mountains, mostly at her and expect her to just okay. Without her thinking about. Okay, let her think about it. And she wanted it like you did, and talk about it, having an open conversation and it's okay. 

Chrystal: It keeps coming back to that huh, Merf? Yep. [00:28:00] Communication is lubrication.

Merf: We said that in tandem. Yeah, it really is. And I agree. I think not only do people not have those conversations likely, but when they do, are they coming back to it or are they doing it when it's at the right content? Is it sometime where somebody is going to just be like, no, leave me alone. I don't want... 

Mistress J: And also the right time, you're in the middle of doing three loads of laundry and archaic.

Mistress J: No. Yeah. 

Chrystal: I'll put something up your ass. Yeah. It's so funny. But I'm guessing that even like for your sessions, it's also about communication because they need to be clear, right? Exactly what they, what their boundaries are there? Hard limits. And then you can, you know, you have to negotiate with that with them before your appointment, right?

Mistress J: Yeah. 

Mistress J: And then I go over it a little bit when they get there, like about five minutes or so. And people I don't see are the ones who say, oh, I have no [00:29:00] limits and I don't want you to use the safe word on me. It's like, okay, well, I think you're just a talker because everyone has a limit, right? Somewhere there's a limit somewhere.

Mistress J: You could be super extreme, but there's a limit. 

Chrystal: I always read about men, CIS men, I guess mostly we're looking for providers. Is it true that sometimes your clients just want to be touched? They just are craving some touch. Do they need to be cuddled and hugged and spooned? Do they, what, like, are they, do they surprise you?

Chrystal: Sometimes they want to talk more than they want you to spank them or whatever. 

Mistress J: I've never had a session where all we did was talk. Okay. I've had clients talk during the session and not dirty talk like, fuck. Yeah. Interesting. And I do think people are touched star. Sure. People who are not in relationships or maybe some people are in affection [00:30:00] list relationships.

Mistress J: Right. And they're living like roommates. Oh yeah. I know some relationships can become sexless, but there's still affection. But then there are relationships that are affection lists. And I think that is really hard to walk away from if, if there are kids and a lot of kids and property involved, when they're staying with, for some reason, I've had people talk about their marriages and I've said, well, If it's this bad, why won't you get divorced?

Mistress J: And it's usually because of kids. 

Chrystal: It's a terrible reason because kids watch how to have a relationship by watching your relationship. So if they see a relationship where you're not, you know, penny each other on the butt and pecking each other on the cheek and being playful and being say, nice things to one another, they're learning from you.

Chrystal: So if they're learning that you don't touch each other, you don't say nice things to each other. That's how they're going to have a relationship in the future. Plus, they get a [00:31:00] lot of good things. 

Chrystal: Yeah. Therapy is very expensive. 

Chrystal: Yeah. It's worth every penny though. I'm always curious. How do people get these kinks?

Chrystal: Why do they want to be tickled? Or why do they want to be dressed as a bride? Why do they want to be, why are they into feet? Like, do you ever learn from these people why or where these kinks came from? 

Mistress J: Yeah. And it's interesting how so much happened. When you're young. So I had a typical client. Was it like, I think it was about two weeks ago.

Mistress J: And he said he had an older neighbor. He was about nine or 10 and she was like 14 or whatever. And she would overpower him, sit on him and tickle him. And it aroused him in some way to the foot. Fetish was just like looking at. His mom and aunties feet under the tables. Like they pretty feet. I [00:32:00] think a lot of lingerie panty-wearing fetishes come from seeing their mom's underwear.

Mistress J: It's silky. It saw it feels good. What do men get? Cotton jockeys types of blood. They have boxer briefs. Now there's a lot of to here, but man, tighty whities, that was all guys had men look ridiculous in them. Horrible. 

Merf: I was just going to share the mental health aspect of it has fascinated me, you know, with just wanting to know the story.

Merf: And do you have to have, is it a true fetish? Like, do you have to have it to have any kind of evacuation or, or orgasm or, you know, that sort of thing. And just, I, I think that I would get so wrapped up in all of that. I don't think I'd ever make a good Domme because. Where did this come from? 

Merf: Tell me more about 

Mistress J: you'd have your niche client 

Merf: I'm sure I would. 

Merf: A therapist, Domme. That would be... 

Chrystal: I think there's quite a few out there. 

Mistress J: Well, I went to a therapist that [00:33:00] was a kink I look for a kink friendly. That's what I was looking for. One absolutely. Who also dealt with children. Addicts. So I was like very specific and there were quite a few. 

Chrystal: Yes. I remember you used to go sometimes so late at night.

Chrystal: Right. Cause you, she couldn't get you in. Yeah. Yeah. So when Merfy, you can maybe speak to this more when we're like zero to two. I know we take a lot of information in and we develop a lot of things that are going to be with us for a long time. Right. Those are very formative years. Do you know, like when do we.

Chrystal: When do humans develop their sort of like their sexual map, their sexual imprint, or I don't know what the right word is, but there's gotta be some phase in our life, like zero to 10 or something. Those things are being developed. 

Merf: Well, we do go through a fairly, I mean, I don't want to get to therapy in here, but there's Erickson stages of development.

Merf: And so as you're going through development, there's kind of like this play on, [00:34:00] you know, your parents and the figures that you have in your life. And. In that, in that developmental stage, you can sort of have this, the shift where you can start to see like behaviors or traits that are going to be important later on in that person's life.

Merf: As long as they're in that environment, pretty consistently they'll start to develop those types of whatever it may be. You know, it may be. Enjoying looking at, you know, feet or, you know what, however it may present itself. But usually, there's some event that takes place that trigger something and it's consistent enough that's happening in that environment so that it becomes more of a kink or a fetish.

Chrystal: My therapist told me also that people love familiarity. So when you're looking for a new relationship, Or a first relationship you're going to look for things in that partner that feels familiar to you based on your childhood, your home, when you were small, you're all [00:35:00] those things that you learned.

Chrystal: You're going to keep looking for that. If it's healthy, it's cool. If it's not healthy, more therapy to get away from that, it's like, ah, So true, right?

Merf: Yeah. I think that's one thing that parents don't always think about is that how much they're there. Like you said, you know, the walking around and smacking them on the butt or giving a kiss on the cheek or those types of things.

Merf: If you're in an environment where you don't feel safe or you see something really negative regularly happening, it's going to distort those normal stages of development where you would say, Ooh, that's a red flag kind of behavior. I shouldn't have like. Instead, you're going to be like, oh, that's the only way I saw love.

Merf: So then I'm going to try to replicate that. 

Chrystal: Yeah. Yeah. But there's 1,000,001 different kinds of fetishes. Right. We, we will never know the reason for most people have a fetish that they have. I mean, I don't feel like I have any fetishes by definitely have some preferences, you know, and some of those have developed, I think, more in adulthood as I've tried.

Chrystal: But, you know, like, I really didn't [00:36:00] like getting spanked when I was a kid. Okay. I hated I was pissed me off, but now I'm like, huh. Sometimes it's kind of fun, especially if the endorphins are going right and naps too, as they say, right? Like all the things you didn't want when you were a kid spankings and naps.

Chrystal: Now you're like, please make me, let me take a nap. How, what's your average length of your client's appointments with you, Mistress J 

Mistress J: 90 minutes, which is good. I like tap out at two hours, I used to offer three and for certain people I'll still do that, but it's really intense for me, I think because I am definitely an empath.

Mistress J: So I take on a lot of the feelings, the energy and the energy, and it's a tense. Yeah, I don't even have that listed on my website anymore, the three hours. 

Chrystal: Right. 

Merf: Do you ever feel like some people utilize that as a session with you as a form of therapy? 

Mistress J: Yes and no. It was when I think of therapy, I think about the therapy that, you know, the talk therapy that I went through, I think it's healing and [00:37:00] empowering.

Mistress J: So in that respect, it's therapeutic, but to fully replace a traditional therapist, 

Merf: Yeah. I was thinking in terms of like processing. So if somebody was really kind of stuck on an issue or maybe didn't feel accepted in some way. Yeah. How that could feel like, oh, Hey, and I'm getting the Liberty to do this.

Merf: This is I'm able to now think in a different way, because I've now had access to this type of behavior that I wanted to experience. That's it's fascinating to me. 

Mistress J: Yeah. And I've had people thank me and say something very similar to what you just said. Oh. Felt so liberated. I felt like the safe to be able to express this.

Mistress J: Thank you so much. And you know, it opens up a different door in their head. Yeah. 

Chrystal: I mean, I'm sure too, it can help people with their creativity as well. Cause if you think about you're in your own life, when you have those experiences, like an amazing massage or an amazing orgasm or an amazing place session with your partner, you kind of feel tired, exhausted, but also revved up.

Chrystal: Right. And [00:38:00] then create it. 

Mistress J: You take the rest and then you can go back and tackle. I know personally, if I'm feeling really stuck and stagnated, and it's just so stressful that you have a really nice orgasm and then you're like, oh, well you rest a little bit. And then you can go get up and tackle more stuff with enthusiasm and creativity.

Mistress J: It's just that release. 

Chrystal: Totally. So is it fun to have your feet worshiped for 90 minutes? Because that sounds so good to me. 

Mistress J: It took me awhile to enjoy it, I, I really had to, I personally had to overcome the thought of my toes in somebody else's mouth in this. Now I remember Chrystal me telling you about this and you were like, oh, that would be heaven.

Mistress J: And for me it was like, oh, now I like it now. I think it, I had to overcome, so I had to overcome like the slime and it was like, and then I was thinking, is this guy going to be bored for 90 minutes right now? Like, well, no, he's not [00:39:00] bored. Cause this is what he wants to do. Yeah. And so then I make it fun for myself.

Mistress J: I, I personally like chest hair. So if they have chest hair, I'll run my toes through the chest hair and just rub my feet all over their body, which I think is really fun. Like I use my feet as hands smart. You guys get creative? I get to sit down the whole time. Oh yeah. 

Chrystal: I mean, I always just say big girls.

Chrystal: Our dogs are barking, so we need our foot rubs. 

Mistress J: So we can't get enough. I was like brought the ball of the foot, get that arm. Oh 

Chrystal: yeah. Or like my heels squeezed all from the sides. Love that. Since I know you personally, I happen to know your age. I'm not going to say what it is, but I know you're not 22. And I also see you fairly often in person, and I know you're not a size zero.

Chrystal: Do those things that you are a little more mature and you're a little curvier. Do you do those help your business or do you feel like it's [00:40:00] a problem for your clients? Or do you think they're looking for that or do they care? 

Mistress J: Well, I think a lot of clients are looking for mature providers a lot, and it's amazing how many younger guys in their twenties are looking for mature providers.

Mistress J: I think it's that experience aspect. A woman knows what she wants. I've had clients who are impeccable shape and I'm like, why would they see me? I think we, as women were sold a bill of goods that we have to look a certain way, and we all know those. We have to look a certain way and only the, that you'd be amazed at how many men really enjoy a curvaceous figure, especially in the kink world.

Mistress J: Uh, and that's the other thing that has become really empowering for me is, you know, I, my mom was body shamed by her own family for a long time. And they would like use fear tactics in me. Don't be like, your mom don't turn out like [00:41:00] her, you will get anybody. Well, that's just not true. I think there are men who like absolutely all different types and they look specifically for older.

Mistress J: Women with nice boobs, a nice butts good curvaceous. And. Then there are those who don't. Sure. So, you know, my phone constantly rings and I have provider friends who are older than me and their phone rings. So I think it's an ageless industry. We w we both know Chrystal and I both know about gal who was in her seventies and she was still getting clients.

Chrystal: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Lots of them, a lot. A lot of, I hope I helped some, some other pro Domme's with their social media and stuff, and many of them are in there. So it seems like there's a lot of longevity in this particular career, which is awesome. And also contrary to the Western beauty ideal, right? You have to be young in 22, the tiny waist and big boobs and size four foot shoe.

Chrystal: And [00:42:00] that's just not the case and Merf, and I both know this because neither one of us had been alone on a Saturday night unless we wanted to beat right. Yeah, it's not a problem. It's easy peasy actually sometimes too easy. 

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Chrystal: What can people who are not so kinky, what can we learn from a professional dump?

Chrystal: What kind of skills could we learn from you that will help our sex? Our sex lives. 

Mistress J: I'll make, you're going to laugh Chrystal, but make a list of what it is you want and ask for it. If there's something you [00:43:00] don't want to do say you don't want to do it. Establish boundaries. It's okay. And if your partner doesn't appreciate that then that's probably not the partner for you. Easier said than done. I know it's really hard to leave somebody you care about, but if it's not usually, if those needs aren't being met, there's also other needs that aren't being met as well. So it's not always just about like the kink and sex if something's not being met, but you can really assert yourself kindly and get exactly what you want. 

Chrystal: I agree everybody should have a fuck-it list. 

Mistress J: Yeah.

Merf: Absolutely. 

Chrystal: A Fuck-it bucket list. You know, I remember what I was going to say a moment ago. I'm going to go back to that topic real quick and, Merf, if I was curious, if you, have you ever experienced this?

Chrystal: When I was dating where people who are big time, bodybuilders are looking to go out with fat chicks and there were so many of them and I've talked to other women about it. They go, yeah. What is that about these people that spent all these [00:44:00] hours in the gym looking like, you know, whatever, they're trying to become a professional weightlifter model thing.

Chrystal: And then they want to date me. I'm like, I don't know where that comes from, but have you heard of that, Merf?

Merf: Uh, yeah. I've, I've seen it. I've had it happen. Yeah. I think it's part of, well, I think it could be a lot of things, but sure. I think one of the main things is it's so you're the opposite of me. Right? So it's almost like that.

Merf: And so here's somebody who doesn't have to do any of that and is completely opposite of me.

Merf: And so there's like this fascination almost of. You know, it's like, you're getting to explore the dark side of that. You know, you're the alien. Yeah. You're the just strange, like, huh? The what? The, how is this possible? Cause for them, yeah, like that world is, they don't step outside of that bodybuilding stuff.

Merf: They're dieting 24 7.

Mistress J: And exercising when they're tired and exercising when they're sick ... 

Merf: Yeah, well, [00:45:00] just like the supplements and the, I mean, they're just, everything's so timed. 

Merf: Somebody who's just like, I'm not going to be on a diet. I'm going to eat what I feel like my body needs and I'm going to exercise or have movement when I feel joy or when I want to do, that's just like completely in the other end of the spectrum for them.

Chrystal: What happens to their brain when they're cycling like that?

Chrystal: Sometimes they, they don't drink water just so their veins will pop out more. That's so bad for you and your brain. Like I have to eat food that cause you know, I'm an electrologist in real life when I'm not podcasting and I need my brain to work and my eyesight to work really well. And I can't be restricting.

Mistress J: It's a control thing. It's definitely a control thing

Mistress J: I had a personal trainer. That was really into that. And like the not drinking of the water was just on show day. And he even said, Hey, this is not sustainable. You can't live like this all the time. You can only train, like he would train for X amount of months. I don't know. And then that went, when he was done with the show, it was like, ah, [00:46:00] I think it's, it's like the old you could control your body.

Mistress J: You can control. This is what, and some people really like that. 

Chrystal: Yeah. People that are addicted to dieting, like they told me they were addicted to tightening because they liked the control. It gives them, it feels like control to them, even though you, and I know we all know it's not, but in their own mind it feels like, oh, they're in control now because they're controlling the calories that go in.

Mistress J: Yeah, it can be okay. It can definitely become a huge disorder. 

Merf: Well, obsessive compulsive disorder is really about, you know, being able to control or feel like you have control of things that you don't really have control of.

Merf: Right. It's magical thinking. And so I think that all of these things are, they all kind of have these interwoven threads, you know, where they all just say, oh, disordered eating and restriction and, oh, just a compulsive. And it just keeps kind of flowing through. And the more. You engage in those behaviors, the more you can swing into another mental illness.

Chrystal: Yeah. I there's two last things I want to talk about. First of all, I want to [00:47:00] know how this has helped you in your personal life mistress. And also we want to hear all about the fun stuff you have in your playroom toys and other accoutrement. 

Mistress J: Well, it's helped me become more empowered. Definitely. Care what people think.

Mistress J: I usually don't really care that whole, you know, oh my gosh, do they like me? Not so much. I've learned that, that, so I was raised like, oh, you know, from black. Oh my gosh, you have to snatch a guy and hang on to him. Even if he's worthless, like, okay, well there's planning, there's planning. Dick is plentiful.

Mistress J: And I see so many women are not talking to. Yeah, or they're really not. And that's, what's so sad that that deck really is plentiful. You can be in a profession like this and be in a very stable, loving relationship. If you want, you can have a normal, horrible family life and do something like this. I really have learned that you [00:48:00] can, once you figure out exactly how you want to live.

Mistress J: As long as you are clear and ask for it, you can get anything you want. 

Chrystal: It's good to learn how to ask for what you want. Right? A lot of women and men too, it's hard for them to ask for what they want. And I guess I just, it took me a little while in my age to get older,

Chrystal: It's very powerful once you learn how to do it. 

Mistress J: Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I look back and go where those years wasted, not really. 

Chrystal: Sometimes you learn what not to do and yeah... 

Mistress J: that's a huge thing. And you learn what you don't want, which is huge and learning what you do want. 

Chrystal: Right. Very big. And it's very powerful and it's. You have to, like, we talked about this before a good communication shops when you want to have, if you want to have a loving, secure relationship, and you're not like I got to lose 20 pounds so I can land a man.

Chrystal: You know, my goal is to get married this year. Like this is the dumbest goal. How about make a goal? I want to meet somebody really amazing, and I want to have a very full [00:49:00] relationship. Fully realized and fully actually like, just like, ah, but not have a goal to get married or whatever. We're land demand.

Mistress J: You can marry any old guy. 

Chrystal: Dude, right? No thanks. So tell us all the good stuff. What do you got? What do you got? Kind of fuckers Merf and I both have a lot of fun stuff, but I think you probably trump what we got. 

Mistress J: I don't think so. Well, I had one of my favorites that I only use on special occasions of people can handle it is I have a, what I call a, either a fuck saw or a drill dough.

Mistress J: It's an actual drill. From a Milwaukee drill that if I put a blade on it, I could tear down the walls and it has a Doc Johnson dildo on it. I use that. I used to have a St Andrew's cross, but when I bought this house, I didn't put it up because everyone wants to come over now and stay over at my house.

Mistress J: So I have pegs in the wall. And I have hollowed [00:50:00] out shelves that go over the pegs. So what I have to vanilla is my playroom. So I'm really proud of that. I feel very MacGyver, like yeah, somebody thought of that. I have lots of paddles and floggers and lots of things that vibrate different sizes. I have a mirror that I still those on and I make it a glory hole.

Mistress J: If somebody wants to practice their throat techniques. So I call it like my makeshift glory hole and I have lots of shoes and lingerie and wigs makeup. 

Chrystal: Don't you have a swing as well. 

Mistress J: Oh, yeah the sling how could I forget? Oh, bustling and the spanking slide. That's bench that's right? Yeah. So the slang was a gift from somebody and my, my kinky handyman hooks up on the wall and what's funny is the fan, the ceiling fan [00:51:00] can be on.

Mistress J: So the requirements were one that the hooks have to be in the. But also that the fan can be on in the summer. That also is a little scary that I have the fan going while you're in the slang. It is pretty cool. So of course he figured that out and then I have a, a spanking bench. The same handyman had to lower the legs because I have really short legs and that's just fun because people can, you know, kind of kneel on it, but they're comfortable.

Mistress J: Yeah. And it's also the perfect height. If there's any backdoor play, amazing how that works. 

Chrystal: Wasn't there like a Pogo stick kind of purchased recently. I thought I saw a photo. 

Mistress J: So the Pogo stick has a, I have so many things I forget I have on my mind. 

Chrystal: I'm so intrigued by them. 

Mistress J: Yeah. The Pogo stick, you know what a Pogo stick is, right.

Mistress J: You know, where you jump up and down. Well, instead of jumping up and down, there is a special attachment. It was something on it. I can [00:52:00] go in the front or the back. Yeah. I've had a nap today and was dreaming about this. 

Mistress J: I'm going to try to dream about it tonight. 

Merf: Seems like it'd be a lot of fun 

Chrystal: where Merf and I are both open to trying everything at least once.

Chrystal: Right. Merf? 

Merf: Pretty much. Yeah. 

Chrystal: Merf has a unicorn with a kind of like the, 

Merf: The saddle. It's like, kind of thing. 

Mistress J: Yeah. You know, then he used to have the Chrystal. You probably know this from your, your days. Do you remember the, I lived that the harmony hall. They used to have one with the stick. They don't make them anymore.

Mistress J: Maybe it wasn't a very comfortable state. 

Merf: It didn't look like it was, I know like talking about him. 

Mistress J: Yeah, it was awesome. So I bought something with a stick. I gets, oh, an inflatable that a squatting. And [00:53:00] I just think that the sticks are uncomfortable. So it's like, you're like, this is a piece of job, a machine, the love bot kind of fricking machine.

Mistress J: Yeah. And that thing was top heavy. So like, it would always fall feel sad. It was sad because it was also costly. So then I'm like, well, if I have to sit there and hold this thing up, I might as well just buy an actual drill. Right, right. And it was actually less money, but sturdier and it does the job and you know, it can be used on both men and women. 

Chrystal: And you could write all these toys off. Yeah, you probably don't, but I know you can. 

Mistress J: Some people are afraid of audits. 

Chrystal: Yeah. And it's yeah, right. Yeah. It's hard to, cause I bought one of those machines, you know, at the end of one year I needed a big write-off and it was like a $1,500 machine, but you have to remember that, you know, your tax, person's going to see everything.

Chrystal: And I'm like, yeah, [00:54:00] she says, 

Mistress J: okay, itemized her seats. Sorry. 

Merf: I said, let me see those itemized receipts!

Chrystal: Exactly. I was like, oh, sorry. Merf. Do you have any more questions for Mistress j? 

Merf: I don't. I just, I mean, I'm sure I could think of a gazillion. We've kept you long enough. Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much for your time.

Mistress J: Well, think this loads of fun. 

Merf: I think we're going to need a second episode. 

Chrystal: Yeah. 

Chrystal: We might need you to come back in a few months. 

Mistress J: Okay. Yeah. If people want me back I'll be happy to come back. 

Chrystal: And I'll share all of your awaits to connect with you. Your website is mistress j.com right now, Mistress J studios, Mistress J studios. Right. And. And it's actually, Mistress j studios is pretty cool because she does have some blog articles and photos of some of her clients that allowed her to photograph them and shoot, you know, she of course blocks out the things that would be. If they want you, I mean, some of them want to be like objectified, right? They want you, they want to know they want the world to know [00:55:00] who they are, because that gets them off as well.

Chrystal: But some of her clients, I know she has to kind of keep it more private, who they are. 

Mistress J: I only photograph people who want to be photographed. Yes, of course. Of course. Yeah. They allow me to blog about them. And I also think that's a bit of a turn-on well, the entire world is looking at my lower half. And it's like okay.

Chrystal: Cause sometimes even want you to tweet it out and stuff too. Right. They want you to put them on. Oh, yeah, yeah. 

Chrystal: Dirty whores. 

Mistress J: And they like, so during the session, if we agree to that, we come up with a name, like a nickname, like Bob, so to speak or Texas Tim, and they know who that person is. So they're like, yeah, she's talking about me.

Chrystal: We'll give them a hashtag. Yeah. That's great. How fun you must be exhausted at the end of your Workday though.

Mistress J: I'm fired up and other days, it depends on the session and what I'm doing. Also, it depends on how much cleanup there is, if that makes [00:56:00] sense. Cause you know, I mean, everyone has a life and in some days you're feeling better than others and you have other things going on. You know, I have a 19 year old cat.

Mistress J: Sometimes she wakes me up. I don't sleep well. 

Chrystal: Yeah. Yeah. But you stay busy, you stay very busy with your clients and the pandemic. Not so great. Just for like yeah. Like me too. Can't really do your job during a pandemic. So that was hard. I know, but it seems like your businesses back my businesses back, I do electrolysis.

Chrystal: So I'm booked out through it through August. And I know you stay very booked too, which is awesome. And you love your job, which I love. It's so fun to so fun to have dinner or lunch with her Merf. Cause she has the best story. She really loves what she's doing, you know, you could totally tell. 

Merf: Oh, I, I, yeah, absolutely.

Merf: I can imagine. 

Chrystal: Sometimes there's going to be a Domme to us. We'd be like beat everybody. 

Merf: I was going to say, I'd probably leave lunch or whatever, being like, who can I smack? Or what can I, what can I be in charge of? 

Chrystal: Thank you so much, Mistress J, we really appreciate your time. [00:57:00] 

Mistress J: You're very welcome. Well thanks everybody.

Chrystal: Was this your first podcast?

Mistress J: It is.

Chrystal: Oooh, we took your... 

Chrystal: I hate that word, but everybody, I won't say it, but I'm so glad we could be your first. 

Mistress J: Yes. 

Merf: Absolutely. 

Chrystal: See you later alligator!

Merf: After, while crocodile 

Merf: so where do you find your favorite fatties? 

Merf: We'll check out bigsexychat.com. You can find our podcast on and any major streaming service.

Merf: Just remember to like subscribe and review. 

Merf: You can find us at big, sexy chat on Facebook and Insta and at big sexy chat pod on Twitter, you can find me. At Merfy girl review on twitter and at Merfy girl adventures on Instagram, Chrystal, 

Merf: tell them where they can find you. 

Merf: Sure they can find me on Twitter at Bliss Connection.

Merf: And they can find me on Facebook as curvygirlinc. 

Merf: Download us every other Sunday. And listen, whenever you want. .