Big Sexy Chat BSC Ep. 4
Big Sexy Chat Podcast with Chrystal & Merf
Chrystal: [00:00:00] Hi, welcome to big sexy chat! I'm Chrysta
Merf: I'm Merf.
Chrystal: We're just two rad fatties sitting around chewing the fat. Twice a month we will be chatting all about current events, hot topics, sex, sex toys, relationships about politics, cannabis CBD. You name it. We're going to talk about it. We're really excited to have you part of our community. Welcome and enjoy!
Chrystal: Hi, welcome to big sexy chat. I'm crystal Murph and welcome to our fat community. We're so happy to have you here with all of us.
Chrystal: We're going to talk a little bit about current events today, and I want to talk about. 80 Brandt who I love. And adore. Did you watch shrill when she was on shrill?
Merf: No, I don't have hulu. It's the one streaming service. I don't have.
Chrystal: It was so good. It's totally worth the watch. Well, you've probably heard about the fat pool party.
Merf: Yes.
Chrystal: Oh, that's quite controversial in our community. Anyway, I want to talk. Aidy Bryant. Cause I saw her on Stephen Colbert last [00:01:00] week and I'm very excited. She's on a new show called human resources. And I guess it's a spinoff of something called big mouth and you probably know a big mouth and you might even know human resources.
Chrystal: Cause I know you kind of geek out on that kind of stuff, right?
Merf: Yeah.
Chrystal: Yeah. Okay. So yeah, you and you want our editor too, but anyway, so Aidy was talking about on Stephen Colbert, how she's in this new show, she's voicing a character. In this show called human resources and she plays a lady bug, I believe.
Chrystal: And I'm so excited. It's just also celebrating her 10th anniversary on Saturday night live. And I love her on SNL. She's amazing. I guess Lauren Michaels discovered her when she was on second city and she, right. Yeah. And he fell in love with her. Like the rest of us fell in love with her. She's so great.
Chrystal: And that got me to thinking a little bit about this show that they cast Renee Zellweger in it. And the show is called that thing about Pam. [00:02:00] And I don't know if you saw this in the news, but they cast Renee Zellweger and they had her put on a fat suit.
Merf: Ah,
Chrystal: It's so awful. Come on. It's 2022. Can't you just hire a fat actor. There are so many.
Merf: And Renee zellweger is so terrified of being fat. Then I know it's just, it perpetuates this horrible narrative over and over again.
Chrystal: Yeah, didn't she gained 30 pounds for Bridget Jones diary and it was like a big deal.
Chrystal: Then she lost her 30 pounds. Yeah.
Merf: And she's always struggled with, I think, some sort of eating disorder or something.
Chrystal: Yeah. Anyway, I was just really annoyed by that. Wearing a fat suit is I'm going to say it's akin to going out in blackface. Yeah, it's just. And there's plenty of fat actresses or actors in this case, obviously they need to cast a woman. But I started thinking about all the fat actors. Okay. We know [00:03:00] about Melissa McCarthy, she gets all the roles. We know about Bridget Everett, cause she's in that show that we love. There's so many more though. And Renee, Zellweger's not one of them. Nicole Byer, the comedian. Have you seen her a Netflix show?
Chrystal: She's so funny. Lizzo . Katie Bates. Camryn Manheim. Mindy Kaling.
Chrystal: There's so many why didn't they just cast one of them. Why didn't they cast Aidy Bryant? She could have done this role. Why do they do that? It's so gross.
Merf: So incredibly frustrating. And just like you said, it's check the vibe there. The world right now is saying, can we please have authenticity? And we, that doesn't mean you get to leave fat people out of that,
Chrystal: right? Yes. Yes they are. Yeah. The world is good at leaving fat people and trans people out of everything pretty much. And you know, black and brown people too.
Chrystal: Of course, I'm going to read to you a little bit about this show human resources, because Merf, since you work in a mental health, this just sounds like so [00:04:00] up your alley to me. And it sounds really, really funny, too. I was like, oh, I'm going to probably like this as well, but I just did the screenshots from the internet from that crazy thing called the internet.
Chrystal: And I love that. It's about apparently like mental wellness. And you said something to me that made me think about this the other day too, but this one reminded me of it. This workplace comedy pulls back the curtain on the daily lives of hormone monsters, depression kitties, shame, wizards, and other creatures that help humans journey through every aspect of life from puberty to parenthood, to the toilet years.
Chrystal: And the voices are Nick Kroll, Ali Wong, Kiki Palmer, whom I love and Aidy Bryant.
Chrystal: Yay. Have you ever watched big mouth?
Merf: I've seen some of the songs. So they have songs that are you know, woven into the cartoon. I have not actually seen an episode. It's in my queue of many things to watch,[00:05:00] but I've heard nothing but fabulous fun things.
Chrystal: It sounds really fun. It's on Netflix. I guess it just started the human resources is a spinoff of big mouth and human resources just launched on Netflix, I think this past week
Merf: Well, she kind of already has.
Chrystal: Has she?
Merf: She has, have you heard of there, her new show on Amazon Prime?
Chrystal: Where they're going to be inviting fat girls to come dance with her.
Merf: Yes, it's called watch out for the big girls and girls. It's a reality dance show competition. Nice. It's the people who win. I don't know if there's going to be multiple winners, but they get to go on tour with Lizzo as her backup dancers.
Chrystal: Oh my goodness. How fun would that be?
Merf: Yeah, I mean, you get a whole new life. It's not oh, you win, you know, something at the end of it. And some money you get a whole new life. That's so exciting.
Chrystal: Oh man. Just for the opportunity to meet Missy Elliot. I would give my left hand probably.
Merf: Cool man. Well, and the outfits. Like every, everything that I've seen is like these really bright colored, like very like skin showing [00:07:00] all over the place and like really cool fabrics. And I'm just like, yes, I love this.
Chrystal: It's going to be fantastic. I love Lizzo. She seems very authentic and I know, I know some people get a little bit like, you know, because like she didn't start this, you know, fat liberation, body love movementThat was amazing.
Merf: Absolutely. And you know, when, when people say things like that, it just irritates the hell out of me because. You have a beautiful fat black woman. There's never been a time where she's ever had. Gender race. Everything has ever had a time where they were in the spotlight. So if they're [00:08:00] upset that she's getting too much attention you can GMY.
Chrystal: Yeah, totally. It's silly. I know it's obviously, you know, she didn't start the movement and I think she would be the first person to tell you that anyway. But yeah, let's be happy because it's, it is it's normalizing our bodies and it's normalizing that we can be backup dancers. We can be the lead we're really fit. Sometimes we can March and dance all over the stage while playing a flute and singing and. You know, it's just because we're fat, doesn't make us unhealthy. So I think it normalizes all those things and I love her. I love her energy.
Chrystal: She seems really fun. I'm like, gosh, imagine how fun it would be to hang out with her.
Merf: It'd be the best. I'd stay up past 9:00 PM.
Chrystal: Me too. Yes. Yeah. It's nice to see you. And I wish Aidy would get more roles. I wish Aidy would get more roles outside of SNL. Like I said she was [00:09:00] in shrill, but yeah, she could have been cast this role in this stupid show about this white lady murderer lady. That's unlike I'm not interested at all, especially because this fat suit, but either way, I'm bummed out that they couldn't find a fat actor for that show.
Merf: Yeah. And it's always disappointing to see whoever the celebrity is that does it, you know, it's okay, you know, what, what else do you have that isn't going on? That that's what you felt was necessary to do. Just never understood it.
Merf: Oh, the other thing I was going to tell you is that Lizzo's show comes out this week on the 25th of March.
Chrystal: Oh, we're dropping this episode the 26th, right?
Merf: Listen to this and then go watch that and then come back. Tell us what you think.
Chrystal: I made a kind of a list of some fat actors. I'm going to read them out loud. And this is doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, everybody listening out there in internet land. [00:10:00] If you know, Bridget Everett, Lizzo, Kathy Bates, Nicole Byer the comedian, Gabourey Sidibe, Queen Latifa, Mindy Kaling, Natasha Rothwell. If you know, Rosie O'Donnell, cameron Manheim, melissa McCarthy, I would say Chrissy Metz, but I have a feeling I'm too dirty for her, but if you all know any of those people, you have people that know people. We want to interview them. We want to interview any fat entertainer and I would be in heaven just to interview any of them.
Merf: Hear hear.
Chrystal: So that's my, that's my little doo doo doo doo doo, my Telegraph for the world and put it out there in the universe for all of you, people that are woowoo.
Merf: I was going to say, you're manifesting this via Telegraph to the world.
Chrystal: Yes. Thank you.
Merf: Oh, that's fantastic. Well, I have a hot topic.
Chrystal: Oh, yay.
Merf: So I think that we really need to have a 1 0 [00:11:00] 1 beginners discussion about BDSM and consents.
Chrystal: Consent, very important.
Merf: We get lots of questions and lots of comments about BDSM.
Merf: I think there's Misinformation. There are some preconceived notions. There are just a lot of things to consider when it comes to BDSM. But you mentioned it, we are talking about consent. Do you think we should say what BDSM.
Chrystal: Yeah, go for it.
Merf: Okay. So BDSM, you've got some words here that build out an acronym.
Merf: So you have bondage, dominance, discipline, submission, sadism, and masochism, and all of those things come together into a glorious little kink ball that we're going to slowly start to discuss an unravel.
Chrystal: Absolutely
Merf: let's talk about consent,
Chrystal: consent, enthusiastic consent, right? It's no longer consent. It's enthusiastic consent. [00:12:00] And I love that people are talking about it. I love that people are considering it. I hope they're teaching it in schools because I never got taught about consent. It's not that my parents didn't want to teach me about consent. They didn't think about it.
Chrystal: Too many things happen.
Merf: Yeah. A lot of things that they grew up with was, well, that's the expectation that you deal with it. Not that you consent to have it happened to you or to participate in it or all the other things.
Chrystal: No matter how trashy, I dress, that's not consent.
Merf: Right.
Chrystal: Even if I'm 100% naked, that's not consent.
Merf: You got it.
Chrystal: Some people struggle with that, right? If you're in bed with somebody and you're both naked that doesn't, that's not consent.
Chrystal: It involves a conversation and you have to clearly hear the person say yes, I want to do this. And they need to be sober.
Merf: Yes, they can't be under the influence. They have to be present and they really have to, like you said, want to be involved, they have to be enthusiastic about it.
Merf: It can't just be like, well, this is what's expected of me, [00:13:00] or, well, I've been on X number of dates. So that's, you know, I have to do this or whatever.
Chrystal: Oral sex or her oral sex because he bought me or she bought me.
Merf: Exactly.
Chrystal: You don't owe anything shit as it turns out.
Merf: No. And it's like you said, with communication is lubrication, right?
Merf: The more you talk about the things that you want and that you're interested in, the better the sex is going to be the better the setup is going to be for the sex.
Chrystal: Especially if you're going to try to do something in the BDSM world, if you're going to do some bondage or some impact play. Well, all kink, I think involves a lot of consent.
Chrystal: And I love that. I love anything that involves conversation
Merf: absolutely. I think that's [00:14:00] probably the most important aspect of any kink is that you're having a conversation. You're talking about the things that you enjoy or the things that you thought about, but aren't sure how to put to practice and maybe, Ooh, that's a hard, no, like you mentioned hard limit that's that's the way it is for me, but that's something that you have to explore and kink gives you that platform to do it.
Merf: It really gives you the opportunity to practice, you know, and I think about BDSM, I think of folx. Kind of like, well, I'm not good at it, or I didn't really understand it. And so they just kind of like, well, I tried it once and kind of push it over to the side and it's well, but it's new. You have to practice it.
Merf: It's just like any other skill. If you're doing rope bondage, you're doing Shibari. You have to learn how to do knots in a special way. You have to learn a whole new practice. So you're not going to jump in and be an expert at BDSM. Nobody expects that. Maybe, but you in your head, you know, but, but in general, [00:15:00] your partner isn't expecting that you're going to be a guru at shabari.
Chrystal: When I had my boutique, it came up a lot and I would tell my clients the cool thing about kinky people is they tend to be very open about body types. They're more like into what's going on between your ears.
Chrystal: Now that's a very big generalization, of course that's not true. A hundred percent of the time, but in general it is a very open community.
Merf: Absolutely. Which is so interesting to me. I was doing a little bit of research on BDSM and, you know, looking up some just general things about it. And I thought this was fascinating.
Merf: The psychology community felt that. BDSM was actually a mental illness and marked it as a mental illness in 1905. And it lasted until 2013 as listed as a mental illness [00:16:00] and crazy to hear that, you know, now, and like the amount of communication, the amount of understanding and intimacy you have to have with your partner to be successful at BDSM.
Merf: When I hear that they're considering it a mental illness, but just because. Of the kink. It's are you kidding me? These people are having the best sex of their lives because they're having this mental sexual experience as well.
Chrystal: So true. And there's a lot of imagination being used in the BDSM world. There's a lot of acceptance. There's a lot of negotiating. Yes and no, all that talking. I swear to you. I know it sounds so freaking boring, but the more you talk about your sex life with your partnerYou have to have your safe word, our safe word here on the show is pineapple. [00:17:00] Whenever we mess up and we say pineapple to Asherlee, and she helps us edit out our ums and things like that. But no seriously people have, you know, They have safe words and discussions about, you know, when is it okay to do these kinds of things? When is it not, you know, never at out with other people, or I don't know when people have all kinds of different roles. It's so great because you have to talk about everything. And I know 50 shades of gray. Oh, so problematic.
Chrystal: And I know I've talked with you about this before, but I do love the fact that that ridiculous set of books.
Chrystal: And I'm not here to book shame. I love that it brought out the kink in so many people that were so vanilla beforehand. I have tons of friends and clients that said it changed their lives, but I love the fact that they were always communicating, working on the contract, discussing negotiating. Ah, that was dreamy the rest of it... Not so much exactly. [00:18:00] It's okay.
Merf: Right. It's one step up from vanilla porn, but you know, it you're right. It had an audience and that audience then got to explore this entire taboo. I'm using air quotes taboo side of their, their sexual fantasies that really was finally mainstream, you know, I think a lot of people in the kink community were very upset that it was out there in the mainstream as well, that's not how we do this.
Merf: And it's okay, but this is going to open the door. And then somebody's going to type in how do I participate in BDSM or Google, you know, this or that. And they're going to then rabbit hole into. This whole community.
Chrystal: Absolutely. I had people telling me it changed their lives. I have one friend. She texted me when I have you heard of 50 shades of gray? I said, no, she goes, I love it. It's changing my life. It's it's about kinky sex. And I was like, [00:19:00] damn you know, elitist. I shouldn't have been like this. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Cause I know her, you know, I know her sex life and I'm like, yeah, I'm good. I'll be fine. And then two months later she said, Chrystal, have you read 50 shades of gray?
Chrystal: That's awesome. But I was like, are you Ooh. And then I read it the first book. And did she read any of that Murph? So they're not well-written right. It's ah, grammar.
Merf: It's just porn for mainstream, you know, it's
Chrystal: right.
Merf: But I love it.
Merf: I know it's so ridiculous. But the Twilight in 50 shades, like it's so stupid, but I still am like fascinated by it. [00:20:00]
Chrystal: I'm so happy that opened up so many people's minds, like the main, you know, vanilla, middle America learning about kink. Mental illness, right. And kink can mean a million things. BDSM is a little different, right?
Merf: Right. I was reading some statistics and they said a. About it's 27.9% or something like that of women. Are interested in handcuffs in the bedroom, you know, and it's just that's a simple, a simple toy that could be part of a brand new BDSM set, you know, that purchase. Usually it comes with handcuffs and a whip paddle, a paddle.
Merf: Yes. One of the two, a blindfold you know, and, and something, just a little extra kink and [00:21:00] something to try out, but I think it's, it's an exciting thing for someone to. Be able to really consider how this is going to change their life in terms of opening up other doors. Because once you try those things, then it's oh yeah, well, I kind of like this, or I liked this about that.
Merf: And then that kind of leads to another and another, and you start exploring in that community. So BDSM really is that acceptable chance to get into kink.
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Merf: Have you ever done shibari?
Chrystal: No, not Shibari. I don't, I know all about it and I've definitely seen been to classes and stuff, but I've never done it myself. What about you?
Merf: No, same here. Yeah.
Chrystal: So beautiful.
Merf: Beautiful. Yeah. I've seen lots of, lots of classes. Lots of work done, but never experienced it myself.
Chrystal: Did you see that one image go viral of that fat girl that was being, she was put in
Chrystal: suspension and she was, yeah, I need to find that it was really beautiful. She's just hanging there and all in all those beautiful, you know, knots and everything. You know what I was going to say too? Another thing about 50 shades of gray. Sometimes people are too afraid to ask their partners of things, but when it's in a book, it takes the pressure off of them as a, their ask or like they're so [00:23:00] kinky, they thought of this, but they're like, oh babe, look at this.
Chrystal: So it gives people permission. And it got people reading, other books, other erotica that was better written and had more consent. And you know, all the things I can say that for sure. When I had my store, there was a lot of people who were in the kink world, that were very elitist about 50 shades of gray.
Chrystal: And I get it. It wasn't good, but it's still, it's something that got people going. Otherwise, people just going to continue to have their old, boring, old vanilla sex. And I'm happy for people to finally try a blameful cause you know what happens when you were. Everything gets like everything's on fire, everything you touch is just oh, you know, I feel so good.
Merf: Yeah. Those heightened senses are, ah, [00:24:00] that's the whole point. It's a mindfulness activity, honestly. And that's one thing that I really like about BDSM is that you have to not only have that communication, but you also have to really hone into your partner's energy in terms of. How they're experiencing whatever is happening to them while you're playing.
Merf: And you're having those conversations while you're doing it. Do you want more of this? Do you want less of this? Do you, you know, and so that builds and when you've got someone who's never really explored that concept of going and talking to their partner about what they like. Even an extra moan while you're doing that as indication, you know, it doesn't have to actually be verbal.
Merf: It's a beautiful, it's a beautiful practice that BDSM, because you really have to, you really have to understand the concept of trying things. And being open and where you don't always, you know, with, with certain sexual practices, you don't [00:25:00] do that. You just get in there and get going and do that.
Merf: But it's not always just about the sex. Sometimes it's just about the dominance and like I'm doing this for my partner to make them feel like. They're being held, but they're safe and it's still sexual. So it's not always just about having that orgasm. It's really about being in tuned with your partner.
Chrystal: I want to go back to something about that in a second, but something else occurred to me when you're speaking a lot of times, fat people, fat women I'll speak to specifically. Sometimes we're not in our bodies. We're somewhere else because we have our fat armor on, we're waiting for somebody to tell us that we are out in public.
Chrystal: Sometimes we're just not in here. We're somewhere else trying to do the tap dance to keep people thinking that you're pretty, or, putting on our feminine performance. We're just not here. A lot of times, you're not here in our center and not centered. In our bodies, we're waiting to have a different body. Sometimes we're [00:26:00] shamed about our body. So many things get women, fat women out of their brains. When you practice something and that's kinky or BDSM, you really have to come back into your body. Take breaths be here, be present in the moment when you're doing this instead of out somewhere else, your brain is.
Chrystal: And I think a lot of people do that right? Where your brain is always somewhere else. Got to go pick up the dry cleaning, get the groceries, blah, blah, blah. When you're doing kinky stuff, you're in it.
Merf: And if you're not exactly. And if you're not, you know, okay, stop. We're putting a down, I can't get into this.
Merf: And cause you have to be in a Headspace. You have to be paying attention. You have to be attuned. You have to be mindful. Totally, really. It's in, you have to be consenting all the time.
Chrystal: Yeah. And this, sometimes I know burst some people's bubbles. These are gonna be people that their bubbles are burst because they're not a true Dom probably, but honestly, it's the dominants job in that, whatever that scene [00:27:00] is to be very nurturing of the person who they're playing with the scene they're in with, it's supposed to be their job to make sure.
Chrystal: That person has water and is comfortable and it's not too hot or not too cold has enough lubricant isn't in too much pain or too much agony or whatever it's tactically and or whatever. It's the Dom's job to make sure they nurture the person that they're playing with. So even though it's supposed to be the Dom and you're mean, and you're doing this, no, of course, you're going to nurture your partner. But that's lost on a lot of you, especially those people that are like on fat life and they're pretending they're dorms and, you know, they just use, sometimes they use fat women. Now we're on Madame. I'm going to Dom you, you know, right. Okay, dude.
Merf: Yeah. And I think part of that too, is, you know, when you were talking about fat people, not always being present in their body, I think the other thing that we have to, you know, mention is, fat people are often seen as automatically consenting.
Chrystal: Yes. That pisses me off.
Merf: Yeah. [00:28:00] There there's this misnomer that we well, we're fat, so we'll get any sex we can and we'll take whatever sex we can. And that
Chrystal: Fuck that.
Merf: Exactly.
Chrystal: As I like to say, you couldn't afford me. I'm sorry. I actually no way in hell. I would never settle for anything. And I. You know, it's one of my most popular blogs I've ever written is don't don't settle fat girls do not settle. Yeah. It's yeah. It makes me sick. It pisses me off and I'm sure women and men do this, but I know for sure when I've been to events where it's a lot of fat people, especially if I was new, you know, I'd be like the fresh meat. And I'm not sucking your Dick in the parking lot. I don't know. Who do you think I am? And Hey, if you want a second million dicks, the parking lot, go for it. That's cool with me. I would never shame anybody about that, but don't assume I'm going to be that person because I'm fat. I will more likely punch you in the taint.
Merf: Yeah. I just imagined you with a [00:29:00] superhero Cape and just like Asherlee.
Chrystal: Bam right in the taint.
Merf: We have to get a little meme made up of that. That's fantastic.
Chrystal: I guess this used to be a thing where people were. I don't know, maybe women settled for less than they do nowadays. I hope anyway. I hope most people are not settling for whoever throws them some attention. I hope everybody's on board now. We know that's not, that's not attractive that doesn't, I'm not complimented at all.
Merf: Right. Yeah, no, I, this whole concept of fat women, especially are hurtin' for a squirtin' and you know, it's no, no, this is not how this works.
Merf: So not interested in you. That's not, not even on the table as a potential option for not even, but that's nice that you think that women are just your sex objects and you get to do whatever you want with them, especially when they're fat.
Chrystal: Yeah. We're just your fat blow up doll. Oh, fuck you. I get a little heated on this topic. In fact, I'm starting to sweat because it pisses me off so bad because I've seen it so many times, you know, [00:30:00] at different events and stuff where there's a lot of fat people. And I just want to be like, Ooh, you, you get out and come here, sit down, let me talk to you.
Merf: Well, and, and those places often breed predators, right?
Merf: That's the thing they know they're going to be in a large area with lots of people. They can prey upon likely that are inebriated in some fashion. And, you know, that's sadly what often happens. So I know, I know just another important reason to think to yourself. Okay, what am I willing to participate in?
Merf: And when am I going to create those boundaries that I know that I'm going to accept this for me and nothing less.
Chrystal: Hey, better, late than never. I finally learned how to have boundaries around the age of 49 and I'm 54. Now it took a while, but now I'm like, Boundaries are sexy. Hashtag boundaries are sexy.
Chrystal: Yeah. Cause they are.
Merf: Sexy boundaries. I love it. I was going to tell you too I've heard of a [00:31:00] book. I haven't read it, but lots of friends that I have that are in the BDSM world really this book called better bondage for every body.
Merf: Yeah. By Evie Vane. So if you're, if you're into rope, bondage or bondage in general from the folks that I know that are in that kink culture really enjoyed that book. So maybe something to check out.
Chrystal: How do you spell her last name? Evie vane,
Merf: V A N E
Chrystal: okay.
Merf: Yeah.
Chrystal: The cool thing about the bay area where you and I both kind of live. I know you're a little bit further out, a lot of fat activists in our area, a lot of fat liberationists and a big kink and queer community.
Merf: Yes.
Chrystal: Which makes everything so awesome and so fun and colorful and inclusive. I'm sure we could do better, you know, with inclusivity. But it's not bad, you know, considering other places in the country or the world [00:32:00] pretty, pretty awesome here.
Chrystal: I know we get so in a bubble. Yeah. Do we have any questions in our inbox for our inbox, by the way, if you ever want to send us a question. sexy@bigsexychat.com. But did you check it? Do we have anything good in there?
Merf: I did. We got a question about fetishizing. What do I do? If I think my, the new guy I'm dating is fetishizing me for being fat.
Chrystal: Ah, that's a tough one. Have you ever, I've ever been with somebody that's really into fat people? Fat women?
Merf: My husband. Yeah.
Chrystal: But does he like, does he think other women are beautiful?
Merf: Oh yes, absolutely. Yeah.
Chrystal: I think that's the difference, at least in my mind is that like my partner, I'm his first fattie. He's always been with smaller women, but he thinks there's something beautiful about all [00:33:00] women and I mean, all ages, all everybody.
Chrystal: It's great, it's awesome. I did date a guy that only dated fat women, what do we, I have this word. I call him all the time. My boyfriend's what are you talking about? Well, that loser, this guy, it was weird first. Okay. At first I meet him. It's kind of cool. Cause he's really into fat girls. So I feel very like liberated, right? Like starfish, new lights on sober. Whoo. He's loving all of it. You know and he had like tons of fat, fat girl porn, like lockers and lockers. I keep out the vHS tapes and it was weird. I was like, whoa. But then all of a sudden I got to understanding that he really only loved me for my body, which is weird when you're fat. I was like, Hey, but then I was like, oh, Hey wait. So you don't really like me. What's in my head, you like this package and that's it. And if I lost weight, he wouldn't be into me anymore. And I was like, okay, that's fetishizing. Yeah, that's too far. That's not fun. That's [00:34:00] mm mm.
Merf: Absolutely agreed. I think that we we really have this strange.
Merf: Scenario every time we meet a CIS man, is he fetishizing me? Is he, you know, is he interested just because of my weight or because of the way my body looks. Yeah. Especially when any kind of interaction on social media, it's an automatic Ooh, you know, totally just, okay, here we go. I've been asked to be a fetish, you know, like I'll pay you to eat food and send pictures and I'll pay you to come sit on me and it never ends the things that I've been offered to do.
Merf: And I have friends that make really good money doing that. But it's just amazing to me. How many men [00:35:00] think that it's acceptable and. I'm sure. There's women out there too, but it's almost always, you know, a man reaching out. That's just it just it's queasy. It gives you the queasy...
Chrystal: It is very, yeah. I always tell my boyfriend, you know, you guys, you ruin it. You for yourselves stop. Yeah. What would you say? What, where's the line between fetish and just, how do, can you tell if you someone's fetishizing you or if they really into you, that's gotta be a weird feeling to not be sure. Cause I was sure okay. I'm like, yeah, I'm getting out of here. Fuck this, you know?
Merf: Right. Well , I think you can have a preference. I think you can, you know, have a, a body type that you really enjoy looking at. But I think once you get into. That's the only type that gets me hard, or this is the only thing gets me excited.
Merf: Or that I have to be in control of something to do with that body type. Whether it's like feeding or maintaining a weight or any, anytime you [00:36:00] get into that sort of stuff, you're talking about fetishizing.
Chrystal: Run, run the other way. Run.
Merf: Yeah. Well, it's not okay. Yeah. Unless you absolutely know the deal and you're getting paid for whatever it is, you know.
Chrystal: You're into it too. You know, that could be something too. But for me, I say our instincts know what's going on before we do sometimes. So I would definitely trust your gut. There is something to be said for that gut. It's finely honed tool that you've been honing your whole life. And if you feel like a little bit, eh, trust that and just make sure you're doing your due diligence because. There's a reason why we get those feelings when we're around certain people, you know, like me around a narcissist I'm like ahhh ahhh ahhh! Can't do, no can do! I get I get nervous, scared run. And they're always really loud. And I'm just like, get me out of here. Get me out of here. Danger, danger.
Merf: Right? All the warning bells go [00:37:00] off.
Chrystal: I'm grateful that I have that, that one's tuned for a lot of reasons. I won't go into here, but yeah. Red flag red flag. I see them. I know. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I think probably, you know, we should all trust our instincts a little bit more.
Merf: Absolutely.
Chrystal: Well, trust your wisdom, your own wisdom.
Merf: Yeah. Well and where the we're the expert on ourselves.
Merf: Right. You know, we talked about that in therapy. I've just, you know, you better than anyone else. So if, if you're not paying attention to you and your warning signs that you're getting. Then you're, you know, you're sending yourself to, up to be some, some sort of situation, whether it be you're disappointed or angry or upset or whatever it is you gotta trust how you're feeling and listen to your body.
Chrystal: If your hair at the hair stands up on the back of your neck or on your arms. It's a good sign, run danger.
Merf: When I worked in forensics, that was the number one thing I'd pay attention to because I was already in heightened situations, going into the state hospitals and working with the criminally insane.
Merf: And you'd [00:38:00] have times where. You turn a corner and you'd see somebody and it would be like, Ooh, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I need to get out of here. You know, that kind of thing. It, you, you do need to trust it.
Chrystal: I agree. Yeah. I hope she figures it out. I hope she can figure out what's going on there and you know, there's probably some questions you can ask. Have you ever dated a thin person? Do you only date fat girls or men?
Merf: If I lost like 20 pounds? What would you think of that?
Chrystal: Yeah. That's a good one. Yeah. This person on one of my, on my curvy girl page on Facebook, say when somebody tells you you got a fat ass, take it as a compliment.
Chrystal: Oh, yeah, I do. Yeah. So yeah, like that's, that's my partner, right? He's more yeah, I love that fat ass, but he also likes thin asses. So I feel like that's more normal and you know, that makes me happy actually, that he kind of is turned on by pretty much all women. Yeah. But also me, you know, but not because I'm fat and not, not if I wasn't fat, so that's more. [00:39:00] I don't want it. Normal's not the right word, but more healthy. Maybe more I'll be healthier.
Merf: Yeah. Yeah. It's healthy because you're looking at the person you're not just standardizing too. It has to be this one thing.
Chrystal: Right? Yeah. So if I was going to fetishize a man, what I love hands on a man. I like the way their hands look or their forms. I was like, ooh, I love that.
Merf: I'm a bicep girl
Chrystal: like faces a lot too.
Merf: Yeah. And that little line that's like right at their sweat, it's the swimmer line or whatever they call it. Oh yeah.
Chrystal: Oh, when man, I tell my boyfriend this all the time when men are doing something and they reach for something in their shirt lifts up and you could see like the underside of their little Potbelly or their, their belly on you. Cause I'm like, oh, I love that part. If you're out to dinner somewhere, you see like a waiter doing something like that. I'm like so bad. I'm like, Ooh, look at that because you're not really supposed to see that either. Right. So it's [00:40:00] okay, I saw.
Merf: It's forbidden.
Chrystal: So cute though. The sweet, like that guy, I yelled at this guy at Safeway about a month ago because he didn't have his mask on. He called me fat bitch. He'd probably tell me I probably have a diabetes and it was just lovely experience, but fuck him. But, anyway, he kept commenting on my body. And I was like, yeah, I know I'm fat, I also wear a size nine shoe and I have blue eyes and brown hair. And he kept at it. He kept at it and I ran into an egg department.
Chrystal: Then I ran into the produce department. He kept at, it, told me I had diabetes. And I was like, sir, I don't really like to comment on other people's bodies. I kind of make it a rule. But I have noticed you have a little bit of a pot, belly and love handles. Now.
Chrystal: I love, love handles, but you have some, so maybe stop talking about my fat body and he, he's also very muscular. And then know, I could tell he was like, oh, shocked. But I was shocked. I said it, I even dropped the F bomb, which I didn't mean to cause this kid was there, but I was like, fuck you. Fuck it. I'm fucking love handles in a pot belly.
Chrystal: Okay. Maybe it'd be [00:41:00] like the model or something. If you're gonna pop off, I've got my body. Okay. Maybe you don't have a pot, belly and love handles. I mean, I don't even care that he has them, but I was like just going to lash out at him yet. Right. And I was like, you have love handles and Potbelly, but I love, love handles, but you have them.
Merf: Right. And I don't like him on you.
Chrystal: Not you, not your, sir.
Merf: But that's just cause your attitude, sir.
Chrystal: And then I asked him, well, how come you're not wearing a Maga hat? And he said it's at home. I go, I figured, oh, I know. Yeah. He and his son were smarter than everybody else in the grocery store. There's 150 people there and he's, he's smarter than all of us, but I digress.
Merf: poor kid. I know not a fighting chance in the world.
Chrystal: I know, I think the manager from the Safeway came to check. Are you okay? I, yes, I'm fine.
Chrystal: In fact, I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now, except they're putting his body down because that's not okay ever, but I just, I lashed out and I was just not, not proud, but.
Chrystal: It is what it is.
Merf: I understand. You've learned, you've got the insight that you don't like [00:42:00] doing it. It happened. You've gained some insight. You're moving forward.
Chrystal: Moving on. Yes.
Chrystal: Any other questions today, or should we talk about our favorite sex toy of the week?
Merf: Oh, I think we should talk about the vibe of the week. It's a simple vibe. It's a, it's a doggy style vibe.
Chrystal: Yessssssss.
Merf: I'd love to be able to drop some Snoop dog in there. So, right. So, those who are watching will see that. This, let me get over here is the doggy style strap. Yeah.
Chrystal: And don't forget Merf, that particular doggy style strap is made specifically for fat bodies.
Merf: Specifically. It is seven inches longer and it is one and a half inches wider than the standard version of the toy. So, it's made by sport sheets, it's called [00:43:00] the doggy style strap and sports sheets makes a doggy style strap, but this is the plus size version of it. It is a cushioned, valour covered foam pad with What would you call this material? Is this like Ray on the straps?
Merf: I would
Merf: say neoprene.
Merf: Neoprene? Yes. Okay. So it's, it's the standard. Yeah, the, the standard BDSM kind of straps or restraints, but it's an actual strap. So what happens is you have this. Positioned around your what'd you call that a fupa?
Merf: Gut? your underbelly, your apron. I think it has a lot of words. But basically you place the pad up against that area. It goes around your belly and up the straps come up around your butt. And so your partner loops their [00:44:00] hands through the hand, straps their wrists, go through it, and then they can hold onto it and control the pressure of the actual strap. And so once you do that, you're then able to have sex in the doggy style position, but without having to grip onto your partner on their love handles or their lower back, and every time, every time we ever have this discussion, because we've had this discussion many times online, in-person.
Merf: There's always somebody who's well, I like holding on to love, hand love handles. Sure, sure. And sometimes that feels great and everything else, we get it. We're not saying you're ending any ability to touch your partners side. Not saying that.
Chrystal: You can still do that.
Merf: We're saying you're going to use this in a way to help aid your partner in stabilizing in the doggy style position, and really getting some enjoyment from the pressure that this cushion is going to push up [00:45:00] on your insides and press everything a little bit closer so that the penetrations a little bit deeper.
Merf: And then that person is sturdy being held in the doggy-style position.
Chrystal: It definitely kind of, compacts makes everything a little more compact, like including the vaginal canal and everything.
Merf: Absolutely.
Chrystal: And some people can put two hands to one hand through both loops and keeps one hand free. It depends on how big you are. It wouldn't work with me. Cause my, that part of my body is really big. Yeah. But for some people that can put the one hand through both loops and then just use it and then touch the love handles
Merf: that's awesome.
Merf: Yeah, I I'm too big for that. I have to have those through, but there are, they are adjustable straps, so it does give you some extra length and some extra space.
Merf: So, you know, you do have a lot of. You get a lot from this tiny piece of fabric and the neoprene strips that go with it. Good quality.
Chrystal: She was very good. I think I already raved about sports sheets on one of our [00:46:00] episodes. Maybe
Chrystal: episode two.
Merf: Yes. The sling.
Chrystal: No matter where you find it, it's sports sheets, just buy it. It's going to be great. It's going to last forever. It holds up in the wash. It's awesome.
Merf: Fantastic. One of the most fantastic brands I've ever purchased, every everything that I get from them, I'm happy with.
Chrystal: And they're one of the first companies to ever make something specifically for us.
Merf: And they feature plus size bodies on the packaging.
Chrystal: Yes. And it's made in Southern California. If that's important to people. So two things that people used to tell me that they loved about it. One is that sometimes like me, my lower tummy slaps against my thigh. It makes that sound. And another woman told me she sometimes gets air trapped in those little folds and it comes out sounding like a fart.
Chrystal: I don't have the fart sound anymore. I'm all that's bonus. So she was so thrilled. I'm like, okay, I'm glad I'm happy [00:47:00] for you. I said, just put some lube in there in the future though. You won't get the fart. Sounds
Merf: Right. Going to say the the packaging, you know, it's always been, it's a it's for your belly and doggy style, but I was looking at a video on sports sheet's website and People also use it as a sling.
Merf: So putting the pad behind their neck and then putting their feet through the actual straps I mean, sports sheets sell a sling, so you don't have to do that. But if you were limber enough, you could use it in multiple ways. I'm not limber enough to be able to make that happen because the straps aren't that long.
Chrystal: They're not that long.
Chrystal: I could probably be that limber if my gut wasn't right there and I could just get to my, but yeah. It's whoa, your feet are really by your ears. I can't do that anymore.
Chrystal: Yeah, no, I love them.
Merf: This it's a very affordable toy. It's 23 bucks, something like that.
Chrystal: Something like that. I do I [00:48:00] sell it on bliss connection. And the discount code is BSC 20 for 20% off.
Chrystal: I think mine's like 29. Yeah, but I have that code for 20% off. I do. I have seen
Chrystal: it on Amazon. I don't love people buying sex toys on Amazon because they have a lot of knockoffs, but there's a million stores that sell all the sports sheets stuff.
Chrystal: And they're like I said, no matter where you buy, it's going to be great quality.
Merf: But I mean, you're getting 20% off. If you are coupon code, you should be doing that. But it's, you know, it's an affordable toy. It's something that's very simple. And does it, you don't have to plug it in. You don't have to do anything special, but it's just one of those sex aids that it creates just enough pressure.
Merf: It creates just enough balance that it enhances. The sexual activity to the point where it's this is something that I want to use on a regular basis.
Chrystal: I've had people tell me because they have a lower, lower back issues. It helps them with that too.
Chrystal: I don't have back issues, so I can't speak to it myself, but they've [00:49:00] told me, oh, it helps me a lot.
Merf: I do. I have lower back issues so much easier. I mean, I love. Don't get me wrong. Love the partner, holding on hips and grabbing, but I can only sustain that for so long. So I would much rather use that toy through the majority of the play and then have him hold onto my hips. So that then it wasn't like all that pressure on my lower back. Because it does, this completely frees up any sort of pressure that would be on your lower back.
Chrystal: It's amazing. I love it. I've always loved it. And. Going back to my list of people. I would love to interview that we would love to interview April Flores is the model and she's beautiful and hot. And I would love for us to interview her.
www.BlissConnection.com is my website and the code for 20% off is BSC20.
Merf: Yes.
Chrystal: She's great.
Merf: She'd fit in perfectly with our hair, your purple she's bright like reddish pink.
Chrystal: She has like the mermaid hair, right?
Merf: Yeah.
Chrystal: She looks great on their cover art that's for sure. I'm just like, wow.
Merf: April, Get in contact with us.
Chrystal: Come on April. Want you on our show, [00:50:00] please. I love it. Hopefully everyone got to listen to our episode from last week, got to listen to us. Interview substantia Jones of the adipositvity project. That was so much fun having her.
Merf: That was so much fun and she was so transparent and authentic and just Substantia. I just loved it.
Chrystal: I know me too.
Merf: Well. I know that there's no way that we covered everything that goes into BDSM and kink.
Chrystal: Oh gosh, no, not even close.
Merf: But also I'm wondering, can we get somebody who's in the lifestyle as a guest?
Chrystal: I have a friend who's a professional Dom and she is absolutely ready to come on the show whenever you want her. So she mostly works with men. Occasionally she gets a couple, but yeah, she's here in San Jose. She's local and she's trained in the art of bond massage, which is a local brand of sort of like kinky BDSM play. And she said she love to be on our show sometimes. So we'll have to make that happen.
Merf: That sounds wonderful.
Chrystal: Yeah, she's great. [00:51:00] I love it. I love we're going to have lunch on Wednesday. I'd love to hear her stories. They're so amazing.
Merf: Well tell her we want her on the pod.
Chrystal: Yes for sure. Okay. Let's do we'll schedule that soon.
Merf: Well, you guys know where you can find us at www.Bigsexychat.com. You can find us on all the social medias at big sexy chat on Twitter at big sexy chat pod. Please like subscribe, review, get our name out there. Use the coupon code. Get us some money coming in.
Chrystal: Yes. Oh yeah. We have a way now people can give us a tip. If they want to.
Merf: Tell us how they do that! Is it on our website?
Chrystal: On our website.
Merf: Yeah, that sounds really cool.
Chrystal: So we can, yeah, cause there's definitely expenses going on, you know, and we'd love a little help if you have it to give, if you don't that's okay. We just love your support and give us five stars on apple. That would be awesome. Sharing. Write a review.
Chrystal: Oh,
Chrystal: Join our Facebook page. Like our Facebook page, all [00:52:00] that fun stuff. There's a million things.
Merf: You know, you hear this on every other podcast and YouTube channel that you listened to, like subscribe, review, share, follow everything.
Chrystal: All of it. So anything else Merf, is that pretty much it? Is that everything? That's it. All right, then I'm just going to see you later alligator.
Merf: After a while. Crocodile.
Chrystal: Bye
Merf: bye.
